I have this problem. Pretty much the instant my head hits the pillow at night, my mind immediately turns to the disturbing and horrific truths about the world. Sometimes the shift is so sudden it’s shocking… sunshine and puppies on the brain one minute, The Holocaust the next. The Holocaust is a favorite thought topic of mine. That and the Spanish Inquisition, political prisons, domestic terrorism and mass murdering sadists like Elizabeth Bathory.
I do everything I possibly can to not fuel my anxiety. I don’t watch horror films, I don’t read disturbing news articles, I don’t *try *to think about these things, they just pop in there. I think about the horrible suffering of the world in vivid detail, trying to imagine what it would be like to be rolled to death in a barrel full of crushed glass, or stabbed repeatedly, or operated on without anesthesia. I have a VERY vivid imagination and am extremely empathetic… I can’t see someone go through anything without immediately thinking of how it would feel. Usually these anxieties encroach my understanding of reality… I worry constantly that someone’s going to break in and do horrible things to me, even though I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building with three locks on the door. Sometimes I hear a noise and it makes me scream and I wake up my husband. Other times I get so afraid that I have a panic attack and lie in bed noiselessly thinking I’d rather die than live in a world where such terrible things can happen to you.
Needless to say, I’m a bit of an insomniac.
I know, basically, where all this is coming from. I was profoundly traumatized by my childhood. I used to lie awake at night and think about all the scary events that happened during the day. I did grow up in a very unpredictable environment. My Mom threatened to kill me a few times, once with a shotgun and another time with breaking a glass bottle over my head. She also destroyed our sofa with a butcher knife and drove her car deliberately into the side of my stepdad’s office building. She was extremely cruel to me, in an almost ritualistic, sadistic way… I have always thought of her sympathetically, but lately I have really started being honest with myself about the outright systematic and intentional way in which she abused me. She would regularly break me down to the point that I was sobbing on the floor on my hands and knees begging her to forgive me. Then she would mock the sound of my wailing. Living with her was psychological torture.
But I’m 26 now, and I don’t get as much sleep as I deserve, and I’ve got no rational reason to be this afraid of life anymore. I just want to know what I can do to make this anxiety go away. I’ve had excellent success with CBT in other areas of life, and I wondered how CBT or cognitive techniques might apply to a situation like this. I do have fear of death anxiety throughout the day but the terror doesn’t reach anywhere near the same level. I need some sleep.
Has anyone, trauma history or not, gone through anything like this? How did you stop it?
Gosh Olives, that sounds just awful to have to go through on a daily basis!! How you are sane right now is amazing! Hopefully your husband is very supportive.
I haven’t gone through all the trauma you did, but I have my share of baggage. My thoughts/dreams don;‘t haunt me anywhere nearly as traumatically as yours do… but I DO obsessively worry about death, adn my kids’ safety. If my husband is 30 minutes late coming home from work, I worry that he was in a horrible accident. Don’t even get me started about what I think/worry about when he travels!!! As the years dragged on, the worries got much worse… to the point where I finally went to my GP, and got a prescriptipon for Zoloft. I didn’t want to go on a drug, but my family found it more and more tiresome dealing with my worries and control issues due to worries. (my 16 year old daughter couldn’t cross a busy street – at the crosswalk no less-- without me freaking out.). THe low level prescription has worked wonders. I still have the fears, but I can control them with a bit of logical thinking. Sometimes it gets the best of me, but for the most part, I am able to get through the day without irrational worries.
Have you tried medicines or a therapist, to talk things out? I also did that in my early 20’s to help deal with my Dad issues, and that helped too.
I recommend Belleruth Naparstek’s guided imagery CDs, specifically Healing Trauma. It is very gentle and safe to listen to, it won’t make you relive the trauma or anything, it’s really about healing.
I also really like her book, Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal. Here’s the direct link to the trauma section of her store. YMMV, but I found her stuff very helpful a few years ago when I started having horrific flashbacks again. I actually listened to the trauma CD so much I wore it out. I found her Healthful Sleep CD useful as well, which may be all you want right now.
I didn’t find CBT much help in dealing with my PTSD, honestly.
Accepting that my mother was abusive was a huge step for me, but also world-rocking. Feel free to PM me if you want.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this, lack of sleep is such a drain that affects us in terrible ways.
My trauma was very different from yours, but I used to think about it all the time at night. It would make me jumpy like you mention, and terrified to sleep.
