Terrible, actually. I have not been taking care of myself very well at all. I sit pretty much all day long. I try to get up every 25 minutes and move around a bit, but haven’t been making time for exercise. I prepare healthy meals every day but I also eat unhealthy things. I’m on a continuous BC that has done wonders for my depression and endometriosis but makes me constantly hungry. Commuting three hours a day does not help.
This is also adding to the rest of the stress in my life. The PTSD aside, it’s just a stressful time for my husband and I as he is going through Ph.D. internship application phase and we just have no idea what is going to happen to us in the future. I could be living in Delaware or Chicago this time next year, looking for a job all over again, or he might not even get in at all and would have to find a job while we spend yet another year waiting.
Well, if anything this thread has been very therapeutic.
One thing that caught my attention was in your description of your childhood self and the phrase fundamentally bad. Obviously I don’t know you, but that just rings some alarm bells for me regarding your self image. If I’m way off base, feel free to ignore this.
My general self image has gotten pretty good lately I think. Having a job I love and excel at has helped a lot.
I do use the phrase ‘‘fundamentally bad’’ intentionally because that’s what PTSD is like for me. That was the only way I understood myself as a child - a pathetic creature who radiated badness. I can know with my adult brain that it’s not true but when I’m in this state of mind I still feel that way, and I can’t control feeling that way. All I can do is remind myself that it’s not true. I don’t know how else to explain it.
This may not be a great suggestion, but in a recent column Savage Love talked about getting "a low dose of one of the benzodiazepines (such as clonazepam) " for people who acted out in thier sleep. I worry it might be a triggering column for your issues, perhaps you could ask Mr Olives to read it for you?
Healthy diet, good. Occasional unhealthy snacks, fine. No exercise, bad. Find something fun that gets you going. Bike riding, racket ball, walking the dog, smashing the phone every time a political ad rings…