Shut. Up.

The BBQ Pit
1

You, there, in the row behind me - we’re in the theater. I don’t think you’re on the phone, but I kind of hope you are; how strange is that? If you’re talking like that to the person next to you, I sincerely hope that he/she/it stabs you fiercely in the face with a ballpoint pen sometime in the next ten seconds. You see, not everyone is as fundamentally idiotic as you are. Some of us can actually see what’s going on around us! Also, we can read. That means, therefore, that you need not read the entirety of the program to us (with “humorous” commentary), nor need you describe every action taking place in your line of sight (again, with “humorous” commentary). If you really do feel the need to call the attention of your companion to a certain (very small) number of things in either the program or the surroundings, it is not necessary to give them either a full-text reading of all context, or a blow-by-blow description of what just happened on the happy little video screen that they are sitting in front of… you know, the one that you’re both facing? They also have a copy of the same program from which you are reading, which contains the Same Words, You Dipshit Please For The LOVE OF FUCKING GOD SHUT UP AND QUIT READING THE GODDAMN PROGRAM OUT LOUD BEFORE I STAB YOU MYSELF!

In the same vein: I don’t need you to read that to me, my dear husband. I am capable of reading. You handed me the printout (or sent me the link), and now you’re reading the page to me, sometimes hovering over my shoulder in order to read aloud the PAGE I AM ALREADY READING QUIT IT!

In a similar vein: yes, I got your email. Yes, I read your email. Yes, I understood your email. This series of affirmations should indicate to you that I have gotten all the possible good there is to be had from the words in your email, and I am now done with it. This should NOT indicate to you that I would like you to reach over me, take my mouse, pull up your email on my screen, and read it to me. I have already read it. I know what it says. I heard your goddamned nasal voice in my head when I read it the first time, and now I am having a burning desire to forcibly insert that mouse you hijacked into your nostril just to see if it improves your diction. Yes, I know it’s strange to start reading along with you (aloud) when you do that - that’s because YOU ARE A CRETIN AND NEED TO BE MOCKED. If you didn’t occasionally pay my wage, I would smite you where you stand with righteous fury. As it is, I will polish my fantasy about said smiting until it shines like the sun, and then I will light the dark cavern of my soul with it.

In short: All of you, shut the hell up. Stop talking. You are not qualified to continue littering my line of hearing with your worthless drivel, and I will be forced to take measures to remove your ability to do so if you continue. Yea, there will be a weeping and a gnashing of teeth, and the streets shall run red with the blood of ye who will not SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!

2

Oh man, can I put that last paragraph on a tee shirt?

Another peeve…Powerpoint Rangers who will read their fucking slides to me in a presentation. Stop it. Now. I can read. I passed the 4th grade with flying colors. Gahhhh.

3

I have a friend who cannot stand silence. What’s worse is that his conversation is mostly about him. Stories I’ve heard a hundred times, many of them about how clever he is about finding bargains, how he works “the system” to his advantage whenever possible, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

And Ruby, the Powerpoint thing used to drive me nuts when I was working too. What was worse was when they passed out printed copies of their presentation beforehand, so that besides having it on a screen in the front of the room it was on the table in front of me.

4

I’m afraid reading the Powerpoint won’t go away. When I took my son back to school, we met with his counselor. She was in the midst of reading student reviews of one of her classes, and she was a bit nonplussed at some of them. The kids were saying this or that wasn’t covered, to which her reply was a “Go to page 17 of the handout” through gritted teeth.

I’m afraid you can’t trust some people to get all the salient points just because you give them the information. Which is not to say the OP does not have valid rants, especially the twit who invades the workspace to pull up an e-mail to read it to her.

5

Go to any theatre forum and you will probably find a thread on this type of behavior. It is totally & utterly inexcusable. You cell phoners and you fireflies (texters) should either stay out of live theatres or learn to live for 2 1/2 hours without your fucking machines. It is rude to the audience and to those people on the stage that keep interrupting you.

I usually say very loudly “I did not spend $100 on a ticket to hear you talk.”

