Smallville - 01/26/05 (Spoilers)

I would just like to state, for the record, that there was no flying in last night’s show. In previous threads I have faithfully whined about the lack of levitation, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. So, this week, I said a prayer to Hydrogen, the Greek god of getting high. (This post brought to you by the Hindenburg, Inc.)

“Please, Hydro-baby,” I pleaded, “let this be a very special episode of Smallville!”

And lo, it was. Very special. So special, in fact, that we even got a special message after it was specially done. But here, let me recap the episode:

[li]The show opens with Clark being propositioned by two nubile young ladies for a threeway. “I’ve got to do homework,” Clark said.[/li]
“But we’re naked,” the girls said in unison.


“Join us, Clarky-poo.”

“What, you’re into scat, too? I’m Superman/boy/weenie, but doo-doo scares me!”

“Right. No. We’re naked, OK? Let’s get it on.” They pouted. It’s impossible to resist THE POUT. Somehow, however, Clark does. The girls go away, and Clark runs (not fly) to his mom.

“Mom, I saw a girl! Tee-hee!” (I think this is what happened; I dunno. I was busy making a peanut-butter and jell-A sandwhich. But it probably happened, so that’s alright.)

[li]Then we cut away to that teleportation psycho girl from a previous episode. According to the scene, she was released from her psycho hospital. “Free at last, free at last, free at last!” And then she turned into a toad. (She didn’t, but it would have been cool. Toads are funny.)[/li][li]Telepor-psycho girl shows up at Clark’s secret hideout: his barn.[/li][li]“Clark, I love you. And I’m better, right? I know all of your secrets and I told no one. NO ONE! Let’s date.”[/li][li]“No, babe, you tried to kill me the last time. And you tried to kill Lana. So, no.”[/li][li]“But, Clark, why are you telling me no?”[/li][li]“Mostly because you didn’t kill Lana. Thanks to you, she got to act evil in another episode a few months back. That should have never happened.”[/li][li]“What if I pout?”[/li][li]Strangely enough, that worked this time.[/li][li]Clark then has to tell his mom and pop that Telepor-psycho chick and he are dating.[/li][li]“Bad Clark, Bad! She tried to kill you. Duh!” said Clark’s mom, who’s no dummy.[/li][li]“Clark, I am your father, and I say you have to stop this foolishness right now!” But he also winked at Clark, which means he was just joshin’ Clark. Or had cancer of the eyelid. Whatever.[/li][li]Clark, however, stayed true to his values: “No!” (They’re short values.)[/li][li]So, they date. Once. At an ice-skating rink.[/li][li]In the meantime, Lana is trying to figure out why her ex-boyfriend went all “I wanna not be with you.” She assumes, eventually, it’s because she’s not putting out. She’s probably right, but the writers tried to tell us something else. I dunno what it was, because I was meditating on how a world could be so evil as to not let Lana put out. That’s just wrong.[/li][li]Telepor-psycho girl and Buns of Steel Boy are back at his place. She tricks him into wearing some red Kryptonite. “I’m evil! A-ha! Let’s get it on!” (But they don’t, mind you, because they need to fire the writers. Oh, sure, you get a few quick glances at the tops of her perky boobies; and you get to see her wearing garters and straps, but they don’t get it on.)[/li][li]They almost get it on (there was a sidetrip to Vegas–seriously this time–for a quickie marriage), but she decided to take his red Kryptonite away. “Oh, no! I’m not evil anymore! I wish Bob Dole were here with some Viagra…”[/li][li]While this was going on, Lana’s ex turns down an offer of sexy-sexiness with Lana (who’s dressed solely in a man’s button-down–without the man) because he’s stupid and for some other reason. Again, who cares? He’s just stupid.[/li][li]Um, and then, I think, everything was resolved (although the telepor-psycho girl got shot by her doctor from the psycho hospital because he was jealous and stuff–but she lived). Except the semi-last part where Clark’s mom lectures him on getting illegally hitched because marriage is sacred or something. Personally, I think she wants to get it on with him. Just once.[/li][li]The last-last part was the ABC After School message they had Chlo(i)e give. “Please don’t have sex in high school. Be sure to wait for college and a frat boy; or a sorority girl who lookin’ for some petty revenge against her frat boy. Please.”[/li][/ul]

Which is MY big beef with last night’s episode. Here’s what I would have said had I been the one staring out the tube and into the millions of trusting teenage eyes in the tens of living rooms across the country:

“Kids, this is SuperSkip. High school is for sex, don’t fool yourself. Have lots of it. Please don’t pay attention to the show’s previous smarmy message. I had sex in high school, and it was fun. Better than an after-school job, I tell ya’. Why wait if you don’t have to? Sex, sex, sex. The end.”

