Siege, I read your posts regularly and it’s obvious you’re still very upset by what happened in your childhood. Your depression seems like it comes and goes (as does mine). I was just wondering if you’ve forgiven your tormentors. I know you credit your faith for getting you through hard times in your life, but have you actually forgiven the bullies on a human level? You might find that you start to feel better if you can learn to let go of the anger. You might be surprised to find that your tormentors feel guilty and remorseful for treating you so bad.
I felt guilty for picking on a kid in jr. high. I apologized to her a few years ago (nearly 40 years after the offense). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…to go to a person and apologize for being a complete asshole as a human being. But it was the right thing to do and the only choice I had to try to forgive myself. To my surprise, she had forgotten about it long ago. She had let go of the anger years before and was fine with herself and her life, while there I was, dragging guilt around with me when I could have released it if I had the guts to admit to her what an asshole I was. She and I are now good friends. I was glad to find out she suffered so much less than I did.