I’m sorry; it really sucks that this is happening. I know exactly what you mean about there not really being anything left to do. I get frustrated with myself when I get upset now and then about the same old shit that I’ve long since dealt with in every way possible. Sometimes, it just overwhelms me again, and I can’t logic my way out of it. All I can do is wait it out.
That said, I did notice one thing here you could maybe give some additional thought. You mention how you feel sometimes like you’re not the accomplished, adult you, but a kid again. And I know that feeling very well, too. But notice how you put it: “The person I usually am gets replaced with that fundamentally bad, isolated, hopeless person I was as a child.” You sound so dissociated from, and ashamed of, yourself as a child, and you have no reason to be. From what you’ve said, you were certainly isolated, and also hopeless - though in the “having no hope” sense, and not the “being beyond all hope” sense - but you were never fundamentally bad, even though that’s what you were told, and what you may have believed. And further, “you” now and “you” as a child are not two different people. It certainly may feel that way looking back, given how much you changed, and I’m sure you would never have believed as a child that you would blossom into the wonderful adult you are now. But that’s indeed what happened. That helpless, hopeless kid who wished so desperately for someone to save her became her own savior. So when you feel like you’re back in that old familiar hell, just remember that in time, you got yourself out of it. And in time, you will again.
And on a lighter note, if you haven’t already heard it (or even if you have; it’s always worth another listen), check out Mike Birbiglia’s radio story about his violent and terrifying sleepwalking episodes. He nearly killed himself, and it’s one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard. He has a specific issue, REM behavior disorder, and I believe he mentions in the story that he’s medicated for it now. Even though you may not have the same issue, there are treatments that can help.
Anyway, do get as much sleep as you can; my nightmares are always worst when I’m stressed and exhausted. But of course, the nightmares keep me from getting a good night’s sleep, and make me anxious about going to sleep in the first place. Yay, vicious circle. When I’m avoiding sleep, I find it’s much easier to fall asleep while it’s still light out, and/or while my husband is still awake and puttering around the house. Often, it’s enough to turn talk radio on - ideally, not quite loudly enough for me to understand it, but just loud enough that I can hear people’s voices. When it’s silent and dark, it feels like I’m already halfway into Nightmare Land, and it’s hard to let down my guard. The sound and light help remind me I’m in the real world, and will stay here even when I’m asleep.