OK, guys, want an update? First, I read him most of this thread. I skipped over/censored some of it, as I wanted to convey the basic gist and did not want to beat any dead horses. (Also, I skipped things like “He doesn’t sound like a great father. He sounds like an adequate father.” I have to admit that reading my posts, he does sound like just an adequate father, but I maintain he is actually a great father – not all of him can be distilled into this one thread – and in any case, I want him to aspire to be a great father and I didn’t think reading him that would help…anyway, I digress). Directly after hearing most of the thread, he did not jump up and say, “Wow, tesseract! You and the Dope are right. I am wrong. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind.” In fact, we had a somewhat distressing conversation in which he still tried to maintain that he should not have to do something we were talking about – I can’t remember what it was – and he was still making strange half-assed arguments, and I got rather mad. I said something like, “OK, [approximate number of supportive posts] essentially agree with me and you still maintain [whatever ridiculous thing he was saying]”? However, I think his last words were just sort of the death throes of his (unsupportable) position. Soon after that, he started doing more. The house was definitely cleaner when I got home, and he started cooking more! He also was more understanding of my tiredness when I get home. I am hoping it lasts, but it is a start.
Then we went for Christmas to visit his oldest brother and sister-in-law and their kids. We had a discussion with all four of us about various issues (cultural issues actually - different story) and his brother is much worse than he is as far as listening to reason. I guess this damns him with faint praise, especially if you knew his brother, but it certainly made me very glad to be married to my husband, when I saw him compared with someone who really is truly selfish and not willing to be self-aware. At least my husband agreed I should post our situation on the Dope and he would listen to your replies. Also, his brother’s wife listened to some of our story and offered the following suggestion as far as the weekend goes: every Saturday we spend four hours doing something together as a family, and we alternate choosing what it is. This sounds great to me, and we are doing it so far. I’m ecstatic - four hours on a Saturday is plenty (we spend Sunday together). He is happy with this solution as well. I think it takes the pressure off him – his responsibility for the weekend is known and finite.
I am more concerned that the house/cooking/cleaning issue might be trickier to solve, but it looks like headway is being made. Thanks for your help. And he also said he would be willing to try FlyLady! I have also been working a little bit less, as the steps I took to solve that are starting to take effect. We have also agreed to try to watch our tone and what we say to each other and try to make sure we cherish each other. We still don’t know if he’s accepted to school this semester. If he is in school, I will be much more willing to do more around the house. We shall see. But that’s the update so far.