So, how do you react when your SO forbids you to do something?

[RickJay]

@GingerOfTheNorth

Dave would not ever forbid me to do anything. We have an equal partnership.

I’m not sure that’s true, though.

Being the picky auditor guy I am, I think this entire discussion comes down to what you mean by “Dave would not ever forbid me.” Actually, I suspect Dave forbids you from doing many things by implied consent, and vice versa. My wife and I are the same way, I think, as you; we never yell and hardly ever argue, and I don’t recall either one of us ever telling the other “You may not do X.” But there are, obviously, some things I “forbid” her from doing by unspoken agreement:

• Sleeping with other men
• Gambling away our car and our house
• Skinning and cooking the cats

Okay, #3 is a little silly, but #1 is very important and #2 is, too, as well as any number of associated behaviours that would destroy us financially - for instance, I would be irate if she were to quit her job and lay around the house doing nothing. And vice versa.

Those things don’t need to be discussed much in a healthy relationship. The subject in the OP, though, is very specific in nature and is worth discussing (as it seems they have) and I can understand the boyfriend’s position. Saying “I cannot accept you doing something that will cause me tremendous emotional distress” is reasonable.

[Kalhoun]

@Starguard

In my Honest Opinion

I’d say, do what makes YOU happy! Controlling men usually go on to be abusers later on. If he really loves you, he’d respect your wishes regardless of whether he agrees with them or not. If you have the money yourself, I’d go on and buy it. I’ve got a feeling that the bike will be around alot longer than he will.

Well, this is about as knee-jerk as a response can get. This guy is worried about her well-being and you’re calling him a potential abuser? He didn’t say he’d beat her…he said he’d leave her. Get with the program.

My advice is to decide which you want more – the boyfriend or the bike. It doesn’t look like you can have both.

[Shirley_Ujest]

Mr. Ujest and I use to go for rides on his motorcycle.

I hated it.

Hard to hear.
No room to really move.
Can’t really speak to each other.
Can’t read or listen to music. (He did not have a Gold Wing and this was before the in-helmut ear and microphones were perfected.)
Staring at the back of a motorcycle helmut isn’t exactly fun & games for a couple of hours.
And then the paralyzing fear of some asshat who tailgates or cuts you off.

It is a very vunerable feeling.

Even worse when you have to pee and cannot stop because you are in a bad section of town. Not comfortable at all.

There are more lousy car drivers out there than good to excellent motorcyclists. and there are asshat motorbikists, too. Ones that seem bent on winning a Darwin award by riding in a tank top, shorts and sandals. That makes me cringe every time.
.

Then his parents, riders for more than 30 years, had their accident. Someone didn’t see them. T-Boned them. It was an accident, pure and simple. In that flash of an instance, they were in the blindspot of the driver’s car and in the next instant, everything changed.

FIL Ujest is now paralyzed from the nipples down.

MIL Ujest had severe head injuries and her one leg was *severed * below the knee. Bone fragments were on the cement. She was in a foot to midthigh cast for almost a year. Her leg was saved she can predict the weather like nobody’s business with her leg, too. , but you should see the scar, its like an arial view of the grand canyon. She’s suppose to be on SSRI’s ( prozac) for the rest of her life because of the head injuries, but she takes herself off of them periodically and becomes like a weeping 12 year wishy washy girl. ) And the accident happened in 1991.

They weren’t wearing their full leather, but that didn’t change the outcome. If they weren’t wearing their helmuts, the would have died instantly.

We passed the accident scene on the way to the hospital. *That * is a snapshot in my mental scrapbook that I cannot ever delete.

Mr. Ujest sold his bike the next month.

I don’t miss it at all.

If you really want something and your SO has valid opinions ( as he does) you have to make a decision of what is more important.

[Saintly_Loser]

@qts

If you do get a bike, make sure you carry an organ donor card. In these days of heavy traffic, riding a motorbike is simply dangerous. I used to do a lot of work for the local fire brigade and as a result I’ve seen the results of too many accidents.

Do yourself a favour and accede.

Blah blah blah organ donor blah blah murdercycle blah blah blah dangerous. Nonsense.

Speaking as someone who’s ridden just about daily for more than 25 years now without a single injury, ever, I can tell you that motorcycles in and of themselves aren’t all that dangerous. Motorcycles ridden dangerously by inexperienced untrained kids (whether chronologically or emotionally) who don’t wear proper protective gear are indeed dangerous.

I don’t even know how many hundreds of thousands of miles I’ve ridden all over this country and a lot of Europe. And I’ve lost track of how many racetrack hours I’ve put in.

If someone wants a bike, I encourage them to go take the Motorcycle Safety Foundation beginner course, get a good beginner bike and good gear, and ride it for a while. And then take the MSF Experienced Rider Course and ride some more. Then spend a weekend at a track school. Then get on the bike and do a really nice long ride, like one where you dip your front tire in the Pacific at the beginning and in the Atlantic at the end.

And, in answer to the OP, if a SO ever forbid me to do anything, that would be the end of the relationship right then and there. On the other hand, if the SO came to me and said something like “look, this is really a problem for me because [fill in reasons here] and I don’t think I can handle it,” I’d certainly at least be willing to discuss it, and perhaps even forego the behavior in question.

[PunditLisa]

Every person comes with his own set of baggage. Learning to accept, and deal with, that baggage is an integral part of making a relationship work. That is not being a wimp, it is just being sensitive to someone else’s feelings. You may have your own, not entirely rational, hot button issues.

Your SO has strong feelings about this particular issue. Ordinarily he’s level headed and rational. And you sound like you care about him. Don’t be an idiot and introduce what will be a constant source of stress into the relationship if you hope to preserve the relationship.