Since when does comparing ability levels automatically imply arrogance?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As I have admitted in previous threads, I am a skill-obsessed asshole. I will not deny this. What confuses me is when I try to make an objective comparison between my abilities and someone else’s, if I make myself out to be better, somehow that’s arrogance. Consider the following three statements:

(A) “My friends Snakeford and JCoco are both much better than I am at tennis.”

(B) “My writing mechanics are stronger than Pseudovah’s, and she’ll readily admit it. However, she has a very expressive style that is quite compelling to read, more so than my elaborately constructed barrages of text.”

© “I went to an open mic night last night. It was mildly entertaining, though I was easily the most proficient musician there.”

So often do I encounter people who would hear statements like these and think (A) = humble, (B) = fair, and © = arrogant, when in my eyes they’re all just honest assessments of skill levels. Most skill sets have some way of being quantified, and if you spend a lot of time improving a particular skill, it will often be the case that you will be quantifiably better than the people you are comparing yourself to. Why is it a bad thing to acknowledge when this is the case?

Arrogance, in my eyes, is automatically assuming that you are the best or that you will be better than someone else based on irrelevant factors. In the case of the open mic night, that’s not at all what went through my head. I sat through every single performance, and none of the other musicians presented material that was as technically challenging as my piece. Fact. Were there performances that were more interesting to watch than mine? Probably, but that was not the basis of my comparison. So why do people act like I just stepped on their children when I say things like ©?

2

The socially acceptable assumption is that you are not an accurate or unbiased judge of your own abilities. You may in fact be perfectly accurate and unbiased, but there’s no way a stranger or mild acquaintance would know that, and it’s assumed you’ll fudge the truth to make yourself look better. By contrast, since you are unlikely to want to make yourself sound worse than you are, putting yourself below another is “fair”. That’s the basis for one of the exceptions to the hearsay law, after all.

It’s possible to get away with it and not come off as arrogant, but you either need to have a silver tongue or be extremely well known by your audience. I have a close friend who is generally scrupulously accurate in her value judgments, which I’ve come to understand from knowing her for years. I know when she says she’s better than me at something, she’s simply telling me the truth as she sees it, and it’s likely that it’s closer to reality than the truth as I see it. …It still comes off pretty snooty when she does, though.

3

I don’t know you or your circle of acquaintances. MAYBE you’re a wonderful person and your acquaintances are oversenstitive jerks. MAYBE you’re a nice person who just comes across as an arrogant jerk, without meaning to. Or MAYBE you really are an arrogant jerk. I have no way of knowing, and will make no judgments.

I’ll just ask… is this a one-time thing, or do people OFTEN accuse you of being an arrogant show-off? If it’s one time, shrug it off. If it happens regularly, you have to ask yourself honestly: “Do they have a point?”

Is comparing yourself to other people AUTOMATICALLY a sign of rudeness or arrogance? No, but it CAN be a sign. You’ve surely seen OTHER people acting that way; do you like it in others?

One thing I can say for sure: people who are REALLY good at something tend to be fairly humble about it. To use a hypothetical example, suppose you’re a MUCH better golfer than your buddy. Is there really any need to bring that up regularly, as if your buddy doesn’t KNOW you’re better than he is? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, you’re probably BOTH pretty bad. Ask a real champion golfer, like Darren Clarke, about how good he is, and he’ll usually tell you something like, “Oh, I can play a bit. In a pinch.”

People who are genuinely great at something generally DON’T feel a need to rub that fact in people’s faces.

4

It’s not the comparing that is arrogance, it’s the apparently certainty of your judgement, your accuracy.

5

In your (B) and © examples you are presenting subjective opinions as if they are facts.

6

Actually, I’d say that (B) sounds both arrogant and pompous.

7

No one likes a show off, just because something is true doesn’t make it polite or social acceptable.

Try to examine this from an extreme example. Let’s say I’m in a wheel chair do you point out that you can walk and I can’t. It’s true so why not. Because if you did you’d come off as a jerk, not hard to understand.

Because an abled person is comparing themselves to someone disabled.

So if I play an instrument and am not as good as you and you point it out, you’re kind of saying the same thing. I’m “disabled” when it comes to my music ability and you’re abled.

It’s a bit extreme but you can see how it works. It’s just a matter of proportion.

8

Since… well, a long time?
Usually it’s pretty obvious when there is a skill differential between two people, so there’s generally no need to bring up your superiority unless you’re trying to brag about yourself or tear someone else down. It looks arrogant, and almost nobody likes that. There are occasional cases where ranking yourself in a skill is relevant, like assigning teams so skill sets even out, but usually it’s like randomly bringing up how much money you make or how pretty you think you are. No one trusts it (because people often think they’re objective about things about which they are not at all actually objective), so it seems at best awkward and at worst horribly douchey.

9

While it may NOT be arrogant to point out you are better at this or that it is a common characteristic of arrogant people to do just that (not to mention many of them exaggerate their relative greatness and in the worst cases are actually WRONG about it). I guess there are some arrogant people who just think they are better (or actually are) but don’t run around telling folks. But since they don’t tell us they aren’t on our social radar.

Basically, arrogant assholes who toot their own horn too much ruin it for us totally logical and honest vulcan types. So it goes…

And besides unless its something very precise and quantifiable, like how fast you can run a mile, its just your own opinion if you are better.

10

Simply admitting the bias in your self evaluation makes the statement less arrogant.

11

Reading through the replies, it seems that some people are imagining (A) (B) and © as ways of starting a conversation. Perhaps I should have clarified that, for the most part, statements like these only come up as answers to questions, such as (B) What do you think of Pseudovah’s writing? or © How was open mic night last night?

