Catsix,
I wasn’t writing about you trying to evict her. I knew you weren’t. I was responding to someone who said that they would’ve had her evicted after she left the door open the second time and that she wouldn’t have yelled at all. I totally agree with what you did.
Anahita,
I’m with you on those yelling situations. I think it’s obnoxious. Sorry if I misinterpreted the context.
Lezlers
Ah. I’ve always had my name on the lease and just taken on roomies as I saw fit. I totally understand you losing your cool with her then.
Personally, I’d much rather have a good yell, or be yelled AT, than have to suffer ‘The Silent Treatment’. In some ways, withdrawn and cold silence is far more ‘abusive’ than having a hissy-fit and getting over it quickly.
Would I prefer to spend time with people who are cordial and collected rather than with those with “Poor Anger Management” stamped on their foreheads? Of course.
Does reasonable anger management equate with being passive and reserved? Not at all.
Spoofe, you’ve really missed the point if you assume that being able to control one’s anger means that one is dull. It simply means that one is better equipped interact with others without upsetting them.
Neither behaviour is appropriate.
No worries. (Mind you, I didn’t say: NO WORRIES, LEZLERS!) which would be yelling.
My father used to yell all the time at my mother, brother, and myself. We were always walking on egg shells. We never knew what would set him off. Physical abuse was present as well and usually would often go with the yelling. I hated it. The yelling was just as bad as the physical and sometimes worse.
The occasional WATCH OUT or OUCH or yelling over loud music/tv/ outside voice etc is not considered the same thing. We as humans have the ability raise our voice for legitimate reasons, such as preventing a tragedy or being heard over other loud noises. Using the yell to make a point is very weak. It is like using the car horn because you are angry at the other driver. Use it to prevent an accident. Yell for good reason. If you over use it, the effects are weakened like the boy who cried wolf.
Yelling at your spouse accomplishes nothing. I married a very calm person who rarely raises her voice and same with me. Never would I put her in the same state of mind that my father put my mother.
Now if anyone yells at me in anger, I very calmly warn them ONE time to be cool. If they choose to escalate, I view that as violence and destroy their ability to continue. Thanks dad for making me a loving husband and father and sociopath to others that think it is OK to yell at me.
Well if you whisper, “Zombies! Run!” then don’t be surprised when your brains get eaten.
Why do so many of my threads get turned into zombies? 
Some of them weren’t even started by “me” but by others who were in my home at the time and posted on my account.
How about now?
Wow. Eleven years from OP to thread win. Must be some kind of record.
Flywheel, by the power vested in me by, well, me, I guess, I hereby declare that you win the thread.
Try not to make a habit of winning eleven-year old threads, though, ok?
:shrug: My Wife and I have had exactly one ‘fight’ in sixteen years of marriage. And we didn’t even raise our voices. Yelling at each other is pretty much unthinkable.
The bigger question is how does somebody have the technical ability to first find the thread, second join the message board, and third reply to the thread all the while lacking the ability to comprehend that the last person to care enough about this particular subject posted over 11 years ago?
Why do you assume they care? I know the culture here thinks this sort of thing is bad, but I know a lot of places where you are actually supposed to resurrect a thread to talk about an existing topic, rather than create a new thread and waste time going over stuff that’s already been said.
I also know that a lot of people don’t see these threads as conversations, but just a place to voice opinions. If they see their opinion is not represented, they post what they think.
I know that I will do this in the comments section of any article I read, no matter how old. And I’ll do it in any forum where I see factually inaccurate information that I think may mislead others who stumble upon it via Google. And I can see that argument for this post: the poster in question thought it was factually inaccurate to say that there can be absolutely no yelling for people like him who equate angry yelling with abuse.
Again, a lot of people don’t see message boards as communities. And I’d honestly argue that most really aren’t. Ours is different.
This is exactly how I grew up, only the verbal abuse (and yes, I consider it abuse), came from my mother.
And I feel exactly the same way about my autonomy as an adult who gets to actively choose what behaviors I will tolerate.
I HAVE banged up our perfectly lovely car, and more than once. I am appallingly bad at spatial and depth perception, and any driving on ramps with concrete barriers curving around in narrow circles. I have ugly scratches on both sides. My husband looks, and winces. Hell, I do too. It’s a really nice car and they are damn hideous scratches, one area in fact deep enough that rust is setting in.
