Really! And while we’re at it, why not compare penis sizes too? It’s all in good fun.
From your first post I’d have said,
“I think she has a very expressive style that is quite compelling to read.”
Again,
“I think I did ok and it was fun.”
This lets you show a bit of pride in your performance without putting down the other people there. You don’t need to make things about how well you do them versus how well other people do them. If this isn’t something you can control I’m sorry, but you’re going to come across as arrogant.
Like I said, tone and context matter, but yeah. I could totally see a conversation where an objective observation said in a respectful tone, not bragging or haughty, would sound fine. Acknowledging one’s strengths compared to someone else, in the right context, doesn’t have to imply that somehow you’re a better person for it. That, to me, is where the arrogant part comes in. If somehow you imply, with words, tone or the context, that the observation is also a value comment then you sound arrogant.
Because it come across as you dancing around waggling your ass and chanting “I am so great, they are the suck!”
A) “How was open mic night?” is not a request for a ranking of the performances, but rather a polite question about whether you enjoyed yourself. Volunteering a ranking and putting yourself at the top of it is just looking for chances to brag. Nobody likes a show-off. Strike one.
B) “Mildly entertaining” is, at best, damning with faint praise. The implication is that the other people playing weren’t sufficiently skilled for you to find them enjoyable, which is essentially talking shit about people for absolutely no reason. Nobody likes a smack-talker. Strike two.
C) You’ve ranked yourself as not just better than the other folks playing, but obviously better than them. Nobody likes the conceited guy. Strike three. For most folks, you’re out.
Now, if you’d said, “It was all right. Most of the folks there didn’t try anything as complicated as I did, but they did a decent job with what they took on,” you’d get a different reaction.
Unless its a job interview or something where somebody needs to make a choice between you and somebody else to do something, what is the POINT of comparing your abilities to somebody elses? Do you really think the person you are talking to cares?
I guess my imagination is weak because I can’t see how me saying I’m more intelligent without any qualifiers thrown in could not be seen as arrogant.
If it was about something less blurry, like the ability to stare at blank walls for hours or something, then I would feel differently. But something as hard to define and as complex as intelligence? I would think it would just be poor taste to say you’re smarter without trying to smooth it over with something.
I guess I wouldn’t want to say to something about another person behind their back that I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying to their face (not saying I never do…just that I usually feel guilty when I do). So if I’m asked to compare my ability against a person and that person is standing right there, I wouldn’t want to say anything that would make either of us feel uncomfortable. If the OP says what he says only when the person he’s rating himself against is not there, then deep down he knows he’s being boastful. But if he’s brave enough to say, “Yeah, I’m better than you are!”, then he can properly claim innocence.
It doesn’t have to be like reading off a resume. It can be natural part of a normal conversation.
“My hubby and I played tennis last weekend- I’ve really been practicing and I think I’m actually getting better than him!”
“Sis and I took a cooking class- her pies were much better than mine, but I was definitely better at cake decorating. It was fun!”
“We went to France last summer. My friend was glad I came because my French is better than hers.”
Once in a great while? fine.
Every convervsation with those type of comparisions? Arrogant ass IMO.
I think being asked to directly compare yourself to someone right in front of you- to be put in the spot like that- is a fairly rare occurrence. I don’t think it would come up very often, but comparing yourself to someone else doesn’t have to inherently arrogant. I think there are ways of saying things that can be respectful, humorous or simply objective. If someone asked me (I don’t know why they would…) if I was better at science than my sister I could answer very comfortably “Yes, I definitely have more of a talent for science, and my sister’s strengths lie in the arts.” I’m not sure why that would be boastful.
Agreed.
True.
And if you’re a self-confessed “skill-obsessed asshole” people are going to get in the habit of looking at everything you say through the lens of you being, well, an asshole. So they’re going to go with the most assholish interpretation.
It might be the case that 99% of the human population tolerates or even prefers this sort of false humility, but I can’t stand it. If you’ve spent your whole life pouring everything you’ve got into something, and you’re at a point in your career where your abilities inspire others to improve, you should be allowed to give an honest assessment of what you can do. Full fucking stop. Anything different, and you’re just insulting the intelligence people who look up to you.
“Holy shit, you’re John Petrucci! You have no idea how important your music is to me! Your playing is so unbelievable that you constantly inspire me to be the best possible version of myself.”
“Eh, I’m not that good.”
“Um… but… you’re my hero…”
“Thanks, but I need to maintain my image by not ever acknowledging my abilities. Have a good day!”