I have a very hard time describing things in isolation, particularly when it comes to using arbitrary metrics – ask me to rate something from 1 to 10 and I’ll probably just stare blankly. I greatly prefer to make comparisons between two things. Since I *automatically find myself analyzing skill levels anytime anyone does anything, the most natural way for me to describe how I feel about something is by comparing abilities. Further, if the thing that the person is doing is also something that I participate in, it seems natural to make a comparison involving my own abilities – sometimes favorable, sometimes not.

*Can’t switch this off. Wish I could, but I can’t.

12

It has nothing to do with when in the conversation it comes up. I’m not sure how you got that from the replies.

13

My instant answer on reading the title was “when you start assigning value to people as human beings by how they rate on your arbitrary scale”. However, reading the OP, you’re not an asshole, so never mind.

What may be happening is that blind spot we all have in regards to how we come across to others during casual conversation. Ever watched a video tape of yourself when it’s not a performance? I cringe. I try to hide under the sofa cushions. It’s so obvious on camera that half or more of my affect is “Like me! Like me! I’m a nice person! Like me!”.

You may have the opposite affect where - even though you’re a perfectly nice person and are in no way judgmental - you come across as an arrogant ass.

The only way to know for sure is to either check with those you can trust to be brutally honest with you or secretly video tape yourself interacting with others.

14

Life is not a competition sport. It’s actually normal to make observations about a subject without ranking things from best-to-worst, much less putting yourself on top, especially if it’s volunteered without prompting. And, not to sound too relativist, doing so ignores the issue of subjectivity; not to mention the fact that everything can be evaluated by a range of metrics. Another factor that comes into play is frequency: if a person consistently demonstrates this kind of behavior, I’m going to suspect that person has an inferiority complex.

15

Just saw this. It helps to clarify.

As someone who reviews portfolios, critiques work and grades projects on a regular basis, I have a hard time relating to the evaluative limits you have. If it’s true that you “wish you could turn this off,” I sincerely believe that you can. The good and bad news is that (all) it takes is effort and practice.

16

That actually makes it sound worse. In that case you are bringing up a comparison with yourself when none is warranted. When it doesn’t sound arrogant it sounds a little self absorbed. In your answer to example (B) you talk more about yourself than the subject of the question.

Just don’t voice the comparison. If someone asks you to rate something from 1 to 10, silently compare it to something (yourself if you have to), establish your rating then voice the rating only. Your answer to (B) sounds far less self absorbed if you say, “Her writing mechanics are a bit weak but her style is very expressive and compelling.”

When people ask you about how the open mic went, they want to know whether you enjoyed it, not how good you were.

17

Truth. I used to correct everyone’s spelling. I didn’t necessarily do it to be superior, I did it because I genuinely thought I was helping, and admittedly because it irritated me some to see words poorly spelled.

As you can imagine, not many people appreciate unsolicited corrections.

These days I simply don’t bring it up unless it obscures the message or the conversation is itself about spelling. It made me twitchy at first to not comment, but after a while the reflex went away and I even find myself defending folks who have a tough time spelling but are otherwise decent against nitpickers.

18

Yeah, I’m having a hard time imagining a conversation where I am forced to compare myself with others.

But let’s see if I can’t drum up some…

Question 1: Do you consider yourself a strong writer?

Me: I think I’m above average. I have published a few things, but I’m not going to be a Nobel laureate or anything.

Question 2: How did Suzie do at the audition?

Me: She was good. There were some people who really hit it out of the ballpark, but she wasn’t a slob at all.

or

Me: She wasn’t great, I have to be honest. But I think she was just really nervous.

Question 3: So both you and your sister are scientists. Who’s smarter?

Me: That’s tough. I think we’re both smart. But she presents herself as more intelligent, has better verbal skills, and has more self-confidence. I’ll be honest, though. I think there are some things that I do way better than she does. But she makes more money than I do, so it doesn’t really matter.

It doesn’t matter what kind of question comes to mind. I can always find a way to make it not sound arrogant.

Arrogant responses:

Question 1: Do you consider yourself a strong writer?

Me: Yes. I’m better at writing than most people I’ve encountered. I have even been published multiple times.

Question 2: How did Suzie do at the audition?

Me: So-so. I could have done a much better job than she did.

Question 3: So both you and your sister are scientists. Who’s smarter?

Me: I am. I mean, we’re both smart, but I just kill her in math and anything analytical. She would be the first to agree with this.

Do you see the difference in the responses?

19

To be honest, except for the audition one, I could see the other “arrogant” answers sounding just fine, depending on context and tone.

20

Really? Even the question about my sister?

I guess the question really is, what is to be gained by being accurate? Let’s say I am smarter than my sister in any and every objective measure. Why does the person asking this question need to know this? It not only puts me in the uncomfortable position of sounding boastful, but it makes me put down my sister. Or it puts me in the position of admitting I’m dumber than someone else (and why in the hell would someone want to admit this?) I wouldn’t like a person who would even ask me such a crazy question.

It’s actually not a hypothetical situation. People are always asking me, as a twin, which one of us is better at something. When you are twin, you are constantly being compared like this. If you are worse than, you learn how to be honest without sounding like you feel sorry for yourself (“We have similar faces, enough to fool people, but she’s taller than I am and has a super model body”, “I don’t make as much money, but I make a good living and I’m fine with my job.”) If you are better than, you learn how to be honest without sounding arrogant (“I am skinnier, but she has a nicer body”, “I’m more artistic and creative, but she does better with the left-brain stuff”.) It doesn’t take anything away from either of you to do this, but it protects both of your images.

Sometimes the truth can be told with other truths thrown in. If someone says, “Are you a strong writer?”, you can answer in the affirmative and you can also admit that you are not the best. The second is unnecessary, perhaps, but it prevents you from looking arrogant. Which seems to be the OP’s concern.