Hey, it’s @Left_Hand_of_Dorkness’s joke! I just happened to know the punchline.
I’m sorry to admit that I had to read that twice, and say it out loud before I got it.
Do I have to resign from Dope now?
Last time my wife needed something notarized, she signed the document, then she quickly signed the register. The genius said she couldn’t notarize the doc because the sigs didn’t match. As if THAT was her job - to ensure that the signature in the bank’s register matched the sig being notarized! 
One reason we chose our current bank was the physical convenience of branches for our banking needs. If the local Shittybank is where the OP finds themself doing much of their business, perhaps that is where they ought to have their account(s).
I figured either someone would supply the punchline, or someone would say, “What the hell are you talking about?” and I’d give it, and either way, terrible pun successfully inflicted.
As in hockey, sometimes the assist is the crucial part of the play.
Absolutely, and @Alessan nailed it. Virtual high five!
[Slap!]
Tangentially related to the OP:
I have an account at a regional bank, and went in a few months back to convert a jar of loose change into bills. I was told a) it would take about a week, because they don’t do that at the bank – they send it off to a processing center, and b) it would cost me (I think) $5 for the service.
I was flabbergasted. I understand paying a surcharge for those Coinstar change-sorting and -counting machines at grocery stores – I don’t like it, but I understand it. But for my bank to charge me a fee to convert one form of money into another form of money (and to take a week to do it) seemed excessive.
I went home and rolled the coins myself, then deposited them the next day.
Note that there is no fee at Coinstar if you take an Amazon or other retailers’ gift cards instead of cash.
Any decent laundromat has change machines. Go in, stick a ten dollar bill in the machine, and you’ll get quarters back. They’ll be loose, though, and not neatly wrapped.
Somebody on a Reddit answered a comparable question thusly:
All money going in or out has to be tracked now. It’s annoying as hell for you and the bank.
The implication being: they can’t track transactions that aren’t tied to an account number.
Sounds like a pretty legit explanation, actually, although I can’t swear to its veracity, validity, verisimilitude, nor voluptuousness*.
* That last one was purely gratuitous
In my experience laundromats expect that those using their change machines use the quarters in their machines. In other words they don’t want to be the source of quarters for non-customers.
My over/under on “How many posts before someone shares links to Jim Downey overexplaining how many ways you can make change for a $20” was 9, and I was not disappointed.
I love Jim Downey, same guy with the “Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it” speech from Billy Madison.
No worries. That’s why ‘whoosh’ was invented.
So does mine. Except it’s easy, because one of the tellers, the assistant manager, and the manager are all notaries. I’ve never made an appointment, but I’ve also never had to wait for notary services.
It’s a tiny local mutual bank, and it’s behind the times on electronic services. But they are great for in-person services.
Seems to be common practice these days. A teller at WF gave me the same static.
Speaking of change…
My credit union routinely gives out $100 bills from the ATM when you withdraw cash. Do you know how hard it can be to spend a $100 bill? Fortunately, this credit union also has “virtual tellers,” so the procedure is:
- Withdraw cash from ATM.
- See $100 bills in the cash.
- Swear.
- Ring “virtual teller,” and deposit the $100 bills back into my account, then have “virtual teller” give me smaller bills in the amount I deposited.
- Depart.
Yes, I have realized that I should just do the withdrawal through the teller in the first place, but that shouldn’t be necessary. Hell, Bank of America has ATMs where you can choose the denominations you receive in your withdrawal. The technology exists.
Not earthshaking, but still annoying.
Bank of Montreal offers $5, $10, $20, or $50 bills from their ATMs.
I spell it Shitibank.
And bummer on the lack of quarters / coin machine in the laundry. Especially these days, where nobody uses cash / coins nearly as much, so you no longer have random change you can toss in a bowl at the end of the day like we all used to do for just such a purpose.
That is sooooo annoying! I was pissed when the ATMs started routinely giving out 50s, a few years ago. You can sometimes game it, a little, by requesting a withdrawal amount that requires only 20s, or at least SOME 20s - e.g 60 or 80 bucks, or even 90 (you’ll get a 50 and 2 20s in that case).
Our main account is at an inconveniently-located credit union. We have a smallish account at one that is a mile away from home - and there’s no fee to use their ATM because both are credit unions. That one too has started with the 50s whenever possible. We now go inside to the teller, write a deposit from our “main” checking account, and make a withdrawal from our account at the local credit union. Net effect on our account there, zero. And we can specify the denominations we want.
It’d be a shame if there was a raft of thieves breaking in and stealing the money boxes, wouldn’t it?
Naaaaah… the landlord might decide to quit providing laundry machines entirely if that happened.
But more seriously, electronic payment would seem to be faster and far more secure.