It’s hard to talk when you walk around with a rose clenched between your teeth.
THE INAPPLICABLE "YOU TOO"
This happens to me more often than I’d like. :smack:
“And thirteen dollars is your change. Enjoy your meal!”
“You too!”
:smack: they’renoteatingyoujackass
“You will be seated in Row 17, seats B and C. Have a nice flight!”
“You too!”
:smack: theyworkheretheyarentflyinganywhere
Somebody stop me.
Well, that works, too, but it’s likely to get you talked about.
Wait, I just remembered another one:
THE “I MISHEARD YOU AND NOW YOU THINK I’M A MORON” REPLY
I met my wife’s uncle briefly at a party. He mentioned he was visiting from Alabama. My reply to him?
“Wow, that’s long ways! My aunt lives in Little Rock. Do you live near there?”
:smack: Alabama. Not Arkansas, you tool.
What’s worse is, I was pulled away before I could acknowledge the fact that I’d just said something stupid, forever branding me in his memory as an idiot.
Good times.
I always attempt to defuse this one by adding “next time you eat one!” or “next time you go somewhere!”
I’ve recently developed a rather moronic variation on this, and that is-
NOT RECOGNIZING SOMEONE YOU’VE MET SEVERAL TIMES AT LEAST, AND REMAINING CLUELESS AS THEY PROCEED TO GREET YOU WARMLY
Was just at a barbecue on Sat. and this friend-of-a-friend gave me a very nice hello, chatting me up at exactly the social level we’ve reached- how’ve you been, haven’t seen you in a while, etc. as I’m just standing there, smiling at her a trifle oddly and replying with one-syllable answers, since my sad-ass memory has no recollection of ever speaking to this person. Y’know. Convinced the poor lush is within moments of seeing two of me.
Then, a full day later: “Ohh, that was so-and-so.” :smack:
Yes. That was so-and-so and you’ve offically made her Supercillious Asshole list.
(I just hate making those lists too early, ya know?)
Walking away while they’re still talking
I do this all the time at work. I’ll be talking to someone through a cubicle wall or something, then I walk away thinking they’re done, and ten feet away I hear their little oblivious voice going on again. It’s worse when they pop their heads out and realize you were trying to make an escape.
Can’t tell you apart from "the other one"
Where I work, there are two women who work in the same department as each other, who started at approximately the same time, who bear a slight resemblance to each other, and sound somewhat alike. They’ve been here at least a year, and I can’t freakin’ tell 'em apart! Even with a 50% chance of guessing the right one, I hardly ever do. One or the other is always giving me a dirty look and saying, “No, I’m so-and-so.”
Eek, I do the “you too!” thing all the time, and I always think people are talking to me (they rarely are). The worst is when they notice and then they’re embarassed too. Eeeek!
My personal private awfulness is when I trip over my own two feet or a painted line or something or fall up the stairs, and all the nice people run up and say “Are you okay?!” Er, yeah, just broke my dignity is all. Please go look at the wall or something while I pick myself up, thanks.
Most nasty social faux pas of mine stem from my inability to learn anybody’s name. I’m working at a new job now where there are all sorts of people who have introduced themselves to me, and I haven’t humiliated myself yet but I’m sure I will soon. It’s worse because I’m only part time and when I’m here I sit by myself in the library, so I don’t get to reinforce the name memory at all. People say “Hey, ___ left this for you!” and I have no idea whatsoever who ___ is. Hope she dosen’t call and ask if I got it. 
DungBeetle, another horror in a cubicle environment is just as embarrassing:
RESPONDING TO THE PERSON WHO IS ACTUALLY TALKING TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE
“Oh thank god it’s Friday. What are you doing this weekend?”
Me: OH I was …
“Neat, that’s cool…”
OH GOD! SHE’S ON THE PHONE!
Or the converse: You think they’re on the phone, so you ignore them!
Mine is a variation of
How about THE “MY FRIEND WAS RIGHT THERE!” MOMENT
You’re walking along with a friend talking and having a grand old time. You keep looking ahead as you walk and talk, enjoying the conversation. After not hearing anything for a while, you say something obviously meant only for your friend and turn next to you to find … a complete stranger. Your friend stopped somewhere and you kept on goin’. And now you just made an idiot of yourself by not noticing and getting that “deer in headlights” look as you get startled by the old lady standing next to you.
Then there’s
THE INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR
usually caused by too much geekiness. An extreme example: I heard some people talking about problems a dwarf was happening, assumed they were talking about a D&D game, threw in a punchline for them, and didn’t get so many laughs as cold stares until I realized they were talking about a friend of theirs who was, in fact, a dwarf…
Oh man, that’s a doozy!
We’ve a neighbor who’s wheelchair bound. He takes his dogs out for exercise every day and passes by our house at which time he’ll usually stop and visit for a spell. I don’t know how many times I’ve automatically said “Have a nice walk” as he left, only to cringe and punch myself afterwards.
Won’t see you later
An acquaintance of yours is moving away or taking another job pretty much assuring that you will never see the person again but as you’re finishing up your last conversation with them, you tell them you’ll see them later.
Uh. No you won’t. They’re moving to the Congo, jackass.
Oops.
**I forgot I already asked you how you’re doing. **
You greet someone with “Hi, how are you today?” They respond with, “Great, thank you how about yourself?” “Oh fine, thanks for asking. How are you doing?” DUH!
or from my recent experience…
You already know me, why are you introducing yourself?
Not quite recognizing someone right away and introducing yourself, then realizing you know them after all and now feel like a total heel. At a neighbor’s baby’s baptism this past weekend, I introduced myself to his wife, who I’ve met and chatted with dozens of times. “Hi, I’m Winnie, my husband and I are Mike and Lynn’s neighbors”. The Wife says, “Hi Winnie, thanks for bringing the cookies, I’ll find Mike he’s around here somewhere, how’re the dogs doing?” She was very classy, I was not. Sometimes it’s confusing in a room full of people you’ve never met what the only person you know looks like.
One day, in the coffee room of the place where I worked, someone was microwaving some really foul-smelling fish. I could smell it back at my cubicle. This very attractive girl who I liked came by to say hello at exactly the wrong time.
Hot girl: “JJ-, how are you?”
Me: “I’m doing good, but I’ll be doing better once I tell the person heating up the skinky fish not to bring that crap in here again.”
Hot girl: [Blush]
Me: “Oh no!”
Hot girl: “Sorry, I didn’t realize it smelled so bad.”
Me: "No, no, I was only joking. "
I don’t think she bought it, but we laughed about a few weeks later.
“Happy Easter!”
“Happy Easter!”
“Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas!”
“Happy Birthday!”
“Happy Bir…”
wait, that ain’t right…
Thankfully, that only happened to me once. But it was baaaaaad. I still blush when I think of it.
I see why you might be uncomfortable, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as all that. What else could you have said…“have a nice roll”? Maybe some wheelchair bound members will happen by and shed some light on this, but my understanding is that most wheelchair bound folks prefer that one not modify stock phrases for them. Similarly for blind people, and stock expressions that literally imply sightedness…as in “Can we see each other tomorrow at 10?”.
“Congratulations! When are you due?”
silence
I hope you’re right Spectre. We’re very good friends and while I don’t think he’s ever taken offense (he’s not the type) I still am mortified to have caught myself saying anything that might have given it, unintentional as it was.