Being bisexual while in a relationship is a great way to sabotage the relationship. If you’re a heterosexual man who is married to a brunette, do you spend all your time talking about how attractive you also find blondes? The equivalent for bisexuals is what people incapable of intimacy do to make sure they never have to experience it. You can be in a gay relationship sometimes and in a straight relationship at other times, but if you’re with somebody, being “bisexual” is a recipe for trouble.
But who said that a married bisexual spends all of their time thinking of how they’re attracted to the opposite gender? For example, I’m a straight leaning bisexual, so I tend to be more interested in men. I also like dark hair, though I’m occasionally interested in a blonde or a redhead. If I’m with a dark haired man, why would I be yearning for red headed women, to the point of relationship ruin? How could anyone be with anyone if people worked that way?
I suspect that fully hetero or homosexual people just care a lot more about genitals than I do.
Um.. being bisexual is something you are, it’s not something you can stop being, for a relationship or any other reason. You can not act on an attraction, of course, (and choose not to talk about it, which is what you seem to be focussed on) but you can’t choose not to feel it.
I also don’t see how it’s any different from finding other members of the same sex as your partner attractive, while in a relationship- something that basically everyone does. I actually personally suspect most men would prefer to their girlfriends to ogle other women than other men.
OK, “unfaithful” wasn’t the best choice of words. Spineless? Can I call a non-poster “a spineless git” in IMHO? It’s a lousy way to break up with someone. “Yesterday I loved you, today I’ve decided I’m not into women any more” may not be the lamest* version of “it’s not you, it’s me” ever, but it’s got to be a front runner.
- with apologies to the one-legged.
Practicing bisexuality and monogamy at the same time sounds tricky.
<nitpick>
Bowie’s eyes aren’t different colors; the one pupil is permanently dilated after a childhood accident (you can see this very clearly in the linked photo). He has reduced vision in that eye as well.
</nitpick>
No more so than heterosexuality/homosexuality and monogamy. I fail to see any significant difference. You can be attracted to any number of people, you’re committed to one.
One does not ‘practice’ bisexuality, one is bisexual.
I have enjoyed (and probably would again) having sex with women. I am attracted to them. However, I am now married and so whether it was a man or a woman, I am not going to be having sex with them.
I will still look. (I am married, not dead.)
Things have changed - I would guess that in the past, it was easier to say you were “bisexual” than admit you were homosexual…that would explain why you always had a same-sex relationship while off on that business trip. I was always suspect of those who said they were bisexual - to me it was sort of like being an undecided voter who still hadn’t made up their mind between Obama and Romney on Election Day. I don’t deny they are undecided, I just find it odd to be so indecisive.
I did have a long conversation with a bisexual male about this. I said, “Assuming a good looking man and gorgeous woman are both standing naked in front of you - which will you choose?”
He said, “It is sort of like choosing chocolate or vanilla ice cream - mostly I like chocolate, but sometimes I am just in the mood for vanilla.”
As an ice cream fan, he finally put it in terms I could understand.
I should have said engage in bisexual sex and monogamy at the same time. I understand bisexuality as a matter of attraction and not sexual acts.
Since the first involves more than one partner and the second involves only one partner I’d say it’s pretty much impossible by definition. It’s the exact equivalent of saying it’s difficult to enjoy the occasional orgy while staying in a monogamous relationship; ie, a non-starter.
My point is that it must be difficult in some cases for a bisexual person to find fulfillment in a monagamous relationship. Plural marriage has been discussed in other threads, but this is a little different from some Mormon harem. I suppose a group of three could form a faithful relationship with each other. I wonder if this bothers people who are bisexual. Do they have no desire for monogamy? Is a somewhat open, mostly monogamous relationship satisfactory? Would they want a commitment in their extended partnerships? It’s just something I’ve never thought about, or recall being discussed.
No more than a hetero- or homosexual.
Why is ‘you don’t have to fuck everyone you’re attracted to to feel fulfilled’ so much harder for some people to understand when that attraction isn’t restricted to one sex?
Again, this doesn’t make any sense. I’m attracted to many types of women, but I’ve committed to one. What does orientation have to do with fulfillment? You seem to be confused about what bisexuality means.
It’s difficult in some cases for people to find fulfillment in a monogamous relationship, but I’m really not seeing why sexual orientation changes things.
What TriPolar is saying is correct for some bisexuals, as I tried to explain above. I think the other paradigm, which admits monogamy, is much more prevalent, however.
I see what you’re saying. But the OP discussed a situation of changing circumstances, it makes me wonder if bisexuality makes things even more complicated, or if monogamy trumps that somehow. And I realize that’s difficult for almost everyone. Just fighting my own ignorance here, that’s all.
Like others said, though: I’m decidedly straight, and I’m in a monogamous relationship with a brunette. There are other brunettes I also find attractive. And I find some blondes quite attractive. And I find some redheads quite attractive.
So, yeah, (a) do you figure it’s hard for me to find fulfillment with one dark-haired woman when fairer-haired women keep being attractive in front of me? But also (b) do you figure it’d be exactly twice as difficult if I were bisexual? And (c) do you figure I’d have an even easier time if I only found dark-haired women attractive?
It can, and they may well prefer monogamy conceptually.
That’s what really convinced me that this was a real aspect of some people’s innate sexuality, rather than a convenient way to justify getting some on the side. They didn’t ask for it, resisted it, and it caused some real anguish before finding resolution.
Again, one can’t make universal statements, but quite possibly, yes.
The specific people I’m thinking of had committed monogamous relationships with a partner of one gender, which was unsatisfactory at some level despite love and commitment on both sides. When they reconciled themselves and their partners with the specific nature of their orientation, they found a secondary partner of the other gender. The two partners have no direct relationship with each other but are perfectly aware of the terms.
I post on another website that has a board specifically for people who are polyamorous (i.e. they are amenable to having relationships with more than one person at a time; it’s not cheating if it’s done with the full knowledge and cooperation of all parties). You’d be surprised at how many people have a husband AND a wife, at the same time. Both men and women do this, BTW.
I really don’t think it’s any more difficult for bisexuals than it is for straights or gays. Just because you find persons of both genders attractive doesn’t mean you find double the amount of people attractive.
Monogamy is hard, period. Almost everyone who is in a long term monogamous relationship will be attracted to someone else, or many someones, at some point. It comes down to how much you value your current relationship, and willpower.
Personally though I’m about as close to a ‘natural monogamist’ as they come. When I’m in love I am completely focused, emotionally and sexually, on that person. Doesn’t mean I don’t notice other people, or get little crushes sometimes, but temptation is nil.