more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tilly’s root cellar.
As useful as tits on a boar-hog.
I just about fell on the floor laughing when a southern coworker dropped that one.
Quicker than a prom dress hitting the floor.
Tighter than a bull’s ass at fly time.
Hornier than a two headed billy goat.
Darker than the inside of a cow with her tail shut down.
Cuter than boots on a rooster.
Colder than a deep-freeze on the shady side of an iceberg.
Harder than a whore’s heart.
Hotter than the hubs of Hell.
A few French Fries short of a Happy Meal.
Full as a tick (said after a big meal)
Slow as molasses in January
Slow as pond water
Nervous as a cat with deaf kittens
Lost ball in the high weeds
Grinning like a fox eating shit off a barbed wire fence.
You can’t fertilize five acres by farting through the fence.
Don’t pee on my feet and expect me to pretend it’s raining.
So poor that if they were selling mules for a nickle all I could do is jump up and down and holler “Ain’t that cheap!”.
Couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn from the inside with the door closed.
Couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag.
One taco shy of a combination plate.
Lazier’n a wagondog.
Luckier (or happier, or hornier) than a dog with two dicks
Busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger in a a wind storm.
Her face would make a freight train take a dirt road.
He looks like he was beat with an ugly stick.
Built like a brick shit-house.
A stubby short of a six-pack.
A sandwich short of a picnic.
Slower than molasses running uphill in January.
Tighter than a Baptist preacher’s wife’s girdle at an all you can eat pancake breakfast.
Stuck tighter than a hair in a biscuit.
Drier than a dead dingo’s donger.
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
Lower than a rattlesnake’s belly in a wagon rut.