My bedtime thoughts are so freaking morbid.

[Spice_Weasel]

@Stauderhorse

Olives, I never knew the extent that you had been abused by your mother, and I just want to say how sorry I am for the things you went through. I don’t have any advice as to how you can sleep better; but you are one of the most genuinely kind people I know, on or offline. The fact that you became the person you are despite the treatment you received shows that you are stronger, that you are better than those that came before you. I really hope the advice in this thread helps you to find some peace and quiet in your mind. Good luck.

@The_Weird_One

^ What he (she?) said.

This made me cry. Thank you for your unbelievable kindness. I really do try to do things that help others instead of hurt them. I could not abide continuing the cycle of abuse and denial in my family. I made a pact to myself to take responsibility for my actions, be honest about my intentions and never take out my hurt on other people whenever possible. I’m not perfect but I do take pride in the fact that I never deliberately hurt anyone.

@Contrary

You were profoundly traumatized by your MOTHER (among others IIRC your history correctly). I see you doing what got you through to adulthood and that’s minimizing not only the amount of trauma but the source. I told you this in another thread – dealing with my own very similar issues was much like a triage situation. First I had to stay alive. Then I had/got to deal with the next layer of damage and repeat as necessary. It sure sounds to me like you are moving to another layer of damage.
Yes exactly. Again I don’t mean to put my story in your thread, but the point in time when I finally realized exactly how horrific my own childhood had been was when after hearing what I had gone through, my sister-in-law put her head down on the table and cried as though her heart were breaking. THAT’S when I realized there was nothing nice or sympathetic or excusable about what happened. And for what it’s worth, that was just five years ago (I’m 49). So I’ve spent a lot of years minimizing and normalizing stuff that was not minimal or normal in any way.

Other posters have offered great suggestions about how they dealt with the images etc so I won’t repeat all that. I will say I think you are getting ready to deal with bigger damage than you have previously. That’s a really good thing even though it doesn’t feel like it. Only by doing so will you fully claim your life and (I believe) live your life in a way that brings you peace and joy.

This is really true. I completely understand what you mean by triage. Last year I moved halfway across the country from my family, and now I’m experiencing a great deal of life satisfaction combined with these positive external cues–better relationships, being accepted into (so far) three out of the four really excellent grad schools I applied to, and it’s boosted my once pathetic sense of self worth tremendously. In the last month or so my life narrative has been rewritten, but part of that narrative includes the realization that I didn’t deserve this. It was so much easier to accept when a little part of me still I thought I deserved it. The fact that my suffering was arbitrary bugs the hell out of me.

And another thing… I know the circumstances of my life are quite dramatic, full of endless shit to wade through, and I think sometimes I hide behind that… focusing on all the details and traumas, thinking about them, piecing them together into a cohesive narrative, trying to get others to react, to find validation, but never really feeling the loss or validating myself. I’ve tried to get everyone else to witness this trauma besides myself. When I talked about it (even on these boards) I was all flash and no substance. I was so busy weaving these narratives that I forgot something very simple: it hurt.

I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that it hurt for a long time. And now, for whatever reason, I’m in a place where I can’t ignore it anymore.

That may have nothing to do with the sleep problem (I’ve had on and off for a long time) but I just wanted to make it clear I definitely connect with what you’re saying and agree 100%. This is a whole new level of pain. I’m not depressed, I don’t feel bad about myself… I just hurt.

[Rebo]

All I can offer is a few {{{Olives}}}.

And the fact that I’ve always liked you, and I had no idea of your pain. Feel better, 'k?

[TokyoBayer]

Hey Olives, that’s really rough. Having had similar experiences, I can relate all too well. I’ve been waking up lately at 3:00 or 4:00 am and not getting back to sleep for an hour or two. After laying awake for two hours the other day, I gave up the other day and just got up. I usually feel better once I’m up.

I’m going through a learning phase now, where I’ve got more challenges in my life, and I think it’s bringing out some more things.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any great advice now, but I hope that things get better for you soon. I know what you’ve been through, and find it remarkable for the progress you’ve made so soon. It’s taken a couple of decades longer for me, and I’m still a work in progress.

The important thing is to end the cycle, as you have done. You’re so much a better person and I admire where you are at. Hang in there. Try some different things while knowing that it will get better.

[purple_haze]

As soon as your head rests on the pillow, start thinking of something pleasant. I used to worry that I was going to be in a car accident the next time I was on the highway, or about the kids, or what would happen at work the next day. Sometimes I thought about something stupid I did or said during the course of my day or week, and how others must think I’m an idiot.

Recently I’ve decided to try and get out of that groove, so as soon as I lie down I think of something good, or something I’m looking forward to. When I get anxious at night I sometimes do this:

What if someone gave me a penny? I would put it into the pocket of my wallet and spend it.

What if someone gave me a dime? I would put it into my coin bank.

What if someone gave me a dollar? I would probably use it in the vending machine at work to buy something sweet.

What if someone gave me ten dollars? I would pick up some laundry detergent. We need some…

I just keep going along, adding a zero to my imaginary money each time and thinking about what I would do with my ten million dollar lottery winnings and how many family members and friends I would help.

Sometimes I think about how things were when the kids were little and I read them bedtime stories every night. Their hair smelled sweet from the Johnson’s baby shampoo. We rocked in the rocking chair and life was good.

Sometimes I think about what I would do to fix up the house if money was no object. What colors would I choose? Wouldn’t it be fun to get a decorator?

The point is, all of these thoughts are harmless, safe, and soothing. When I get off track and start worrying about things that are irrational or that I can’t control, I refocus on another harmless mind game. After a while I’ve found that my negative thoughts are fewer. I doubt they’ll go away completely, but it is better.

Do you think that something like this would work for you? Go through the alphabet and find something good for each letter. Mentally grocery shop and get things that you normally wouldn’t. Whatever works for you.

I hope you’re able to sleep well soon. My heart goes out to you.

[Little_Plastic_Ninja]

Yikes.

I have no words, olives. But I know how some of this feels and I’ve had the same insomnia.

I found a way to get over it, though I’m sort of reliant on it now: I listen to audiobooks before I go to bed. By now I’m down to about fifteen minutes from lights out to asleep. I have an iPod loaded with books that I’ve read or listened to dozens of times and I have an alarm clock with an iPod attachment. I set it to play for 15-30 minutes, depending on how sleepy I feel.

The downside is that I have a very hard time falling asleep without some voice telling me a story now. It becomes obnoxious when camping or if I misplace some part of the formula.

[madrabbitwoman]

@Little_Plastic_Ninja

The downside is that I have a very hard time falling asleep without some voice telling me a story now. It becomes obnoxious when camping or if I misplace some part of the formula.

Same here. I’m trying think of some ways to make the process more flexible. For the time being I’m sticking with what works.