Forgot to add: Chlo(i)e told Lana that she lost her cherry to Jimmy Olsen while she was interning at The Daily Planet. “I regret it,” she said.

I don’t know if Jimmy regrets it, but I know now that I should have gone into the newspaper biz.

For 20 minutes.

(ducks, runs)

But Sarah Carter is wicked hot. And, according to the previews from next week, she’s gonna stick around a bit… I know I’m not the only man (or woman, if that’s your thing/not that there’s anything wrong with that) who nearly chewed his own arm off during the Vegas-hotel-room scene.

She is an attractive girlie-girl alright, but I hope they don’t keep her around for too long. They have this tendency to rely on deus ex machina a bit much; having unlimited access to teleportation will just worsen the writing.

That said, I liked her outfit.

Wait a sec- did something happen other than Teleportin’ Alicia being in and out of various states of undress?

I must’ve missed it. Although, come to think of it, I do recall hearing somebody saying something during last night’s episode, but damned if I can remember what it was.

Mmm… half-naked Teleportin’ Alicia. The only girl who could pull me off of Chloe.

Jeez, I’m not going to get any work done today, I can just tell.

[SUB]Although I do recall wondering if we were going to see Clark “gut her like a trout from crotch to sternum”. Thanks for the mental image, Niven.[/SUB]

Nitpick - she said “Jimmy,” but never said his last name. We assume it’s Jimmy Olsen, but that does kind of make Jimmy approximately the same age or older than Clark. Which makes me think it’s not really Jimmy Olsen.

Except she also mentioned his bow-tie. She said: " His name was Jimmy - he was very cute in a bow-tie kind of way." (True, she didn’t say he was wearing a bow-tie, but that’s close enough for me.)

I think the writers were throwing the viewers a fun bone; after all, it’s not likely they’ll ever have to reconcile Jimmy’s age with Chloe’s statement. It doesn’t seem like they’re that big on continuity (or, previous to this show, canon); they just go for the occasional recognizeable Superman reference when it feels cool.

I hadn’t seen an episode in quite a while, and I’m kinda sorry I restarted with this one. Among its other flaws, so masterfully detailed by the Skipster, I couldn’t understand why a red-K-blitzed Clark wouldn’t get annoyed at the seemingly interminable delays before finally getting to (almost) nail Nightcrawler-girl. Heck, I don’t even have superpowers and I was ready to tear her in half like a phone book every time she said she wanted it to be “special”.

For some reason, virginity is being treated like some special precious jewel whose loss except under the most specific circumstances will curse you forever. Yeesh. Did this episode have a Comics Code Authority stamp on it, or something?

I think it would have been better ammunition for the “Don’t have sex in high school” moral if Clark and Teleporta did have sex, and Clark popped her head off. Nothing says “Sex…it’s got some serious consequences” like watching Superman crush his beloved like a tin can in the throws of passion.

Quick question: I haven’t watched any SMallville this seasson, because I have yet to see season 3 and don’t want to spoil myself. Does anyone know at what point in the year season 4 will start re-running? This way, I have a date of when I have to have season 3 DVD’s watched by.

Where you a Buffy fan, by any chance? Sex is bad…because it’s wrong! :smiley:

The bit I couldn’t understand was why Red Cryptonite Clark wanted to get married before doing the nasty. He had a perfectly willing Hot Chick right there in his barn, and instead of boning her like a bluefish, EVIL BAD IRRESPONSIBLE IMPULSIVE JERKISH Red Clark asks her to *marry *him? First?

