I’m a dog lover (I’ve been adopting mutts for years now) but there are some breeds out there that, either b/c they have been so overbred or b/c they attract all the damn wacko’s to them, I just cannot handle. Here are my top five:
1)Bulldogs: I work at the University of Georgia and our mascot is an English bulldog. This has to be one of the most moronic animals I have ever seen. I mean, I’m watching the football game and when they inevitably pan the cameras to Uga (see, that stands for U.G.A.: isn’t that clever?), he always looks like he’s concentrating really hard. On peeing. Or sitting. Or staring vacantly at a shrub. I mean, I’ve NEVER seen this ugly-ass (shit, the damn thing looks like it was repeatedly accelerated face-first into a brick wall) do ANYTHING except eat, shit, and die. The damn things can barely breath or walk either. But the people that own them have similar problems so I guess I shouldn’t complain.
2)Pugs: Ok, picture this: take one of those ‘Gray’ aliens made popular by the X-Files and the ‘Communion’ books, strangle it until it’s eyes bug out and spray paint it a wierd off-white color. That’s what a pug looks like. In addition to being one of the most disturbingly bizarre critters to ever walk Gods green earth, they tend to attract freakoid ladies who have such a huge maternal instinct that they actually feel compelled to baby these little mutants. This makes them one of the most co-dependant species ever to exist. I went over to a friend’s sister’s house once and she had a pug. The damn thing never stopped glomming on me until I tried to pet it, where-upon it raced off yipping and hid behind a freakin’ chair. It wasn’t a dog: it was a leech with little stubby legs.
3)Chihuahau’s (you knew this one was going to show up): In addition to having even freakier faces than a pug (imagine a small, hairless cross between a rat, a bat and a frog and you’ll have a good idea of how these little bastards look), their little peanut brains apparently get stuck in the ‘Bark’ mode upon birth and they never shut up until killed. My neighbor’s dog has been yipping for 2 years now essentially non-stop, so I know. So I asked her one afternoon (while gritting my teeth at the constant supersonic yipping coming from the mutant hiding behind her) why she bought the dog. ‘For protection,’ she says, dead serious. Yea, right. #1: How would you know if a robber was breaking into your house b/c the damn thing barks CONSTANTLY. Hell, for all I know it’ll shut up for once if someone robs her place–maybe she actually does know what she’s doing. #2: Said robber is in your apartment; what, precisely, is the little rat dog going to do now? Savage him with it’s rice-grain sized teeth? Glower at him with those googley eyes? Hurl it’s gargantuan 2 ounce frame against him in a suicidal attack? Realistically, all it’s going to do is piss him off and make him MORE likely to kill you.
4)Bichon Frise’s: Yea, the same one that asshole hurled into traffic in LA. These things look like poodles, but they’re far, far worse. If you look at their beady little eyes, you will see nothing but a blind rage. That’s b/c that’s the only thing that their peanut-sized brains can fit in them is rage; not affection, not self-preservation, not even eating. Just an unreasoning rage against everything. I once worked for a guy as a hired-man on his farm and his wife had one of these things: I swear to God the damn thing tried to eat and snarl at the same time every morning even though it almost choked multiple times. We called it Obie for ‘owl bait’ but unfortunately it never got taken.
5)Pekingese: To be perfectly honest I’ve never been around one of these long-haired freaks so I can’t speak for their temperment. But, what the hell ARE they? They look like mobile piles of hair or tribble’s or something. What do they do? Do you sleep on them? Do you throw them? Do you hang them on the wall as part of some weirdo post-modern art exhibit? What? They don’t look like they’re capable of anything other than breeding and they’d probably need divine intervention to even do that.
The worst thing about this whole situation is the fact that all these breeds (well, maybe not) MIGHT actually be worth a damn if they weren’t owned by utter boneheads. I mean MARRYING your dogs, fer chrissake, or taking it to a pet psychologist? You folks gotta be nuts! Say what you want, but I guaran-fucking-tee you that you’ll never see a mutt-lover dyeing their pets pink and light blue so they can get ‘married’ (actually saw this on the Discovery Channel). So, that screwy Wabbit says: ‘Get a life folks, and stop treating these genetic freaks as your surrogate children.’
Thank you for your time.