“Erm…”
So, how many things that you think you are really good at have you actually poured your heart/soul/life into?
If Tiger Woods tells me he is a kick ass golfer (without being an ass about it) I can live with that (and know its true). But how many OTHER things can he say that about before the :dubious: face of mine starts coming out.
And if nothing else, even IF you are God’s gift to a couple dozen different skills nobody likes somebody thats better at everything than them and likes to remind then about.
Oh, another factor. If I know somebody that tells me they kicked ass at X but also regularly says something like “man, I sucked Karioki night but I sure had fun” thats one thing. Somebody who almost never says the second? BAHHHHH
Really? You can’t see the difference between inspiring others to improve and telling someone you were the best performer at open mic night?
But like billfish said, if this is a frequently occurring pattern of yours, even doing so jokingly doesn’t keep you from looking arrogant.
I mean, I occasionally say how good I am at something (I am the champion at knowing all the lyrics to David Bowie’s songs!) But if I’m going to brag about something in a jokey-joke way, it’s usually something crazy like, well, knowing all the lyrics to David Bowie’s songs. That’s how people would know I wasn’t really being a show-off, because who the hell cares that I can do such a weird thing?
I agree that joking around is different than being serious. But I think most people understand when someone is just showing off for “pretend” and when someone is being straight-up serious.
See what you did there, though? You admitted your superiority in one thing, but gave your sister credit for another thing. You balanced the equation. If I asked you, “Do you cook better than your sister?”, you might say “Yes. Yes, I do.” Or you could say, “I do better with experimenting with recipes, but she’s better at following them!” Or “I’m a better cook overall, but occasionally she’ll make something that is pure heaven.” Or “I’m a better cook, but it’s probably because I just do it more than she does.” All of these are ways of saying you are better, without putting your sister down or making you sound like you are all that.
Most people who are really really good at something and are famous for it do not say “I’m not that good.” Because that would be straight-up crazy and annoying.
Just like if they said, “I’m better than everyone!” Because if they are famous for what they do, they do not need to say this.
But they do often admit that they never think they are good enough. And that this feeling is what makes them work so hard. So they would never say, “Yes, I am the best at what I do. Thank you for saying so.” They tend to say stuff like, “Thanks for noticing my work. I try my hardest.”
That’s not false modesty or humility. It is usually the truth.
I’m not talking about me- 
I’m answering the OP.
I didn’t mean joking as in a real joke, but in a light-hearted way.
Yes, I know what I did- that was my point. That there are ways of comparing yourself, using tone, context, wording etc that is not arrogant.
My entire point is that comparing yourself is not inherently or automatically arrogant- which was the question of the OP. If I was having a conversation like the ones I described, I would not think the other person was being arrogant, just like I didn’t think some of your second examples (in your first post) were. If you were talking to me in a normal conversation and said some of things I wrote or you did, it could easily come off just fine. It might read as proud, or excited or something else. It wouldn’t be a big deal.
However, I totally agree that if it was the basis of every conversation, or said in a haughty tone or for no apparent reason than to brag- then, yes, it would be arrogant. Context and tone matters.
Thank you.
To those who think any of my posts imply that I am an arrogant cock, fine. If it makes you happy to take words on a screen and use them to mysteriously reconstruct the tone and context of every conversation I’ve ever had, fine. I regularly devour infants.
Now that we’ve gotten all that out of our systems, I would like to return to the original point that IvoryTowerDenizen has so boldly made an effort to adhere to: why is it that, in the minds of many, negative self comparisons are acceptable but favorable self comparisons are not?
Because most very likely its just your opinion, not a fact.
So, in your opinion you are better at something than somebody else. At BEST you are IMO going to come off neutral. At worst…well, lets just say it aint good.
I really don’t think that’s the case, I think it all comes down to tone. If people are reacting badly to your favourable self comparisons then you’re not doing it right. People also react badly to modesty. Both can be bad when delivered badly. If someone asks for an opinion on a person’s ability, they’re not asking for an opinion on YOUR ability. Your writing example is a classic case of inserting yourself into a topic when it’s not necessary. That doesn’t necessarily come across as arrogant so much as self absorbed, “me me me me, but enough about me, what do YOU think about me?”
Oh, another thing.
The whole “automatically implies arrogance” is a bit of a strawman. I doubt many people actually believe that. But on the flip side I also think many folks think it only takes a small change in tone or circumstances or other factors to quickly become so.