I’m talking here about statements like the following:
“I’m a nice guy [or person].”
“I’m very intelligent.”
“I’m gorgeous.”
“I’m not at all racist.”
I’m not talking about statements of skills or interests, not talking about:
“I’m pretty good with computers.”
“I’m a long-time birder and know a lot about different species.”
“I have my master’s degree in marine biology.”
“I’m a Christian.”
“I’ve voted Democratic in every election in my life.”
Do you make the first kind of statement about yourself? What do you think when you hear people make those statements?
Myself, I try not to say things like that. And when I hear folks make those statements, it immediately raises my suspicions: in general, I find that people who say such things aren’t telling the truth. They say these things because they realize people believe the opposite, and they think they need to correct the record. But folks who are genuinely intelligent, or not racist, or nice, don’t have to correct the record: their actions speak for themselves.
Curious whether most people feel the same, or if this is a cultural thing, part of my white protestant anti-bragging upbringing or something.
Isn’t “I’m not at all racist.” almost always followed by “But …”
The first two I hear, I don’t remember hearing the third, at least not seriously.
I think some socially non-adept people would use the first two, the 4th one is almost always not very accurate.
In writing “show, don’t tell” means that if the scenery is beautiful you are supposed to describe the beauty, not just tell the reader it is beautiful.
People who say the things in the OP are telling, not showing. They aren’t even necessarily wrong - someone who is discriminated against may be more intelligent than given credit for.
Also applies to resumes - don’t say you’re a great leader or innovator, show examples.
And I agree about the racist thing - the person is probably about to show they are racist.
“I’m not racist” isn’t always followed by something racist. It’s sometimes preceded. And it isn’t always followed by, “but”. Sometimes it’s followed by, “I have many Black friends.”
I agree. Either their actions will speak for themselves, or a third party will suggest “Go ask her for advice, she knows a lot about this,” and I’ll typically (but not always) trust the third party until proven otherwise. (I say not always because some people are too dumb to even judge other people’s intelligence.)
Anytime I hear such a statement, I usually reply something like this:
“Some personal characteristics are meant to be self-evident. If you find yourself having to state them on your own behalf, you might want to take a long hard look in the mirror to figure out why that is.”
Maybe they are self evident, but maybe they aren’t. Maybe you are gorgeous, but heavy set. You see yourself as beautiful even if the world doesn’t always, and so telling people is a from of self affirmation. Maybe you know you are intelligent, but you are also a twenty four year old cute blonde, and people don’t see past that, and sometimes, you just need to state it. Maybe someone has just accused you of being a bitch - and you know, in that case, you are, but you are normally a nice person, you are just going to speak up when someone cuts in front of you in line. “Normally, I’m a nice person, but that doesn’t mean I’m a doormat…go to the end of the line.”
In some ways it seems like a lot of male privilege that you guys don’t need to articulate these things and are just given the benefit of the doubt. Because a lot of us need to actually say them aloud in order for them to be acknowledged.
For the most part, a person who truly is nice doesn’t have to say so.
That being said, there are times when the “I’m not racist/homophobic/sexist/etc.” qualifier is indeed justified or needed, because there are some audiences who will pounce to conclusions in a heartbeat. However, saying “I’m not _____” tends to perversely introduce that very thought into audience’s heads. It’s like the advertisement “Not your grandfather’s Oldsmobile,” which was meant to say that Oldsmobile is NOT a stodgy fuddy old car for outdated people, but in fact introduced that very thought into customer’s heads.
So it’s not that one is wrong to introduce that qualifier - but that one needs to do it in a different way.
For me it depends on the context. If someone asks you to describe yourself, fine. If it’s somehow relevant, fine. (“I’m a pretty smart person, but I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag.”) A lot of times people are insecure about those traits and “I’m a nice guy” types usually aren’t. They’re playacting at nice because they want something. But as long as it’s not excessive, I’m not too bothered.
I had a stepmother in law who never shut up about how great she was. How compassionate and generous and trustworthy she was, how she was the best therapist, how people confided in her and her alone… It was really grating. When she divorced my FIL she engaged in the most evil and vindictive behaviors I’ve ever seen in a divorce. She tried to financially ruin him, signed fraudulent checks in his name, destroyed his property, and lied to the police that he had child porn and cocaine in his backpack. So much for being trustworthy.
To tie back to what the OP said, though, sometimes someone is so clearly evidently good at something that for him to say otherwise would get much more backlash due to faked humility or faked modesty. If someone were to ask Tom Brady, for instance, “Are you a great quarterback?” the only answer Brady could give would be - “well, yeah.” For him to pretend he’s not would get a big “oh please” reaction.
(But that’s only if he’s asked. Someone like Brady doesn’t have to volunteer that info.)
IME, “I’m a nice guy” is usually the prelude to some guy complaining about how women claim to like nice guys, but in reality only date jerks. His proof is that they won’t go out with him.
Well, actually, we do like nice guys, but we also like it if they can do something besides drone on about what’s not working in their lives.
The lady who sits by me at work Is the biggest self-promoter I’ve ever known. She frequently says things like, “You know me, how I’m always so organized”, “It’s just that I’m a really conscientious worker”, or “I’m just naturally good at” whatever. One time she was talking about her son, and she said, “He’s a very exceptional person, just like me”, and I started to laugh, because who says that? But she wasn’t joking.
Any time she makes a mistake, I’m tempted to say, “What happened, hot shit?”
(Even though I am a really super nice and good quality person).
It’s fine to brag a little about above average abilities you actually have. Not just out of the blue, but in context. And if you are giving yourself props it oughta come along with an offer to use your super powers to help.
But usually it’s just undue vanity. Not a problem I have, I’m better than that.
The affirmation thing I buy. The “normally I’m a nice person” bit? Nope. Don’t buy it. Someone who’s normally a nice person is unlikely to feel the need to say such a thing.
As for privilege, I’m not convinced that men are given more benefit of the doubt when it comes to being nice. There are definite gender differences in how niceness is perceived, but I’d be interested in seeing evidence that men get the benefit of the doubt in this case more than women do.
With intelligence, I definitely agree there’s gendered misogynist assumptions about intelligence. But the way I generally hear people persuasively push back against sexist dismissals of their intellect is through the second category of statements: rather than say, “I’m intelligent,” a person will say, “I’ve worked in this field for ten years/I’ve repaired my own car thank you/I’ve written several articles on this subject/I’m the president of our precinct”, that sort of thing.
I actually just told someone, “I’m normally a nice person, but that doesn’t mean I smile on your command or that my time is yours to demand.”
I do not just say I’m a nice person, its usually in response to someone demanding I be nice and then calling me a bitch when I don’t jump to the smile or help or whatever demand they are making.