Slicker than greased owl shit
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
More fun than an alcohol-fueled Amish barn raising.
Fine as frog’s hair split three ways.
Prettier’n a speckled pup running under a watermelon wagon.
Meaner’n cat shit.
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
Meaner’n cat shit on a pump handle!
Shakin’ like a dog shittin’ razor blades.
Faster than a cat shot in the ass with a bowling ball.
I alway heard , " Hornier, than a two peckered billy-goat. "
Dumber than a box of hammers.
oh…and…
Tighter than a bull’s ass in a snowstorm.
Darn you! I came here to post this one.
Grinning like a possum eating shit out of a coke bottle.
Sliker’n owl shit.
Hoo boy, I wish this forum had a “like” button.
So fat, she free-bases ham.
As useful as a football bat.
Meaner than a gut-shot grizzly.
Deader than a can of corned beef.
(Chisum, 1970)
Meaner than a stripe-ed snake.
Tighter’n Dick’s hatband.
Worse than a egg-suckin’ dog.
Harder’n pullin’ hens’ teeth.
I heard it from Uncle Jesse on The Dukes of Hazzard: “As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
“Better than a poke in the eye with a hot stick.”
“Knocked him deader’n a hammer.”
“As dumb as a box of rocks.”
“Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Want in one hand, shit in the other, see what you get first.”
“Busier than a one armed paper hanger.”
“It looks like someone set fire to your face and put it out with an icepick.”
In order to train a dog, you have to be smarter than the dog.
“Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if it had a hole in the toe and directions written on the heel”. (Courtesy of ‘oil-field trash’ in the 'oil patch- circa 1980)
I prefer the version with the double entendre.