Single people over 30: would you be willing to marry without love?

By marry, I mean enter into a committed monogamous relationship of indefinite duration, whether sanctioned by the state or otherwise. In other words, the gays can play.

I’m not doing this as a vBulletin poll because I wish to provoke a discussion. Can you imagine yourself marrying for reasons other than passionate sexual desire? If so, what might those reasons be? If not, why not?

If a wealthy octogenarian with a terminal illness and no known heirs wants to leave me millions, sure. Otherwise, no. No to marriage with or without sex. Oak rides alone.

So you’re telling me I should cancel the assassination of Alexis Denisof, scheduled for Xmas Eve and calculated to leave his wife Alyson widowed and lonely and open to your blandishments?

Fine. I’ll just get you a toaster.

:: calls off ninja ::

Hey, I got nothing against a little freestyle fornication. Just not down with that 'til death do us part part. But if you go for the toaster, I’d like a 6 or an 8, please.

As I’ve grown older I have become more practical and “realistic” about my relationships (and lack thereof). I have married for love then seen it fade away. I have been in intense deep lengthy infatuation that I called love but wasn’t reciprocated.

Once you get to be 40 you see that love doesn’t come around much anymore. And some of us are not very adept at getting into any kind of relationship to begin with.

So, what to do? You grab onto what you can. Does that sound sad? Perhaps it does. You make the best of it.

I don’t mind being alone. I would rather be by myself rather than in a loveless marriage. But I can understand how people would feel otherwise.

If I wanted a loveless marriage, I’d get a roommate.


I blew most of my twenties in a relationship/marriage where, for the latter 75% of it, I felt something more akin to obligation and she felt something more akin to desperation than love.

Ain’t never gonna do that again.

That’s not to say I’ll never remarry, but I’m going to make damn sure that it’s with the right person. That’s why I told my current (fantastic) girlfriend of four months that I want at least a year before I contemplate making any life-altering decisions.

I had a horrible, horrible marriage that was based on love. I think I want to stay single, but I’d consider marrying someone who was kind and with whom I was compatible without love love, in theory. I guess I wouldn’t rule it out under the right circumstances.

I wouldn’t deceive someone though.

Nope. I had love once and I’m not settling for anything less.

In the absence of some sort of reciprocated love or need to maintain a family, marriage seems pointless.

I’m 34 right now, and I’d say no.

But ask me again in ten years.

I did marry without love. I like him, but we’ve been married for 13 years and the love hasn’t just come on it’s own.

In some ways we have a nice life together. Kids, a house, family. But there feels like something is missing.

I’m not sure why love= passionate sexual desire.

I can imagine theoretically getting married for the purpose of forming a partnership til death do us part, caring for our elders, sharing child care burdens, etc. There would need to be significant friendship there, and presumably some sexual desire ( I can live a chaste life without marriage).

If we treat sexual passion as only one form/facet of love, I can’t imagine marrying without love. I’m not convinced it’s the most important facet of love, but then, well, the only sexual passion in my life exists between the covers of romance novels, so what do I know?

I may have to marry outside of love - at least by the rules of attraction. I’m 43, living with depression and allied conditions that mean I’m not particularly confident or competitive - which means my sexual appeal to any woman with options is about nil. But the statistics on men my age who never marry are pretty depressing. We’re a sad bunch, most of us.

I’ll never forget a dear friend of mine, a gentle, funny guy who never could stand the real world - couldn’t hold a job, couldn’t start a relationship. He gradually withdrew from his friends (he had many) in his 40s, and ended up slowly drinking himself to death. I can easily see myself going that way unless there’s someone there with whom I can share…something.

Oh HELL no. That’s one of the few requirements I do have these days.

That’s an extreme exaggeration, but I just spent over a decade locked in a marriage where I was blinding myself to the fact that my love wasn’t being reciprocated. Ain’t no way, no how I’m doing that shit again. I have a much better idea now of what’s going to be important to me in a relationship and in the person on the other side of that aisle (should I ever proceed that far again). Real and genuine love is at the top of that list.

Having said that, I don’t begrudge anyone who marries for other reasons. As long as two people together have an understanding of what the relationship really is, and they’re both OK with it, more power to them.

I’m 34, if that matters.

P.S. - Have I mentioned oh HELL no? I have? Well, carry on, then.

ETA: I just re-read the OP. Your thread title says “love,” but your OP says “passionate sexual desire.” I don’t equate the two.

I’m not single, but . . . when you say “without love,” are you also saying “without sex”? Either way, what would be the point? If you’re lonely, get a few pets.

What do you mean Skald, when you say “not based on ‘love’”; do you mean mutual attraction, or a commitement to give each other the best treatment if possible?

I suffer from a general allergy to the idea of linking myself to another person for “ever and ever,” compounded by fear (downgraded from “terror”) of being as horrible a mother as mine and hers. While there are vague notions that marriage has its benefits and I did have a boyfriend I was quite close to marrying (we had communication problems, so I figured better not), marriage is very much not in my To-Do list.

So, hell no. If I ever get married it will be because I can’t think of a single reason not to.

Nope. I broke off a marriage-headed relationship a couple years ago (I’m 39 now) because the passionate sexual desire wasn’t there. We were brilliant together in loads of other ways, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of a lifetime of putting up with boring sex for the sake of the rest of the relationship.

No. Am I old now? I don’t feel old. Certainly not enough to be desperate enough to marry without love.

I’m 31.