Along with therapy, I started doing this when I’d have those thoughts at night: Out loud, I’d say “Stop.” and force myself to think of something else. I’d acknowledge the thought with the “Stop” and then by making myself think of something else, I’d force myself to turn it around. Sometimes I’d have to tell myself “Stop” ten or more times a night, but eventually I was able to train my brain to automatically move in a different direction.
My thoughts weren’t like yours, but mine were often poisoning. Basically I would take any future encounter and imagine all the ways it could go bad. Then imagine what I would say and what he/she would say and what I would say. Then start all over. I call it a negative feedback loop. The negative energy feeds on itself making me more and more angry - at something that hasn’t even happened! Isn’t that silly. I used to be an angry and depressed man.
Here is what I did: Whenever I found that I doing this, I just interrupted the feedback loop with a “mantra” repeated over and over. Mine was: Joy, wealth, success. Or sometimes: Joy, wealth, health. Then I would try to sleep. If I found myself in a negative feedback loop I would again start my “mantra.” Anything to interrupt the loop.
You might have a look at: The Joy Of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. The first half of the book discusses the science of happiness and and the brain and as far as I can tell it is fairly sound. The second half talks about ways of meditating to retrain the brain to be happy. Both halves were fairly dry, but I am finding them insightful.
I go through something similar…well maybe not really…I dunno. But very often I can’t get to sleep at night because I start thinking about my own death. Ways that I could die, ways I’ve seen people die on those medical shows. Pretty soon I’m so terrified of dying in my sleep, I end up tossing and turning for hours. Basically I try to combat this by just trying my damndest to not think about it. Sometimes making up a little happy story in my head helps and I can make it continue from one night to another.
I used to do this when I was driving. Any time I got behind the wheel my mind would wander to the horrible things I anticipated people saying to me and all the break-ups and firings and things I just knew would happen that day. Then I would get out of the car and be perfectly fine. Since I moved somewhere that I don’t need a car anymore this behavior has stopped almost completely. I think it was something about the car that was a trigger for me.
IANAD etc, but IMO you need to change the channel in your head a bit. When you start having these thoughts, you need to become aware of them and consciously think of something else and concentrate on that. Ludicrously simple, I know.
If you continue to have these thoughts, your therapist and doc need to know ASAP. Lack of sleep can affect (effect? I never know anymore) your meds and your psychological outlook (in that it can exacerbate depression). Also, have you tried listening to relaxation tapes or soft music while you go to sleep? Or even changing the furniture around in your room. It sounds to me like you’ve become habituated to your sleep routine (which is a good thing, usually), but you need to change this element of it.
Good luck. I hate when I get those kinds of thoughts.
I have been dealing with therapists for years and was rather heavily medicated at one point, but no medication really worked consistently and I have decided I’d rather work it out cognitively than deal with side effects of medication. I know a lot of people don’t think of CBT as very effective for C-PTSD (my psychologist was extremely reluctant to let me switch gears), but for some reason, for me, it works amazingly well. Behavioral activation and cognitive therapy have really improved my life in a lot of ways. I’m reading ‘‘Learned Optimism’’ right now and feel it has had immediate affects on my sense of well-being. I’ve been stable for a few years now, and am really starting to thrive in my every day life. I think now that I’m safe my brain is sort of letting this stuff out to deal with… grief and anger on a level I haven’t felt before.
These sounds like excellent resources and I really appreciate you sharing them. I’ve always thought of my Mom was abusive, but in an ‘‘overwhelmed single Mom with a traumatic life history’’ sort of sympathetic way. Very recently, as my self-esteem has improved tremendously, I am starting to get more realistic about what happened and who she is. That in itself is painful. It made a lot more sense when it was all my fault. Now that I know it’s not, it’s a lot harder to accept.
This is also excellent advice. I never thought of using a mantra. I might go with the traditional Om Mani Padme Hum, the mantra of the Bodhisattva of compassion, Kwan Yin. I don’t believe in deities but as a symbol I find her very comforting. So far the only thing I’ve thought to do is sleep with the air conditioning on so I can’t hear the cat running around in the living room.
rigs and Sleeps, you are right… the first part is to stop. I need to bring a more rational mind to bed. It sounds like some of you have gone through this… I’ve had the ‘‘playing out future interactions’’ and ‘‘husband dead in a car crash’’ in my head thing too, and that’s no better. In all cases, it’s miserable.
Wow, Olives, my profoundest shock and sympathies for the horrors you went through as a child. I can’t bear to imagine what that would be like.
