Um, the co-worker isn’t small but persistent; the problem is. That said, I have a co-worker that I do some work for, and when I bring problems to her or ask her for some clarificiations, etc, she usually snaps at me, making me feel like she thinks I’m stupid or incompetent. This woman is very busy, and very stressed, and I don’t think she even realizes how she treats me, but on the other hand, I’m just trying to do my job, too, and I don’t want her bad temper taken out on me.
I’m trying to figure out what the heck to do about this situation - she’s a nice enough person, and I don’t want to get her in trouble or make the situation even more tense, but it’s gotten bad enough that it’s keeping me up nights worrying about it.
So, Dopers of great insight and perception, do I talk to this woman, do I go to her supervisor, do I just shut up and grin and bear it? Suggestions?
Have you ever said “Hey, don’t snap at me. I am trying to help you”? You are right that it may be that she is so stressed doesn’t even realize she is being snappy. Don’t say it in a mean way. Just let her know that she is being rude while she is doing it. She will probably say she is sorry.
On the other hand…
Does she actually say that you are stupid or is it just her tone of voice? If she actually calls you names then I would bring it to the supervisor. If she is just generally snappy and has a rude tone to her voice try to handle it yourself via the above advice.
I worked with a woman like that (it always seems to be women with me) and I know where you’re coming from. If she’s not waaay up on the totem pole, maybe you could ask her in a very calm way if she needs any more help, because she seems really, really stressed. I know it sounds scary, but it really sucks to be all tense and sleepless about something that probably isn’t even your fault.
If she’s waaaay up on the totem pole, yer screwed. Make a voodoo doll and give her something to snipe about!
As others have said, I wouldn’t talk to her supervisor just yet. The next time she snaps at you, say something like “Whoa – I’m just trying to finish this [project in question], I don’t think there’s any reason to snap at me like that.” I wouldn’t make reference to the many pervious times she’s snapped at you, just started addressing present behavior. If after a few comments like this she still hasn’t stopped being rude, I would then talk to her supervisor. If she’s so stressed and overworked that she can’t behave moderately politely to her coworkers, then something needs to change.
I’d like to say that I think I know exactly how your co-worker feels. I have my co-workers calling me with questions that I know they were given the answers to, as well as told where to find the answers in the computer if they forget, as well as handouts that tell where to find the answers in the computer if they forget the instructions, as well as handouts that have copies of all the answers in case they forget how to turn on their computers.
Not that I think you would do that, featherlou, just that you might be asking her questions right after someone like that.
Treat her to lunch and, toward the end, confide that you’re glad you two were able to share such a nice occasion because you at times had been convinced she didn’t particularly care for you.
Be gentle and empathetic. Let her talk and vent. You might just discover another side to her that you never knew existed.
Make it a point to do things with her from time to time, and thereby develop a rapport whereby it’s safe at other times for you to gently remind her that she’s misbehaving. Build a relationship–a friendship, if you will–and she will be more receptive. She may be quite lonely or depressed.
I think she actually is quite lonely and depressed - I think she just left a long-term marriage (and from her attitude towards men and marriage, it wasn’t a happy ending). She makes it very difficult for me to want to be nice and friendly to her when she’s always snapping at me, though. I like the idea of just calling her on it - saying something like “Have I done something to upset you? Am I doing something wrong here?” next time she grouches at me. Put all the blame on myself so she doesn’t get even more defensive (that’s another of her issues), but let her know that I notice the way she talks to me.
(Kat, I know you’re not accusing me of asking stupid questions. It really bugs me when she treats me this way, though, because I am scrupulous about trying to figure things out on my own before going to anyone else for help. If I’m asking, it’s because I’m really stumped, and she doesn’t seem to get that.)
Being confrontational isn’t going to get you anywhere in this situation. There are two things you can do:
Stop doing stuff for her
Go through the whole thing, think it over, then compile a list of questions. Don’t keep going to her whenever you have a question. Optionally, send her the list written on paper or e-mail.
I’ve been the kind of person that your co-worker is. My guess is that she’s in one of two states of mind. Either 1) she’s genuinely unaware of her tone of voice and how it’s coming across to you, or 2) she’s fully aware of it, has trouble controlling it, and feels bad every time after she snaps at you (and others).
My advice would be to approach her about it, gently, but not at the time it actually happens. Just say something like, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but sometimes when I ask you something, you’re kind of short with me, and your tone of voice seems rather irritated, like I’m bothering you or something.” That way, you’re not accusing her of anything, so she’ll be less likely to go on the defensive. Where you go from there depends on how she reacts. If she’s sympathetic, and can admit that she’s either unaware of it or that it’s hard to control, I’d suggest making a deal with her. Tell her that since you now know it’s not anything personal against you, you’ll try to be less sensitive to it if she’ll try to tone it down. If she seems to really want to change, you could arrange some little signal to let her know when she’s doing it (like just looking at her silently). Maybe you two can even get to the point where you joke about it. On the other hand, if she just blows you off, it’s then time to go to management.
In my case, I was in state 1 for a long time, and annoyed a lot of my co-workers, who never told me about it. It wasn’t until I got severely dinged on my performance review by my manager that I even knew it was a problem (I was young, ok?). Then I was in state 2 for a while, just silently kicking myself after having sounded like a total jerk. But with some time and effort, I grew out of it.
Featherlou, here’s a suggestion that you may or may not have already tried. I have a co-worker, a really sweet girl, who I swear always ends up calling me (with a legitimate question) directly after the Idiot Squad I mentioned above gets through with me. She developed the self-preserving habit of beginning with “I’ve checked in (whatever resource(s) she normally would look in for answers) and I could not find the answer, can you tell me (insert question here).” She no longer needs to, as I now know that she’s tried to research what she needs before she calls. And we usually eat lunch together, too.
