Slippery prison blues

[Shirley_Ujest]

Oooooh, look!

Google ads for prison penpals…
Suggested titles for QtM:

** 20 years in the hole**

Just Another day in the life of a Prison doctor

Great stuff, indeed.

[swampbear]

QtM fascinating as always. Add me to the list of those who want to prepay for a copy of your autobiography.

elelle brilliant!

Little Nemo <snerk>

Guinastasia you just had to do that didn’t you! I had successfully forgotten all about that site. I shake my fist at you!

[Fir_na_tine]

@Qadgop the Mercotan

Not to my knowledge. But I’m glad to see that some here remember bageldog man.

No one who has read bageldog man coiuld ever forget him. Most of the male readers cupped their jewels very protectively for a while after reading that

[Kalhoun]

@Qadgop the Mercotan

In my dual role as Physician to inmates (hey, that’s got a nice, Larry Nivenesque ring, doesn’t it) and Supervisor of other medical practitioners, I find myself getting involved in some rather complex medical/ethical/securitarial/bovinological situations. And as I delve deeper and deeper into the implications of these situations, strangeness ensues.

Mr. Ygghrse will be spending the next few decades locked up, in maximum security. Mr. Ygghrse believes strongly that his skin needs daily skin care products lest it become dry. Mr. Ygghrse could buy skin care products in the prison store, but does not, stating that he is impecunious. This may well be. Given his current status, he does earn 4 cents an hour, but no more than this.

Mr. Ygghrse has requested that Medical Services provide him with skin care products, claiming a medical necessity. Qualified medical practitioners have seen him and determined that there is no medical necessity, that his skin is normal.

So Mr. Ygghrse has taken matters into his own hands, and regularly employs the butter from his meal trays as a skin lubricant. On a daily basis. Sometimes 3 times a day.

This leads to situations. Mr. Ygghrse is now rather slick, with a characteristic odor. Said odor is not horribly offensive, but neither is it pleasant. Security is unhappy about this state. Medical is queried. The first level of the medical bureaucracy ascertains again that if Mr. Ygghrse chooses to butter himself, it is not a problem for the medical department.

Clinical evaluators, including psychiatrists assess Mr. Ygghrse, and determine that there is no significant mental disease.

I am queried about the situation at this time, and once again point out that lacking a skin condition requiring treatment, Mr. Ygghrse will not be the beneficiary of skin care products provided by the medical department.

But wait! One medical practitioner suggests that the behavior itself could cause harm, as when butter breaks down, it turns into lactic and butyric acid. If we don’t intervene, Mr. Ygghrse will end up with a skin condition! Would not providing him with skin care products of a proper nature be a preventative? Is there not medical necessity on this basis?

I demur. If we issue him skin care products for a self-induced condition, and word of this gets out, we’ll potentially have over a thousand inmates start buttering themselves in traditional copy-cat fashion! That would be a bit much, even here in the Dairy State.

The simplest strategy would be to place him on a butter-free diet, due to misuse of state property. Checking policies and procedures, and running it past the state’s lawyers, it seems we can implement this plan. Much thought goes into the correct language for the order, as we only want to limit his free butter, not remove the butter that is already within other food objects. Nor do we want to end up having him declared allergic to butter. Proper wording for the order is worked out.

We are ready to implement this strategy. But it suddenly dawns on me! I don’t think we use butter on the meal trays! I think we switched over to margarine some time back! The man has not been buttering himself!! He’s been margarining himself!!

Good lord! Now we must research whether margarine breaks down into any components which could be harmful to the dermis. And we’d better find out whether or not we have switched to margarine. The prison dairy farm located nearby still supplies us with cheap milk. If they are still producing butter, mayhap that we didn’t make the switch. Call the kitchen!

They don’t know. They think it’s margarine, but they’re not sure. Call the main office! Get the head dietician on the phone! This must be solved! But it’s friday afternoon and noone’s answering.

To hell with it, let’s just go with an order reading “no pats of butter or margarine on his tray”. We’ll de-lubricate him entirely for a few weeks, and reassess his skin after that. My research into the breakdown products of partially hydrogenated safflower oil winds down. Problem solved.

Until yesterday. Security reports the inmate now smells like bacon drippings.

:smack: :smack:

I swear…you should be in the Dream Jobs thread. This kind of entertainment doesn’t grow on trees!