That said, I did not experience anything traumatic as a child, yet I occasionally have bouts of very similar disturbing imagery when trying to fall asleep. My imagination was rife with horrors, many of which have already been mentioned and I’m sure you don’t need to hear mentioned more. It happened to be more when I was younger, nearly every night when I was 16-18 or so; it still happens occasionally during anxiety flareups. ( <— key point here)
These thoughts are at least partially a side effect of your anxiety; when going to bed our brains and bodies are tired, and when we’re tired we have less energy available to control our emotions with. My counselor explained that to me; she was much clearer about it than I am, but I think you understand the concept. And the fact that you’re losing sleep exacerbates the problem, since your body doesn’t have enough time to rest and recover.
You seem to know what your problem is and how to solve it; the problem now is getting your body to the point where it is able to break the cycle and concentrate on a mantra or affirmation. Make sure you’re eating lots of protein, as that gives you more sustained energy, and just don’t forget to eat in general. Stay hydrated, drink more than you think you need. Go to bed a little earlier, and give yourself time to unwind your brain; don’t think “I need to fall asleep by…” or else it will never happen. I’m sure there’s lots of other great suggestions out there; add them together and soon you’ll find a combination that works.
I really hope you’re able to conquer this problem, goodness knows it’s terrifying. But you’re not alone in this experience, and knowing that helps a lot. hugs
I feel you, olives, and I wish I knew how to fix it. I’m reading this thread because I’m hoping somebody’ll have some suggestions that can help me. At a very young age, I basically developed insomnia. I was intensely lonely and depressed and would often cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I never outgrew that. My husband tries to help me, but the more depressed and upset I get, the more closed off I become. I always think I have him fooled, too, but he always knows. Every night, I think about everything that can go wrong in my life. Some nights I think about what I’d do if anything happened to my husband. Other nights, I think about money–how much debt we have, how little money we have, how worthless I am for not having a better job. Some nights I wonder when my husband will finally leave me, or when my writing partner will announce she’s going to work on her own–I don’t have relationship problems with either of them, I just figure it’s going to be a matter of time. As a result, I never actually go to bed before two or three. If I try to go to bed at midnight or one, that just means I’ll have four hours of the negative feedback loop instead of two. And when well-meaning people tell me to go to bed earlier, I want to punch them in the face. Don’t they think I’d get more sleep if I could? Don’t they think I like sleep? Fortunately, I only have to wake up before 10 one day a week.
Yikes, Olives, I’m very sorry. That sounds… rough.
Have you ever tried writing this stuff down / drawing it / otherwise creatively recording it? Maybe it’ll be an outlet AND an interesting project (for both you and anyone you care to share it with). I know many people who find that slightly helpful.
I recently started a journal (first time in my life) and it’s been a tremendous relief for me – something I never expected.
/hugs
Please let me know if there’s ever anything I can do for ya or if you just need someone to talk to.
I hope my suggestion of going to bed earlier didn’t come off that way. I don’t mean going to bed earlier in a “get more sleep” sense, I meant it as a way to reduce stress. If you know it takes a long time to fall asleep, having more time to lie down means you’ll at least rest your body more, and maybe with more time you won’t feel as pressured to fall asleep by a certain point; even if not, maybe you could read or try breathing exercises or something for distraction. It’s more about revitalizing your body than actually sleeping.
And I was rereading my post, and realized that I worded it slightly wrong, but it’s too late for the edit window. When I said “You seem to know what your problem is and how to solve it,” I meant something more like “You know what your problem is and have ideas for how to treat it in a new way.” I know that “solving” a problem like this doesn’t happen with one magical cure or one magical post on a message board. But I think you’re heard advice that will lead you in a better direction.
Oh, no, I wasn’t talking about you at all! I’m sorry it read that way. My husband regularly tells me I need to go bed before two or three, my sister informs me I’d feel better if I went to sleep, my writing partner chastises me for sleeping in so late (she’s up by 7, I usually can’t even function until after 10). And no matter how much I remind them I have insomnia, it doesn’t seem to stick.
I have some fairly massive sleep issues for similar reasons (ie can’t get to sleep, broken sleep when I do, horrendous nightmares, sleep through alarm and feel like crap all day). I have recently made some improvements as the result of some serious hard work. I’ll tell you what I have been doing and it may be useful or it may not not be useful for you - it is just what has worked for me.
