To be perfectly honest, an ultimatum like that would go over about like an orgy at church. If he was willing to compromise in any way, it would be different. You can work out damn near anything if everybody’s willing to at least look at ways they can bend a little. If the boyfriend was willing to, say, get some counseling to work through issues leftover from his friend’s death, or agree to hate it but accept it as part of being in a relationship with a great guy, or to at least make some kind of effort to try to give you something you want, I’d say sit down and shut up about it. But he’s not. He’s not even willing to talk about it, other than to say if you indulge this interest he’s leaving you. Period, end of discussion, who gives a flying fuck what you think about it.
His understandable but wholly irrational loathing of motorcycles is depriving you of something you would enjoy, and he doesn’t seem to care. That is the problem here, not the damn bike. He’s in essence saying that leaving his phobia intact is more important to him than your happiness or the relationship, and that’s got to hurt. It’s got to hurt a lot. I don’t blame you at all for wanting to get one just to push the issue.
Now, if he’d said “Look, you know how I feel about motorcycles, and why I feel that way. I’m not going to like it if you get one, and it’ll worry me sick, but I’m not going to try to stop you,” and you went running right out to get one, you’d be a first-class butthead. Same if he’d said he was willing to get counseling to see if maybe he could get over some of it, and then you could revisit the issue later. This whole “my way or else” stuff, though; that’s horseshit, and it’s a rare relationship that can survive much of it.
If you do get a bike, make sure you carry an organ donor card. In these days of heavy traffic, riding a motorbike is simply dangerous. I used to do a lot of work for the local fire brigade and as a result I’ve seen the results of too many accidents.
<slight hijack>
At the very least wear a helmet and protective gear.
Am I the only one who gets the absolute willies looking at an underprotected biker? Especially the ones who insist on doing 95 mph through rush hour traffic. Man the thought of witnessing their last wipeout is almost unbearable to me.
</hijack>
As far as the OP, I’d say to give the guy a little slack. His fear and loathing of bikes might be irrational, and even unreasonable, but he is human after all. And he cares about you Always something to be said for that.
If you’re in a serious accident you may well as not bother, but protective gear will protect you from minor risks - like flying stones which are a fair facsimile for bullets.
Setting boundaries is healthy in a relationship. He is not forbiding you to get a motorcycle. He is telling you what he will do if you exercise your right to get one. He has every right to do that. You have right to get the motorcycle and he has a right to choose not to be in a relationship with a woman who rides one.
Ultimatums are not unfair. Why are you wanting to control his ability to tell you what he can and can’t live with? If you can’t live with ultimatums – both spoken and unspoken – then you can choose to bow out. Or if the motorcycle is more important to you than a relationship with him, then it is certainly your right to opt out.
OK, the right gear is not a guarantee that you will survive a serious accident, but they definitely increase your chances. My father has had a motorcycle most of his life. When he was stationed in the Phillipines, he was in a very serious accident - a coil of rope tied to a truck behind which he was riding uncoiled, and basically wrapped around his neck. Yanked him from his bike (on which my step mother was a passenger) and dragged him for quite some distance before the driver realized what was happening. Were it not for the fact that a couple of sailors came by and performed an emergency tracheotomy right there on the side of the road, he would not be here today. But if he hadn’t been wearing the helmet and his leathers, he wouldn’t have needed the trach in the first place; he’d have been dead.
We talked about this again last night. He still feels the same way, but I think I understand a little better. Basically, this is a huge deal for him (which I knew). He knows that he is not being rational. He did go through some counseling when he was still in high school, but I know that he still has trouble with it. When he goes home to visit, he still avoids driving down the street where it happened unless absolutely necessary. So, he does realize that he still needs some help to get over it or at least deal with it better. On the other hand, he feels that getting a bike is not a major deal for me. If I needed one for a job or something (I wish) that might be different, but since I don’t, he should be allowed to deal with the issue when he’s ready, and he isn’t ready now. It’s been about five years. So, yeah, he has some major issues surrounding this guy’s death. Probably many have nothing to do with the bike or even the actual accident. And, as much I don’t like the idea of this being a deal breaker; I am giving him this one.
He hasn’t done it yet, so I don’t know how I’d react. The closest we’ve ever come is “I would really prefer it if you didn’t get a tattoo.” Since I’m a wuss, I have no problem with not getting one, but it’s still fun to torture him with the idea.
One of my best friends, however, experienced a break-up that hinged on this very subject. She wanted to go motorcycle-riding with a male friend of hers, and he said he couldn’t deal with it, for a variety of reasons. The guy was an ex of hers, motorcycle riding is inherently fairly intimate, and we’d just had someone we know get into a pretty bad wreck (my future father-in-law, actually; he got thrown about 50 feet without a helmet and managed to get out of it (relatively) okay, in that he wasn’t dead. Additionaly, she and the other guy, who she later went out with, refused to wear helmets.
The forbidding was, from what I saw, a major point on their breaking up. As soon as he said he’d rather not have her do that, she started doing it even more. One thing led to another, and it was pretty ugly.
Basically, so long as both parties handle it maturely, it can be dealt with.