There have been cases of actors on stage stopping the show and telling cell phone users to shut the fuck up.

6

A few years back I went to see “Putting It Together” on Broadway. Bronson Pinchot came out to do the prologue, and specifically reminded the audience about cell phone courtesy (you could hear phones clicking off all over the theatre) and in the middle of his speech, a cell phone rang. The audience grew silent and began looking around to see which jackoff’s phone it was. Then Bronson got all embarrassed and took his phone out of his pocket and began talking on the phone. It was scripted and hilarious, but it brought the point home, at least to that audience.

7

I love this. May I use this as a signature line and credit you?

8

http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp03272002.shtml

9

Please, feel free! (Or, at the least, extremely cheap.)
Believe it or not, I’m actually fairly sure that the halfwit behind me wasn’t on the phone - I just sort of wish he had been. I’m fairly sure he came in with a woman who was not, in fact, drooling on herself or exhibiting any signs of being unaware of her surroundings. All that leads me to believe that he was just reading the program to her, because he felt it was necessary. Why he felt it was necessary remains unclear, and I’m sure will be a point of contention right up until the moment where his companion shoves some printed work right up his nostril and into his frontal lobe. At that point, I dearly hope, it will no longer be a point of contention, as he will no longer be able to contend with any facility on any subject whatsoever.

10

Wow, were you at my last exit interview?

11

Sorry, I thought this was a thread about Fox football commentater Moose Johnston. My bad. Carry on.

12

I know an actor who was in a production of Shear Madness when this happened.

For those not familiar with the show it is an audience participation murder mystery. The audience interrogates the cast and votes on who the murder is. One night during the interrogation scene the two characters that play the policemen were in the audience mediating the questions when a cell phone went off. One of the actors grabbed the phone, said the person who owns this phone is involved in a murder investigation and hung up. He then said that the phone had to be kept for evidence and it will be returned when the investigation was complete. There was a standing ovation.

13

Thanks. On reflection, though, using that as a sig does imply either that you addressed it to me originally (which you didn’t), or that I wish to mock all who read my postings (which I don’t). So I must demur.

14

This is so beautiful, I am compelled to immortalize it in cross stitch.
Thank you
<weeps>

15

On a somewhat related note, we went to a showing of “Blade Runner: The Fifteenth Director’s Cut”* last weekend at a local theatre, and the crowd in there…it almost makes me weep, thinking about it. Not a peep out of anyone, the entire freakin’ time. No cellphones, no fireflies (good one!), no chit-chat. Just people who really wanted to see a movie on a large screen, in a theatre, watching a good movie with the attention it deserved.

*I don’t know what version it was, and don’t care - my husband wanted to see it, and he went on a drive with me that I wanted to do the day before, so we went.

16

Listen to what happens when a comic does just this to a telemarketer. Warning : Audio clip starts automatically. May not be work safe.

http://rivalshoops.rivals.com/viewprospect.asp?pr_key=54713&Sport=2

17

Welcome to New York

18

I had the same, no-cellphone/no talking experience at a showing of “Blade Runner” a couple of weeks ago. It was wonderful. Why do you think that fans of that movie are more respectful than others?

19

'cause they were reliving the era when Blade Runner first came out, when one could go to the cinema without everyone in the audience having some godforsaken object in their pocket that didn’t ring, beep, glow, vibrate or download excel files. If you didn’t feel like watching the movie you had to leave! Or make out with your date!

curmudgeon/

20

I am with the OP regarding cell phone usage, but I would like to add that if you don’t want people to use cell phones, don’t make up lies to keep people off them. At the CVS (pharmacy) that I visited yesterday, at the pharmacy window was a sign, that I paraphrase: HIPAA does not allow the use of cell phones at the counter. Please turn your cell phones off so we may serve you.

I understand patient privacy, hell, I had to deal with it in my previous position. I do not recall any HIPAA rule that says cell phones must me turned off. The sign should say: It is fucking rude and inconvenient to have to wait for you to finish your cell phone conversation before we can serve you. End your fucking call or we will call the next number for service.

SSG Schwartz