Arrested Development
“Plate or platter?”
“I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.”
“Was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?”
"Oh sure, lots of times.
“She’s not that Mexican, Mom, she’s my Mexican. And she’s Columbian or something.”
Seen last night:
House: I need a genetic disease.
Wilson: I’m sure you’re carrying a few.
My Line needs a bit of setup.
I was wondering how the show would be received here, but then I saw Bolt and Meet The Robinsons, so I feel I’m in good company.
There is an early (old) episode of Spongebob Squarepants from the first season (Hard to belive, 10 years ago.) by the name of “Plankton”, which introduces the antagonist of the show of the same name, for the very first time.
The plot of the episode has Plankton trying to teach Spongebob how to figuratively grow a backbone. (Many, many puns are made on the different expressions that get across the same idea, IIRC, backbone is also included in this line-up)
One scene has someone not looking where he is sitting, and he actually sits on Spongebob. Plankton is talking to Spongebob, while onlooking.
[Paraphrasing the first lines]
Plankton: “Are you going to take that?”
Spongebob: “No”
Plankton: “Well what are you gonna do about it? Now is the perfect time to be Assertive! Assert yourself!”
Spongebob then makes a comment: “Excuse me sir, you sitting on my face, which is also my body”
Plankton: “That’s it Spongebob, Be Assertive!”
Immediately after this, Spongebob basically pick pockets the guy sitting on him. As he does so, you see Spongebob’s finger moving around poking inside the pocket.
Spongebob “Beep Beep”
Plankton: No no Spongebob, Be Assertive! Not INSERTIVE!
Now, the actual line, is when Spongebob goes “Beep Beep”. At once, there is no need at all for it, but the delivery of it, channels something, so epic. You get the sense that they threw the line in, just for the humor, and at the same time, you don’t care. It’s just perfect, common sense doesn’t need to be bothered with it.
“There’s a person called Eunice?”
“I squeeze a grapefruit once in a while.”
“That’s Capricorn, is it?”
“Well it’s not literally about cheesemakers, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.”
“Yes, we are all individuals!”
“I’m playing … all the right notes. Not necessarily … in the right order, I’ll give you that.”
“You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you it’s me’ line?”
“Anything else… would you like the hotel moved a few inches to the left…?”
“Computer says no.”
What’s Up Doc? / Double Indemnity / Life of Brian x 3 / Morecambe & Wise with Andre Previn / Seinfeld / Fawlty Towers / Little Britain
Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it’s true.
[pause]
Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.
“We . . . thought. . . you. . . was. . . a tooooooaaaaaaad.”
My 9th grade class loves A Knight’s Tale
“It’s called a lahnce…helllloooo.”
Will Smith in about every movie:
“I have got to get me one of those!”
[Kitty collapses, Lucille downs a shot]
“Ah well, back to rehab”.
-Joe
I wrote this just before I went out to do yard work. While working in the yard, I thought, “you know, that episode was ‘Walking Tall’, not ‘Plankton!’”.
Anyway. The line is still there. It really is a “have to be there” type of moment, but it works so well.
Monty Python - The Meaning of Life
And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour.
And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon,
and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots.
Here endeth the lesson.
Keep in mind this was a ‘lesson’ given to a bunch of grammar school kids by a totally deadpan John Cleese. Hilarious.
The one funny line I remember from “Whoops” (and , yes I remember the show) was when, after the nuclear holocaust, they were being attacked by giant ants:
1st guy: “They must have mutated from the radiation!!”
2nd guy: “You THINK??!!”
I still laugh!
In Without a Clue, a comedic take on Sherlock Holmes being a buffoon and Watson doing all the work, Sherlock is trying to discover the true identity of Moriarty and after hours and hours of exhaustive reasoning he shouts out:
“I’ve got it. His name is Arty Morty!”
Still makes me laugh.
(Cybill has just had a test shpritz applied at the perfume counter, and wants Marianne’s opinion on the fragrance. Marianne is unaware of this.)
Cybill: Hey, smell me! (Holds out her arm.)
Marianne: Hey, bite me!
In the movie I Love you to Death, after his wife and mother-in-law try to poison him, a very groggy Kevin Kline holds up a game and says:
“Hey Ladies, Mo-NOP-o-ly!!”
My wife and I still laugh when one of us says it!
This one’s kind of embarrassing because it was so universally panned, but I just like the sentiment.
Mallrats:
“You’re going to listen to ME? To something I said? Haven’t I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know shit?”
“…and that’s when the C.H.U.D.S. came at me”
Homer Simpson
…used as the last line in a string of unfortunate events.
From MASH, extra lines added for context, italicized line is my favorite Charles Emerson Winchester III quote.
Charles: Sir, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn’t like him, but he knows him.
Col. Potter: Fine, you have dad call Harry, then have Harry call me, and then we will work something out. In the mean time, vamoose.
Charles: Yes, sir, I am… vamoosing. But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Col. Potter: I think he’s starting to get the hang of this place.
From Family Guy:
Lois: Peter, do you even know which one of our kids I’m talking about?
Peter: … Gordon?
(Their kids’ names are: Chris, Meg, and Stewie.)
A Simpsons line I can’t even explain WHY it’s funny, it just is…
Homer, stuck on an island, shouting “Help me, Shee-bus!!!”
Not sure if any Ace Ventura made in here, but I was just watching Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls last night. That movie cracks me up.
The scene where he meets the chief and gets a big gob of spit in his face. It’s a great sign of affection for the Wachati. And then he gets one from the chief’s son …
“My … aren’t I the popular one.”
Kill’s me every time.