I try not to yell at people, mainly because I know what being yelled at for inconsequential things feels like. My parents yelled at me on a fairly regular basis for things that weren’t exacly federal crimes! (forgetting to do my chores, unintentionally hurting someone, etc.) Funny thing is, they never seemed to treat my brother and sister that way!
Of course, sometimes if I’m provoked, I will yell at people, but mainly I yell at my computer and inanimate objects… seems to work sometimes, and if not, I get to vent and presto! No more unhealthy anger!
This is not to say that I never raise my voice… yes, of course I do! Definitely if I see someone doing somethng they shouldn’t (and they’ve been told not to), and of course to warn people if they’re about to be hit by a car or something!
Being the oldest of five children, I had developed a rather loud speaking voice (if only to be heard over the others). It’s been a running battle, but I’ve finally learned to modulate it down to a normal conversational level, although it does occasionally creep upwards, especially when I get excited. My friends soon learned, however, that the time to start looking for cover was when I got quiet.
Sometimes when I’m alone in the house, I’ll shout just to vent my frustration at something that’s been going wrong. I’ve stopped doing it when my wife is home, because she always thinks I’m mad at her. I once told her, “I’m not yelling at you, I’m yelling at myself. You just happen to be standing between us.”
I think if you can’t handle being yelled at occasionally you aren’t fit to interact with other human beings. Go join a monastery or live in a cabin in the woods. Normal people yell sometimes when they are upset and shouldn’t have to feel guilty over it.
But what if there were a situation in which you were the problem (or the cause of the problem), and calm, rational discussion didn’t solve it?
It’s not about dispensing “sage, wise, and clever things”… it’s akin to giving someone who is Just Not Getting It a wake-up call. A verbal shmack upside the head, if you will.
My experiences tell me that sometimes there are people who don’t respond to calm and rational discussion.
*But what if there were a situation in which you were the problem (or the cause of the problem), and calm, rational discussion didn’t solve it? *
Ah, but it does IN MY CASE. I refuse to be in a relationship where yelling is how problems get solved. If I’m the problem, then I expect to be told, calmly and rationally. As I said before, I simply will NOT be yelled at in angry and agressive tones.
Not to say I don’t get mad, irritated, frustrated, etc, but I express it as anger ABOUT something, not directed at someone. In my opinion, this is the most effective way to get things done in life, and I always roll my eyes when I see someone in a public place yelling and screaming to get what they want.
In some cultures, it may be appropriate, but in OUR HOME it’s simply not on. If it works for you, in your interpersonal relationships, have at it.
Different dynamics, different people, I suppose. :shrug:
SPOOFE’s exactly right. Sometimes there reaches a point where a person is the problem, and telling them logically and calmly in a conversational tone that they are the problem sails like a balloon made of depleted uranium.
Judging someone who is yelling at another person is kind of foolhardy, because the observer never knows exactly why the yelling is taking place. To some people maybe it does look like it’s just immature, out of control and unintelligent. To the person who’s been in that situation for months and had every attempt at dialogue fail completely, it’s the rational response to not repeating the same failed action over and over again and expecting different results.
Point is, you can’t just say that yelling is automatically immature and disrespectful. To judge that, you need to know what precipitated the yelling, Perhaps a cheating SO, or a roommate who endangered the yeller’s life by irresponsibly leaving the door unlocked at all times.
Yelling can be a sign of immaturity or abuse, but it is not necessarily equal to immaturity or abuse.
Actually it was the blanket statements of judgment that anyone who yells at a person is ‘juvenile’ ‘immature’ ‘disrespectful’ ‘irrational’ ‘out of control’ automatically because they yelled.
I have no problem with people who don’t yell. I have a problem with judgments made about all people who do.
IOW, I didn’t like the implication that I’m an immature disrespectful irrational out of control juvenile because I’ve sometimes used yelling to get my point across. Diffrn’t strokes, as long as there’s a mutual respect for those diffrn’t strokes.
catsix on your example do you think that rationally telling your roomate that she was going to be kicked out if she didn’t start locking the doors would have worked? The only thing that I can really see yelling useful for is showing that you are serious, and you can do that by simply doing whatever you said.
Sterra, I had that ‘You either have to learn to lock the door or you can’t live here anymore’ discussion with her at least four times in a calm, quiet manner.
She’d just always reply ‘No big deal.’ and things didn’t change.
The yelling thing happened a week before my appointment with the building manager to see about evicting her. She had no idea at the time that I was meeting with him because I didn’t want her to take out anger on me, but she had heard more than once, ‘You will have to leave permanently if you can’t lock the door.’