But my little girlie bits did jump in glee when Clark called her back at the end. I’m such a frickin’ sucker for the Romantic Call-Back. Damn.

I personally hoped that Alicia would replace Lana completely this season, but that was not to be. I’m glad to see her back if just for a couple episodes. Mmmm, wicked hot girl who teleports.

Plot hole: Alicia’s braclet put lead into her system. 1) Wouldn’t that give her cancer eventually. 2) If the lead is in her system wouldn’t it take awhile for her to work it out, even after having the braclet snapped?

I’ve never seen a tin can in the throes of passion before. Looks like I’m gonna have to seduce a can of Campbells tonight to find out.

Actually, I was very, very surprised to hear ol’ Kal-El claim he was still a virgin. I mean, he was living in Metropolis for at least a few months, going to clubs, robbing banks, living in a swank apartment, all while under the influence of The Class Ring From Outer Space- and he never got his superfreak on? Never?

I think he was just lying to Teleporta (good name, Elvis!) so he could get into her pants. “Oh… um… yeah- I’m a virgin, too! snicker

That was my thought, too. Previously when he was (ahem) on da’ red Krypt (yo!), he robbed banks, danced with wanton city women, started fights, didn’t say his prayers, kicked puppies and didn’t cover his mouth when he sneezed. Why would he stop to propose marriage? Why wouldn’t he just go find another hot chick (for a small town in Kansas it sure has a lot of them) and do the corn row can-can with her?

Maybe not cancer, but definitely lead poisoning. That was my thought, too, but I assumed we were supposed to think she had some sort of immunity to the conventional lead problems because she was all super-powered and stuff. Or maybe the garters she wore underneath her clothing was imbued with anti-lead poisoning properties.

Under normal circumstances, I would kill a man for ripping my wedding dress. I changed my mind this week. :slight_smile:

I am beginning to believe that we may be the same person.

The problem I have is this: if you were Clark Kent, and someone–especially someone who knew both your strengths and weaknesses–handed you anything with red or green beads on it, would you put it on???

And I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again–probably many times: Red Kryptonite Clark is uberhot.

Thank you, that is all. :wink:

I think you may be onto something there. Next time I’m visiting my folks in Jersey, whatsay we do coffee?

snigger What if we get our hands on some green AND red kryptonite and make millefiori beads out of them? We’ll have an uberhot Clark who’s weak in the knees for us! :smiley:

Absolutely! We can talk about pagan rituals and hot Kryptonians … it’ll be fabulous. :slight_smile:

I knew there was something about WhyNot that I liked. Does that mean we’re Wonder Triplets now?

Or, you two can be the Wonder Twins, I’ll be Gleek.

Using my super powers of memory, I vaguely recall a short story or essay on what would happen if Soop were to boff our friend Lois. In a nutshell, the force of the ejaculation would simply go right through Lois and blow her head off. So maybe that’s why Clark thinks he is always going to be alone, and his Mom keeps saying maybe someday, somewhere, somehow he will find someone. But (Lois/Chloe/Teleporta/whoever) isn’t it. Yeah right.

As for the virginity sermonette, it is typically Hollywood. The are all supposed to be 17-18 year old high school seniors I guess. Let’s review class.

Chloe did it, but regrets it - sort of. She probably was about 17. As far as she is concerned - no big deal.

Lana hasn’t done it, but now is ready to, and to me at least, she seems to want to use it as a way to get someone to commit. This is a good idea? (On the other hand, since Lana does not show up in the adult Superman’s life, I guess they have to get rid of her somehow. This could be it.)

Clark and Teleporta almost do it, but first they get married - got to keep those red states happy - then Clark comes to his senses. So the ones who want to do the traditional thing are either crazy like Teleporta, or evil or evil influenced like Clark.

This sexual tension is driving them all nuts. To hell with them. My advice to Clark: tell Lana everything, screw her, and see what happens. If she survives the act, great, you two were cosmic mates. If not, well, no big loss- as I mentioned above, Lana never did show up as an adult. If you feel the urge a second time, there is always Chloe. She never showed up as an adult either. Maybe after you pass this stage, you can recognize the one true partner in life, your one true love - Lex. (plus he has money!)