TellMeI’mNotCrazy- I get the same feeling, but what really weirds me out is unprotected elbows. For some reason, whenever I see a motorcyclist with bare elbows, ven if they’re wearing a helmet, I just get a quick flash of them wiping out and being okay aside from ground off elbow flesh. shudder
I gave The Cody a choice kind of like the one in the OP. I’m a worrier. I try to control it, but if he’s more than 30 minutes late from work, I’m sick. Anyway, he wants to skydive. Whenever he brings it up, I get quesy. So I say No Way Jose.
It’s not a, “You can’t do this because I say so.” It’s more, “Would the fun you have outweigh the horror I’d be going through?” It’s really the only thing I say no to. Well, that and drinking more than 2 nights a week, since he has a lot of alcoholism in the family.
But I think we all have something that we really, really don’t want our partner to do. Don’t know if it’s true, but I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have that one major Big No No.
Me buying a motorbike ended my first marriage. It was the Triumph that broke the camel’s back. I knew she didn’t like the idea of bike riding (she’s a nurse) and me buying one was typical of my impulsiveness. After riding one for a while I could see her point of view - it’s is certainly riskier than any other way of getting around. I would be horrified if either of my sons wanted one now.
Being unwilling to accept your partner’s risky behaviours is perfectly acceptable. I would find it just as impossible to sustain a relationship with someone who wanted to abuse themself as if they wanted to abuse me. If my perception of self risk was wrong - they wanted to race the bike or ride off road; then just correct my misperception and all will be well.
Relationships always involve negotiation and compromise. Some issues can be worked through, and some can’t. Everybody has “deal-breakers” in relationships. Why should those be acceptable when considering entering a relationship but not when already in one? The OP isn’t talking about his partner being controlling in little things, nor trying to change his personality, but rather an issue that is a perfectly understandable Big Thing for him.
My husband and I don’t believe in “forbidding” one another to do things–after all, we’re both adults and make our own decisions about how to act–but we do talk to each other about things that bother us. We each take into account how the other feels about certain things in making those decisions. We also both have “deal-breaker” things that fortunately weren’t a problem for either of us. It’s a matter of deciding how important a particular issue is to each of you, and whether you are willing to live with the outcome if your partner isn’t willing to change that thing.
If I didn’t like his cat, he would have been perfectly willing to find a new home for Scooter, but had I been a user of hard illegal drugs, we wouldn’t be married today. I was a little unsure about his having a gun, and he was willing to get rid of it if I didn’t want it around. I was willing to consider keeping it, and once we went to the range–and he insisted I know how to shoot it if it was going to stay in our house–I got comfortable with it, and actually enjoy shooting now.
jmpride62, it sounds like you and your BF have worked this one through, at least for now, which I’m glad to hear.
The way I read it this isn’t about anyone forbidding anything. This guy was traumatised by this incedent. It’s not like he just plain take a cotton to those infernal motorscootin thangs. They plain freak him out.
If he had ptsd (combat fatigue) i’m sure you wouldn’t go around setting off firecrackers. No matter how much fun they are.
Who knows maybe in a few years he can start to overcome his fears and if not ride himself at least not be ill at the thought of you riding one.
WTF, this is not a control issue, what have you… never mind
He stated a deal breaker issue honestly and I assume pretty early. This is in no way (by itself) controlling. Now if you wish to take up riding you should tell him and let both of you get on with your lives. It doesn’t seem you are at the point where it is your place to ask him to get help on a issue.
Huh. Interesting the number of folks who’ve had the motorcycle vs. relationship discussion.
My ex-GF and I went though this, and it initiated quite the argument that lasted for a month. I expressed interest in learning to ride, and she was dead set against it. She was hospitalized as a result of a severe auto accident when she was young, and saw the results of many motorcycle accidents while she was in ICU and physical therapy. She didn’t want to watch me suffer what she saw them enduring.
I tried to end the whole thing by agreeing to not get a motorcycle, but it kept popping up in arguments anyway. We finally broke up for a multitude of reasons.
This weekend I completed my motorcycle training course. Woo-hoo!
Every relationship has its negotiations, as someone wiser & quicker than I pointed out. I have no problem negotiating.
That said, it’s unwise and rash of someone to use the “forbid” and “ultimatum” phraseology. It’s immature of them to do it – surely, sitting down and attempting to explain and hopefully, negotiate – is obviously better. Your boyfriend at least did the explaining part.
And ultimatums – “You do this or else I’m leaving!” often just backfires on the ultimatum giver. It puts you both back in, oh, about third grade, where you feel like daring him and doing it just because he said you couldn’t. (Whether you actually give in to your own immature urge, though, is a different matter. ) And if you go ahead & do the thing, he’s left either backpedalling – leading to resentment and anger on his part, probably – or carrying through on the threat. Either way someone is unhappy, typically both people. If you abide by his wishes, you’ll probably always think wistfully: if I’d only gotten the bike. Human nature.
The upshot: Negotiation, even on issues that seem fairly inflexible at first, is often a very good idea. Ultimatums and forbidding, even when not meant as controlling, often turn out that way and make everyone miserable.
Always something to be said for that.
) And if you go ahead & do the thing, he’s left either backpedalling – leading to resentment and anger on his part, probably – or carrying through on the threat. Either way someone is unhappy, typically both people. If you abide by his wishes, you’ll probably always think wistfully: if I’d only gotten the bike. Human nature.