That could be the difference- that conversation would not have occured 4 times, were I in the same situation. Once is plenty, IMHO, then the consequences are taken. I can see where things can build up to a point of frustration where yelling is the only way to get a point across, but I submit that doing what was originally said “lock the door or you can’t live here anymore” would have resolved the issue without anyone needing to yell. You gave an ultimatum and she refused to follow it- issue over.
:: shrug :: I’m not second guessing you, just showing that people deal with things in different ways- I find the “take action” method more effective then the “wait and see” method. YMMV.
I watched a court TV show where the defendant got his neighbor into hot water because, vindictively, he called HRS on her for yelling at her kids, who were misbehaving. She had previously called HRS on him for abusing his. Astonishingly, HRS investigated!! No actions were taken, but her name would be on the Potential Abusers list in the HRS system for years because a complaint was filed!
Kids get yelled at. That is a fact of life. People yell at each other. That also is a fact of life. Ever been in a real Italian family gathering? There is a lot of yelling that goes on in them and that is a fact of their lives. They just express themselves in ways more energetic than most.
Psychiatrists even agree that spirited arguments in marriages are often a good thing.
Is there anything done in anger that is not abuse? People get angry and they yell. I think we are provoking a dangerous precedent that will have serious consequences down the road by proclaiming that anything done in anger is abuse. We are already seeing negative results from a couple of decades of not being able to spank or firmly discipline children and 60% of parents have begun spanking again. We have also started seeing negative results from such things as making the definition of sexual harassment too liberal in the work place. If you compliment a female coworker on her looks, you are harassing her! I know a lot of women who like being complimented and they dress to be so, but lawsuits against male coworkers for doing what they elicit have cut the amount of compliments down.
I’m sorry, but going through all of the trouble of evicting someone just because you’d rather not yell seems a little harsh and unforgiving to me. And Anahita?
You mentioned that everytime you see someone yelling at someone else, even if you have no clue the context of what they are yelling about, you roll your eyes.
It all depends on the context of yelling. If someone screams, “EXCUSE ME! I HAVE A BROKEN TOE!!!” Because someone is inches away from your broken toe, that’s not abuse. If someone were to call you names or belittles you constantly, then it would be.
People can’t always be calm. It doesn’t always work. There’s a time and a place for everything. For me to yell though, takes a lot, but I’m not afraid to do so if need be or when pushed hard enough.
Here a few situations where I am in a position to judge and do judge. When someone’s need to scream and shout with someone interferes with my life.
Example:
A couple yelling and screaming at the table next to me in a restaurant. I’m not judging what they are fighting about. I don’t care. But the table next to me in a public place is not the place to do this. Take it to the car, outside, wait until you get home. If you do it out in public, you are infringing on my rights to a peaceful quiet meal.
Another example:
A passenger in line at an airline desk, a customer at a bank shouting and carrying on at the employee is just not the right to deal with a problem, IMHO. Yes, I judge that person as a person who cannot solve his/her interpersonal problems with a relative stranger without shouting. In many places, shouting obscenities and threats at an employee is abuse and punishable. When I see someone doing this in public, yes, I do judge them. I doubt that shouting and carrying on in this manner will make the employee work any faster, more efficiently or effectively.
What you do in your own interpersonal relationships in the privacy of your own home or flat is your own business. I think it was in that context that I said it to catsix.
It wasn’t like I was trying to evict her because I didn’t want to yell. I wanted to evict her because she created a highly unsafe living situation by leaving the door to the apartment unlocked at all times while gang members and crack dealers wandered in and out of my apartment in the middle of the night.
I was raised in an abusive home, physically, emotionally, and verbally. My dad is simply a “loud” person. Having someone you love yell at you all the time sucks donkey cock. I left home eight years ago, when I was almost 18, and even now when he raises his voice, my stomach hits the floor and I want to run screaming for the hills. All he has to do is raise it just a bit, and the whole family waits with baited breath to see what shitstorm’s about to rain down.
It’s an abuse of power, and it’s wrong. I suppose as long as the yelling is mutual, it’s not as bad, but I just don’t see how it’s healthy.
Catsix, that roommate and I wouldn’t have lasted two seconds. His/her shit would’ve been on the sidewalk the first time she refused to lock the door…and the crackpipe shit? Sweet Jesus! And I got pissed at one of my roomies for inviting the neighbor’s kids in for juice!!!
Unfortunately she had a lease. I couldn’t just ‘kick her out’ without violating the terms of the contract. I had to have it voided before she could be removed.