Signs that you are settling down

  1. you own a piano (not electric)
  2. you have an artificial Christmas tree
  3. You have a 3 car garage and 3 or 4 cars in the family
  4. …?
  1. You have good china. As well as every day.

You are deeply in debt (sigh.)


You own a home.

Your ears prick up at every Rogaine commercial.

No, that’s just middle age. You’re confusing the theme here.

You are interested in the condition of your lawn.

You get excited over toilet paper sales at Kmart and Target.

Five years after moveing to a new town you still don’t know the frequency of a Top 40 station.

You see a really attractive young girl and think to yourself, “Man, I’d love to get her… to babysit!”

Yer pal,

The excitement of obtaining a Swiffer. It’s a nifty product.

ROTFL! Satan, you’re an evil genius.

  1. Trying to figure out how to purchase an engagement ring.
  2. Finally working on landscaping the back yard.

A big night out is eating ramen noodle soup in your underwear yelling at the TV screen.

You know the Dopers on SDMB better than your own neighbors.

The kids music IS louder AND more annoying.

The oldies station plays the music from your teenage years.

You know how to operate a rotary dial phone, but your kids haven’t a clue.

When you get really excited because your favorite TV show is coming on…and it’s Sesame Street.

A big night out for you and your spouse is Old Country Buffet, without the kids.

Your favorite group is coming in concert, but you can’t make it to the show because you have to work…and you’re not really all that bummed.

You actually UNPACK the good china and crystal…

You surf in the morning, have sex with your wife on a regular basis, never meet any dopers face to face, and change board names to show you’ve developed and matured. Surfing not required if you are in Iowa.

You discover that you can’t fit everything you own into your car.


You know the names of the Teletubbies by heart.

Tinky-winky, Po, Laalaa, & Dipsy. Head antenna: purple triangle, yellow circle, red twist, green rod respectively. And I know this before my child is even born!

You own a plunger, you know…for the toilet.
You have boxes of ‘stuff’.
You have ‘good’ towels.
You decorate for holidays.
God, kill me now.

“Let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair…”
Tom Waits

You HAVE a car. And it actually starts every damn morning, too…


“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)