Now see…the acids would be beneficial to the skin, I’d think. Ya know…cuz I pay big bucks for acid to keep my skin fresh and smooth like a baby’s butt. I’d have let him have his butter. Er… Margarine…no wait…Margarine wouldn’t have the same effect. Nevermind…It’s a quandry, alright.

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@elfbabe

Dad, I think what jjimm was asking was if skin lotions are defined as a “basic hygiene product” in women’s prisons, allowing them to get it for free without showing medical necessity, even though they are not so defined in your facility.

No, basic hygiene products are things like soap, toothbrush and paste, toilet paper, washcloths and towels, and a good flea bath upon initial admission.

Running an open tab at Bath & Body Works (the way certain Mercodaughters have done) is not part of the package.

See ya soon.

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@Fir na tine

No one who has read bageldog man coiuld ever forget him. Most of the male readers cupped their jewels very protectively for a while after reading that

But his jewels were about the only thing not affected on bageldog man! Better check that thread with the illustration again!

[OtakuLoki]

I know I’m going to regret asking this - but where is the bageldog man story? (I just did a site search, and it’s only coming up with this thread.)

[Dung_Beetle]

@NinjaChick

Qadgop, I humbly offer my services to help you proof and edit your autobiography, free of charge.

(That way, I can come and post a thread that I got to read it before any other dopers.)

Qadgop, I will pay you for the privelege of proofing and editing the manuscript! Ten dollars, how’s that sound?

[Larry_Mudd]

@OtakuLoki

I know I’m going to regret asking this - but where is the bageldog man story? (I just did a site search, and it’s only coming up with this thread.)

Enjoy! (Helps if you know the thread title, which is also pretty darned memorable.)

[anu-la1979]

I doubt the butter would have had any ill effects on his skin-in the Himalayan portions of India they smear yak butter on themselves to deal with the mountain winds drying them out to a crisp. It’s a pretty old school remedy. I don’t know if it’s the fermented version, though, which is what they drink in their tea (butter tea = fermented yak butter in tea).

I have a feeling he’s going to go through every lipidinous fat he can get his hands on. Great story, though!

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

Sadly, the old illustrative link to bageldog man no longer functions.

Here is an equivalent image: http://www.gracecafepies.com/sitebuilder/images/BagelDog-294x212.jpg

[OtakuLoki]

Thank you, Larry Mudd and Qagdop the Mercotan for the links. (I think)

A few years ago I developed a questionable taste for stories of medical treatment for persons who’d been playing with inserting things in various exits from the body. As such a bageldog penis is nowhere near as disturbing as the schmuck who’d slipped a jumprope up his urether. Who then continued to slip enough up through that tube to leave his bladder full of rope - which then knotted and could not be removed except via surgical means.

Alas, when my harddrive died, so did my collection. sigh

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

Oh, don’t get me started on urethral/rectal insertions!

I fear I just don’t consider stuffing things into normal orifaces terribly unusual anymore. Now the debate over butter/margarine or the decision to make one’s genitals into a kosher bakery item, now that’s more unusual.

[Smeghead]

@Qadgop the Mercotan

Oh, don’t get me started on urethral/rectal insertions!

I’d just like to reiterate this plea.

[gigi]

Does he get to go outside for recreation? On a nice hot day? Because I am picturing a seedier version of Newman on Kramer, roasting like a turkey.

@Rick

Just think, with a little luck you could become the James Herriott of prision doctors.

All things dank and gag-inducing
All creatures rank or raw
All things slick and slime-producing
Our Qadgop treats them all.

[Hunter_Hawk]

@Qadgop the Mercotan

Oh, don’t get me started on urethral/rectal insertions!

I fear I just don’t consider stuffing things into normal orifaces terribly unusual anymore.

Outta curiosity, just how TMI is the definition of “normal orifice” vs. “abnormal orifice”?

[Guinastasia]

@Qadgop the Mercotan

Sadly, the old illustrative link to bageldog man no longer functions.

Here is an equivalent image: Tastes of Health

Would this suffice?

[elfbabe]

I believe the original bagel dog picture was this one.

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@Hunter Hawk

Outta curiosity, just how TMI is the definition of “normal orifice” vs. “abnormal orifice”?

Abnormal orifice: One not created by natural development.

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@elfbabe

I believe the original bagel dog picture was this one.

That’s it all right.