Bedtime routine (pretty much the most difficult for me) No after dinner snacks & not too much liquid to drink (no boooze at all) Set bedtime every night. Have a bath first hop into bed then listen to something positive (audio book, online streaming, quiet music etc.) I only listen for 1 hour then sleepy bo bos. I am at the stage where I go to sleep before the end of what I am listening to (hallefeckinluia). I have a set get up time and routine too (get up, bathe, go outside for some fresh air, have breakkie etc.) Same time every day. No sleeping during the day at all.
It has taken me 4 months to get to the stage where I now feel tired by bedtime, fall asleep within an hour of going to sleep (damn near a miracle for me) and am able to get out of bed before my alarm.
I have found it quite difficult and it is so easy to slip back to old patterns. I tell you what though four months ago I would not have believed I would be sleeping this good.
I am in congunction with all this - having therapy, trying to eat properly, accessing as much support as I can (I am calling this my life renovation) etc… This is what is working for me. I hope you find something that will work for you.
Olives, I never knew the extent that you had been abused by your mother, and I just want to say how sorry I am for the things you went through. I don’t have any advice as to how you can sleep better; but you are one of the most genuinely kind people I know, on or offline. The fact that you became the person you are despite the treatment you received shows that you are stronger, that you are better than those that came before you. I really hope the advice in this thread helps you to find some peace and quiet in your mind. Good luck.
You were profoundly traumatized by your MOTHER (among others IIRC your history correctly). I see you doing what got you through to adulthood and that’s minimizing not only the amount of trauma but the source. I told you this in another thread – dealing with my own very similar issues was much like a triage situation. First I had to stay alive. Then I had/got to deal with the next layer of damage and repeat as necessary. It sure sounds to me like you are moving to another layer of damage.
Yes exactly. Again I don’t mean to put my story in your thread, but the point in time when I finally realized exactly how horrific my own childhood had been was when after hearing what I had gone through, my sister-in-law put her head down on the table and cried as though her heart were breaking. THAT’S when I realized there was nothing nice or sympathetic or excusable about what happened. And for what it’s worth, that was just five years ago (I’m 49). So I’ve spent a lot of years minimizing and normalizing stuff that was not minimal or normal in any way.
Other posters have offered great suggestions about how they dealt with the images etc so I won’t repeat all that. I will say I think you are getting ready to deal with bigger damage than you have previously. That’s a really good thing even though it doesn’t feel like it. Only by doing so will you fully claim your life and (I believe) live your life in a way that brings you peace and joy.
I have the same issues and I had a pretty happy, secure childhood.
The only way I can ever get to sleep is to leave the television on and try to focus on what I’m watching until the benadryl kicks in. Otherwise I’ll imagine planes crashing into our house every time one flies over, or think someone is breaking in every time I hear a noise despite KNOWING it’s just the cats. It is not a trivial thing, and I’ve had many sleepless nights over it. I’ve been having panic attacks, particularly nighttime attacks, since I was ten years old. Used to be the old jumping as I’m falling asleep and thinking I’m dying thing, but now I think of every horrible thing in the world from yes, holocaust stories to the reality of a world completely empty of any spirituality. I grew up in this nice mildly religious Christian family so it was a given that God was there taking care of business.
Then I grew up.
I’ve thought maybe I’d like to try meds for my anxiety but after several attempts I think what’s the use, it’s not fixing anything just covering up the truth. I mostly just try my best to keep my mind occupied til it crashes.
I have those feelings all the time too, by the way. Not just at night. I just notice more at night because I’m trying to sleep and it’s quiet. I have to drive several hours a day and many days I will be in tears by the time I get home. Not exactly because I fear a crash or the car breaking down (although that goes through my mind). Because I keep imagining the WORST things happening. Like every time I go over a certain bridge I think it will fall and we will go down into the water and still be alive and I won’t be able to get my little girl out of her car seat and I’ll have to make a choice between leaving her to die or dying with her…and I can SEE it so clearly and I’m getting panicky just writing this out but I see it almost every time I come to that bridge. Some days I think I’m just not going to make it, but I have no choice. That’s the only route.
I use advil or tylenol pm. It doesn’t make much difference, though. Within an hour or two I wake up from bad dreams. Freaky how it won’t go away, even when you sleep. I suspect that’s where the saying “no sleep for the wicked” comes from. Not that I’m implying you are wicked, but I’ll bet all of things that you carry with you will never just go away. No matter how many pills you take. Can’t rain every day though.
