Six months ago, my mom died. Four months ago, my dad started dating.

[computergeek]

It seems to me a large part of the bad feelings is because the OP’s half siblings are pissed that their dad didn’t become the good dad that they wanted after his wife died. They seemed to be subtlety believing that the OP’s mom was the reason for the distance from them and now that she’s dead, the dad hasn’t gotten any closer to the kids and now the kids are faced with the fact that Dad was the “villain” after all.

[DSeid]

I’m not really getting the sense that anyone believes the op’s feelings don’t count. The issue is how he behaves as a result of the feelings.

I’m happy to turn this around … if the Dad was posting here I’d be happy to tell him he was being a bit of an ass too. Not for his getting involved but for his not being willing to keep his mouth shut just a bit about his new relationship around the rest of his family after they had made it clear it makes them uncomfortable. Yes, I know … new horny love … he’s back to being a teenager.

The reality is as it is. Dad is involved with another woman. Dad is who he is. He does not live for the sake of his children. Our op has a choice over how to deal with that:

1. Keep trying to shame Dad into behaving more like a proper old man grieving the proper amount of time in the proper manner. He won’t. To quote Walt Disney: “That ship has sailed.” Result: resentment all around and likely an increasingly estranged relationship.

2. Attempt to accept Dad and Mary as a new couple that come part and parcel just like Dad and Mom did. Not quite embrace her, but accept her. Might be too hard for our op to do right now.

3. Own the problem. “Dad, you have every right to become a new couple and to do what you want. I just am not ready to be part of that quite yet. When I call can we please keep the conversations about Mary to minimum. Please respect that I need some space and time. I’ll be holding off visiting when she is there … for now … because I am not yet quite ready to deal with this. I’ll get there but I am not there yet.” My MIL did not love hearing something very similar to that and she could not help but talk in couple terms quite a bit when my wife called. But she tried some and my wife tried to tolerate some and my MIL understood why we did not stay in the family home when we visited that first year. And now the time has passed.
   BTW … what is the proper amount of time to mourn before dating again?

[Sparks13]

@storyteller0910

First of all, that last sentence is a crappy thing to say. I don’t think it’s fair to say that because he didn’t curl up into a ball alone in a corner, his feeling of loss are diminished.

Second, I quite agree that his kids’ and grandkids’ feelings are as valid as his. But you seem to be saying that they ought to be more valid… to the point that you seem to think that he should amend his grieving process to help them with theirs. Why is he required to do this - having lost his spouse of 33 years he must now also sacrifice what company he can find in order to keep his children from rejecting him? - but they are not?

I didn’t say he should curl up in a corner. I didn’t even say he should quit dating Mary. What I DID say was he didn’t seem to care about anyone’s feelings but his own. His kids feeling are EQUALLY valid, but dear old dad seems unaware that anyone else even has feelings. That is totally unacceptable, from ANYONE. I have suffered through plenty of grief in my life, the loss of grandparents, parents, in laws and a much loved sibling. At no point during the grieving process did I ever forget that I wasn’t the only one grieving or the only one hurting, and I would never have done anything to add to the load of others. What dad is displaying at this point isn’t grief, it’s total narcissistic selfishness.