For me, time is less intimidating than chores. I’ll sit there and dread cleaning the kitchen, but if I tell myself “just work 15 minutes and then stop”, it doesn’t seem at all intimidating, and you can get a kitchen clean in 15 minutes if you hustle. When I look at the chore, it always seems enormous.
I dunno; I hate to play the, “He’s a guy; maybe he doesn’t know there are different ways to approach housework” card, but maybe he really doesn’t. Maybe that could be the discussion.
How about we remove gender from the equation? “He hasn’t done a lot of housework in the past; maybe he doesn’t know there are different ways to approach housework.”
Years ago my third son died soon after his birth and I took several months off work. My wife went back to work and I was the stay at home dad. I became my mother when I was young. I dropped the kids off at school, did all the shopping, did all the housework, prepared all the meals 7 days a week, including lunches.
And why not? I could do the washing and clean the whole house by 11 AM. I did my food shopping on the way to pick up my son in the afternoon. I felt good about doing all the home duties while my wife was working, but it was far from an all day job.
Who pays the internet bill? Why?
Gender roles are in an incredibly awkward growing pains stage right now, I believe. This thread really shows that. The OP works in excess of a full time job, yet somehow is hanging on to the idea that the household is “woman’s work” and her problem. The boyfriend is not working and still clinging to the notion that this means that he does not have worthwhile labor to perform. My take, anyhow.
For my part, an overwhelming message that I picked up growing up is that the traditional way of being a man was somehow wrong or bad (thank you second wave feminism and the encounter session 70s). Yet I found, as I emerged into manhood, that there was a deep part of me that wanted to protect/provide that was unsatisfied and neglected.
When I turned a corner was when I came to the conclusion that all of these domestic tasks are, in fact, men’s work. So now I work about 45-50 hours a week but I also do the lion’s share of the cooking and cleaning (to say nothing of the more traditionally male around the house stuff).
This is because I have figured out that providing is so much more than bringing home a check. It is also making sure that the household is secure, comfortable and welcoming. So, I paint the walls, rip out the carpet to get at the sweet hardwood floors underneath (and refinish them), and I do laundry and cook meals and make sure that the spider’s are killed and that there are no monsters under the beds.
So I don’t know if there is any way that the OP can talk to her boyfriend and frame the discussion in those terms somehow, but my experience has been that doing this work for my household is deeply satisfying on a very male level for me. There is nothing quite like the feeling of quiet pride and satisfaction that I get when we all sit down to a meal that I have prepared in a room that I have renovated and then cleaned. YMMV, naturally.
Repeating points that others have made.
Don’t assume that the two of you have the same standards. It may not be the case that he expects you to do these things around the house. He may not feel there’s a need for these things to be done at all. His point of view is something like “I’ve spent a couple of hours taking care of everything that needed to get done a round the house. Now that I’m finished I’ve got some free time so I’ll get back online.” He may not see that general clutter as a problem.
But it is a problem. Not because your standards are right and his are wrong. But the two of you are a family so you have to come to an agreement on what the standards are. It’s the same issue as the weekend recreation - spending time out of the house isn’t better or worse than spending time at home. But the two of you need to discuss these differences of opinion and reach an agreement.
Because nothing says “I love and respect you and believe we can work out our differences like adults” like “I can cut you off from the thing you enjoy because I pay and you don’t, so you’d best do what I say, when I say.”
Little Nemo has this entirely right. Assuming he is doing some work the issue is that his priorities and the OP’s priorities are different. She sees certain tasks as critical that he sees as either optional or entirely pointless. There’s no blame on either side here, but the solution is talking like grown-ups, not blackmail based on financial superiority.
Sure, there’s that too.
You two have different standards for cleanliness, why is your’s right and his wrong? Because you’re the mommy? Being a spouse does not mean having a maid.
I assume since he enjoys being informed about the issues of the day because he reads the news on the internet. What if he tried to force you to spend hours on the internet reading about current events that did not interest you because he wanted to talk with you about them and he wanted you to have an informed opinion?
Part of loving someone is accepting that they are different than you. This may be one of the few times in his life where he has this much free time. Try to work this out with him like an adult instead of pouting like a princess whose wishes aren’t being carried out.
Sorry, but this is the typical lazy husband apologist (LHA) response. “He doesn’t see dirt,” “we have different standards,” “he doesn’t know how.” All bullshit. The OP is working 50+ hours a week and this guy isn’t doing anything but “reading international news” (aka jerking off) for 6 hours a day. Now is the time for the OP to bring this up (she should have already so it’s her own fault for letting it go this long) and get him to pick up the slack because it sure isn’t going to improve when (if) he starts back at school.
Now maybe you should quit screwing around on the internet and clean up that disaster of a room like I told you to. No, pushing all your toys under the bed does not count as clean.
Short answer since question was “right now”, ALL of it. For crying out loud, tesseract, you said yourself if the situation were reversed the child would not even be in daycare! He needs to pull his weight.
Another vote for flylady.net. Introduce him and then walk away. He’s either going to do it or he’s not, and no amount of nagging will change that.
Observe the character of this person, and make decisions about what you are/are not willing to tolerate. Communicate those decisions gently but firmly. Once. the only exception is if you do think he’s depressed, in which case take him to the doctor and make the first two couseling appointments for him. After that, go back to observing and continue from there.
(Note: this is why I’m single.)
IMHO: A stay-at-home parent means that the children don’t need day care, and the stay-at-home parent does the cooking and cleaning. Regardless of gender. Being a stay-at-home parent is a fulltime job. And that is what the job entails.
I’m sure one could come up with circumstances where this is wrong, but in general it should apply.
Ok, this is going to sound counter-intuitive, but it is a valid point:
You only have one side of the equation that you’re trying to solve…his…but what are you doing to solve your side of the equation…reducing your work load?
You sound like a driven person (type A) and he is more laid back (type B). If you try to come to sort of some compromise, then you guys need to shoot between a A- and B+. Yes, he needs to pick up the slack; I’m not arguing that point, but you also need to make changes for yourself to give yourself more “home time”. Do not expect to make your husband a type A like yourself. That would create an environment ripe for resentment where it will be that your schedule dictates his schedule, where he has no say in the matter. That will definitely put a major strain on the relationship. Overtime will not pay those type of bills that you will be racking up emotionally.
Approach him with a deal that you will reduce your hours if he increases his…you sound like you would want to be home more often anyways.
And yes, my wife and I went through the same issues you have. Things are better because of this approach.
ETA: And now I see that you are trying fix your overtime issues. Good! My bad for missing on the crucial piece of info. Good Luck.
Are you as disgusting as this quote implies?
Are you as hair-trigger offended as your quote implies?
Oh, so sorry I don’t like coming across domestic violence jokes in ordinary IMHO threads about housework. I don’t know how I get through life being so sensitive. :rolleyes:
Somewhere in the universe, there is a tiny, tiny, tiny piece of matter being cancelled out by a tiny, tiny, tiny piece of anti-matter. All is well.
Out of curiosity, where do you like coming across domestic violence jokes?