If he had the unmitigated gall to YELL at me about it, rather than express his disappointment at the circumstances … wow. I can’t even imagine. He never has yelled. Never, not about anything. No have I. We’ve had moments of extreme stress, as every married couple has. Two years of my mother, with Alzheimer’s disease, living with us while we waited for an opening in a memory care facility. Having a toddler and an extremely demented parent living wih us, and the lack of sleep, the chronic and never-ending need from both, and trying the schedule our working lives around her daycare and his, so many nights of my husband upstairs bathing our resistant toddler while I was downstairs bathing my hostile mother … it sucked. Sucked. We were both undere extreme stress and always sleep deprived. If it wasn’t our son waking us up in the middle of the night (rare), it was my mother setting off the alarms we’d installed to keep her from wandering (frequent) or hearing the odd septic noises that traveled upstairs through the floor vents in our bathroom, that let me know I’d be climbing out of bed to mop up another overflow mess because the toilet had been stuffed with several rolls of toilet paper (hideously frequent). In one particularly bad moment, we sequestered ourselves in the garage for some privacy and said some truly awful things to each other, inbetween the bouts of my mother opening the door to make sure we were still there. Everyone has moments of appalling behavior, and most of the time, if it’s rare and there are extenuating circumstances, they can be forgiven. Husband and I had enjoyed nearly two decades of what we’d both describe as a good marriage, and what we said to each other that one night in a culmination of chronic extreme stress nearly destroyed that. It took us both a long time to truly forgive. I will never forget. I went for blame (“you never” “you always”) and he for cruelty (name calling). I had not realized, in the more than 20 years that I had dated and been married to him, that he was even capable of such a thing. Even at that, neither of us so much as raised our voices.
I could probably live with being yelled at once or twice, if I’ve done something extremely selfish, like making a large purchase without discussing with him; I’d be mad about that too, and my own behavior would not be pretty. I would be all kinds of appalled if he yelled about banging up the car; it’s not as if I took my keys and deliberately gouged through the paint. I am living with the ugly things he said, I understand the circumstances, and truly do forgive. Once. Twice would be unpardonable. Physical abuse would be a one-time occurrence as well.
Having grown up in an environment that was loud and angry and both of my parents verbally abused each other, and my mother often verbally and sometimes physically abused us, my threshhold for such behaviors is very low. I would own that as my problem if I couldn’t overlook a rare display of very humanly bad behavior. Rare. Unusual. But yelling at me more than a sporadic handful of times and under extreme circumstances would be met with terminating the relationship. I consider that to be what emotionally healthy people do when they are being ABUSED.
QUlT RESURRECTING THESE OLD THREADS!!!
It’s bits of brilliance like this that make reading the SDMB so damn worth it. Thank you.
/Thread Won
Certain highly intimate moments . . . and perhaps “yell” is not quite the right word . . .
You come home and your car is smashed to shit because your s.o. went through a red light while text messaging and totaled someone elses car too.
“Are you alright, sweetheart?”
Yes, I wasn’t injured.
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
Yes, I’m fine.
“WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!”:mad:
Don’t hate so much on zombie threads like this one. I missed it the first time around (I only read the Dope on dead trees eleven years ago), but it contains plenty of advice and food for thought which I happen to benefit from right now. One of the things my wife and I disagree about is whether my occasional habit of “raising my voice” (in volume, sometimes to the point of “yelling”) is truly all that different from her preferred methods of ratcheting a discussion up into an argument. I have cut back on my yelling, and really want to work harder to cut back even more, but it’s helpful for me to see that some 2002-era Dopers agree with me that it’s not in an of itself fundamentally different from some other sorts of verbal behaviors, “abuse”-wise.
I have also learned from this thread that others are like my wife in that growing up in a household where one parent tends to yell at the other can lead to one being especially sensitive to being yelled at by their SO. This makes me understand her (what I see as) exaggerated distaste for this particular argument style (“exaggerated” because it feels to me like she’s trying to absolve her own responsibilities, by downplaying the severity of her preferred styles) as a product of her childhood experiences – and this helps me to control my yelling even more.