I would just like to state, for the record, that there was no flying in last night’s show. In previous threads I have faithfully whined about the lack of levitation, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. So, this week, I said a prayer to Hydrogen, the Greek god of getting high. (This post brought to you by the Hindenburg, Inc.)
“Please, Hydro-baby,” I pleaded, “let this be a very special episode of Smallville!”
And lo, it was. Very special. So special, in fact, that we even got a special message after it was specially done. But here, let me recap the episode:
[li]The show opens with Clark being propositioned by two nubile young ladies for a threeway. “I’ve got to do homework,” Clark said.[/li]
“But we’re naked,” the girls said in unison.
“Join us, Clarky-poo.”
“What, you’re into scat, too? I’m Superman/boy/weenie, but doo-doo scares me!”
“Right. No. We’re naked, OK? Let’s get it on.” They pouted. It’s impossible to resist THE POUT. Somehow, however, Clark does. The girls go away, and Clark runs (not fly) to his mom.
“Mom, I saw a girl! Tee-hee!” (I think this is what happened; I dunno. I was busy making a peanut-butter and jell-A sandwhich. But it probably happened, so that’s alright.)
[li]Then we cut away to that teleportation psycho girl from a previous episode. According to the scene, she was released from her psycho hospital. “Free at last, free at last, free at last!” And then she turned into a toad. (She didn’t, but it would have been cool. Toads are funny.)[/li][li]Telepor-psycho girl shows up at Clark’s secret hideout: his barn.[/li][li]“Clark, I love you. And I’m better, right? I know all of your secrets and I told no one. NO ONE! Let’s date.”[/li][li]“No, babe, you tried to kill me the last time. And you tried to kill Lana. So, no.”[/li][li]“But, Clark, why are you telling me no?”[/li][li]“Mostly because you didn’t kill Lana. Thanks to you, she got to act evil in another episode a few months back. That should have never happened.”[/li][li]“What if I pout?”[/li][li]Strangely enough, that worked this time.[/li][li]Clark then has to tell his mom and pop that Telepor-psycho chick and he are dating.[/li][li]“Bad Clark, Bad! She tried to kill you. Duh!” said Clark’s mom, who’s no dummy.[/li][li]“Clark, I am your father, and I say you have to stop this foolishness right now!” But he also winked at Clark, which means he was just joshin’ Clark. Or had cancer of the eyelid. Whatever.[/li][li]Clark, however, stayed true to his values: “No!” (They’re short values.)[/li][li]So, they date. Once. At an ice-skating rink.[/li][li]In the meantime, Lana is trying to figure out why her ex-boyfriend went all “I wanna not be with you.” She assumes, eventually, it’s because she’s not putting out. She’s probably right, but the writers tried to tell us something else. I dunno what it was, because I was meditating on how a world could be so evil as to not let Lana put out. That’s just wrong.[/li][li]Telepor-psycho girl and Buns of Steel Boy are back at his place. She tricks him into wearing some red Kryptonite. “I’m evil! A-ha! Let’s get it on!” (But they don’t, mind you, because they need to fire the writers. Oh, sure, you get a few quick glances at the tops of her perky boobies; and you get to see her wearing garters and straps, but they don’t get it on.)[/li][li]They almost get it on (there was a sidetrip to Vegas–seriously this time–for a quickie marriage), but she decided to take his red Kryptonite away. “Oh, no! I’m not evil anymore! I wish Bob Dole were here with some Viagra…”[/li][li]While this was going on, Lana’s ex turns down an offer of sexy-sexiness with Lana (who’s dressed solely in a man’s button-down–without the man) because he’s stupid and for some other reason. Again, who cares? He’s just stupid.[/li][li]Um, and then, I think, everything was resolved (although the telepor-psycho girl got shot by her doctor from the psycho hospital because he was jealous and stuff–but she lived). Except the semi-last part where Clark’s mom lectures him on getting illegally hitched because marriage is sacred or something. Personally, I think she wants to get it on with him. Just once.[/li][li]The last-last part was the ABC After School message they had Chlo(i)e give. “Please don’t have sex in high school. Be sure to wait for college and a frat boy; or a sorority girl who lookin’ for some petty revenge against her frat boy. Please.”[/li][/ul]
Which is MY big beef with last night’s episode. Here’s what I would have said had I been the one staring out the tube and into the millions of trusting teenage eyes in the tens of living rooms across the country:
“Kids, this is SuperSkip. High school is for sex, don’t fool yourself. Have lots of it. Please don’t pay attention to the show’s previous smarmy message. I had sex in high school, and it was fun. Better than an after-school job, I tell ya’. Why wait if you don’t have to? Sex, sex, sex. The end.”