I was out with my BF last night, and a guy drives by on the most awesome customized motorcycle I have even seen. BF notices my eyes twinkling. I notice his rolling, and then without further provocation he states “Don’t even start!” Now, we’ve had this conservation several times before, so I know how he feels about motorcycles. His best friend from high school was killed on one, and my BF unfortunately got more than an eyeful of a particularly gruesome accident scene. As a result, he wants nothing to do with them and says that he couldn’t handle being in a relationship with someone who rode one, or in his words ‘buy one, and I am outta here!’ Now, I am not absolutely dying to get a bike, but I don’t like the idea that it will end our relationship if I do. For the record, neither of us are jerks (at least I don’t think so), and this is the only thing that he has ever had such strong feelings about. My question is whether this is something that I accept as part of relationship with a great guy, and just leave it alone; or make it an issue for no other reason than he gave me an ultimatum? Or, am I being a total jerk for even thinking twice about it?
It sounds to me like the guy is being honest, that he has strong feelings about this, and with good reason. In this particular case, since you aren’t that enthusiastic about getting a bike, I’d think it’s okay to go along.
Now, if my SO tried to lay some arbitrary rule on me, I’d try to find out why, first of all. I have some “dealbreaker issues” myself. If I got one tiny whiff that he was just trying to exercise some control over me, I’d be doing the forbidden thing so fast his head would spin.
I’d say, do what makes YOU happy! Controlling men usually go on to be abusers later on. If he really loves you, he’d respect your wishes regardless of whether he agrees with them or not. If you have the money yourself, I’d go on and buy it. I’ve got a feeling that the bike will be around alot longer than he will.
Actually, he’s not the least bit controlling, and I can’t imagine him being abusive. If either were the case, this would be a moot point, because I wouldn’t be with him. And, for the record, we’re both guys
Acting on the bolded material, in my opinion, is a sign of immaturity. I could see if his attitude was one of 'no bitch of mine ain’t gonna ride no bike. But it’s not and I think the distiction is important. It seems it would worry this man to death, if you’ll excuse the hyperbole, and that’s something with which he cannot deal.
By the way, Starguard, it has been my experience that people who begin sentences with ‘If you really love me…’ are people who have a whole hell of a lot of growing up to do, emotinally speaking.
Forbid? My reaction would be hysterical laughter, as when we were watching some old movie (I think it was the MST3K Screaming Skull) and the Manly Man told the Little Woman, “I forbid you to do suchandsuch!” But neither of us have things we really feel strongly about, as far as I know.
He loves you and doesn’t want you to wind up like his friend. Frankly, I find that sweet. I think everyone is allowed one ‘forbid’ in a relationship. So that’s his. You can pick one and you’re even.
No, really, since you are not that desperate to get a bike, and since he has strong (and valid) feelings about it, getting one would just be a sign of selfishness and immaturity. Don’t do it just to spite him. It seems like it means a lot more to him than to you. Save the fights for the stuff you REALLY care about.
Everyone, as individuals, is allowed to set reasonable standards of what they will and won’t accept in a relationship.
examples of “reasonable”:
I won’t go see that scary movie with you, why don’t you take [your best friend who like scary movies].
I know your job at Burger King doesn’t pay much, and being a stripper would pay better, but I can’t handle the thought of other men looking at you naked.
I am frightened by the thought of you being in an accident. If you went riding on a motorcycle, the worry would be more than I could take.
This is called being assertive. It’s different from being aggressive because you aren’t telling the other person what to do, you are telling them how their actions affect you.
Funny, when I read the thread title I thought “motorcycle”. My gf discovered my half-assed desire to get a bike and really kind of freaked out about it. I teased her for a bit but then gave up when it became apparent that it was a sticky issue for her. She did issue an ultimatum of sorts, although my feeling is that it wouldn’t be “enforced”.
I don’t know that I would rule anything out based on the opinion of another person. But it is part of being in a relationship to realize that you mean a lot to the other person, and concerns for your safety are perfectly legitimate and kind of sweet. Conversely, disregarding those concerns can be insensitive.
He doesn’t say such things because he knows I’ll do it if I have it in my head to do so.
I would also love to get another motorcycle (I had on in my younger days). But FOR MYSELF, I won’t get one because I’ve had a few friends die and/or get seriously hurt on them, and now that I have kids I’d like for them to have their mother around. However, if I did not feel like that, I’m sure he’d say not to–but he’d never give me an ultimatum like that.
When I hear of people making ultimatums like that, I think controlling and/or immature–but then again, it depends on the situation. If someone threatened to leave someone because of abuse or substance abuse (“Hit me again and I’m gone!” or “It’s the drugs or me”) then I find that understandable. I’m sure he said it because he just doesn’t want to lose you–just in case.
My husband won’t let me bet. The last time I bet my daughter $100 that an ambulance was at Chipotle because the guys were hungry. But they were there because of a heart attack or something. Of course the bet was bogus, but my husband actually subtracted $100 from the amount she owed us for her class ring or whatever it was.
He says I am not allowed to bet more than $5 per day.
I can’t remember DangerDad ever ‘forbidding’ me anything. Well, except when I was pregnant with DangerBaby (happy birthday to her, btw! One year old today!), and said I’d like to try a VBAC if I went into labor 3 weeks early. Which was not really at all likely. And his reaction was “no way are you trying to have this baby naturally!” Which, all things considered, wasn’t really an unreasonable reaction. Either way I never got a chance to try it and had the baby as scheduled.
I think in this case it’s a reasonable thing for him to be freaked out about. Just too many scary memories there… Kind of the same way I am about whitewater rafting. I just have this weird thing about it because of events that happened, and would hate hate hate it if DangerDad wanted to do it. But he’s the last person to want to, so that’s OK.
Considering it almost never, ever happens, when it does I respect his opinion and don’t do whatever it is he doesn’t want me to do. He shows me the same courtesy whenever I have strong feelings against him doing something so it works well for us.
The word “forbid” is not really in our vocabulary. The closest we got was when my job offered bib overalls as an alternative to coveralls. Mrs. Nott said she would not be seen in public with me in bib overalls. That limited my options, so I stuck with the coveralls (jumpsuits, I believe, in the UK.) No big deal. She’s a farm-boy’s daughter, so I guess that’s part of it.
I don’t think he’s being controlling. You’ve had a discussion about it, he has a valid reason for not wanting you to have a bike, it’s not an overriding passion of yours… he’s being honest about how he feels.
Controlling would be: You can’t have a motorcycle because I said so. No, you aren’t allowed to drive either. Stay at home all the time and wait for me.
