So how would you feel if you came home to find it remodelled?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Disclaimer first to ward off any would be misunderstandings: I admit this is none of my business and I’m not losing sleep or raising blood pressure over it, it’s just an “eww” thing that I was curious if others shared.

The story:

A friend/co-worker belongs to a large church (not a megachurch but “large reg’lar”) with a very popular assistant pastor. Ass’t. pastor is a paying gig but not enough to support a family in any comfort so the guy has a full time job as does- or did- his wife. The assistant minister and his wife have 6 kids, 5 of whom have been in college at some point during the past few years and 1 who soon will be, which is enough in and of itself to bankrupt many families. Add to this that a couple of years ago the wife was in a terrible car accident, almost died, suffered some brain injury, but after lots of rehab and physical therapy she’s regained most of the use of her legs. However, the lack of her income and the medical bills and the kids in college left them almost destitute and it was only courtesy of a wealthy parishioner co-signing a refinance with them that they didn’t lose their house.

Now, as said, he and his wife are very popular, and because they’ve been through hell the congregation gave them a 10 day getaway to a lakehouse in Tennessee. That wasn’t the real gift however; while they were away, and unbeknownst to the couple, the parishioners redecorated and remodelled their house. This wasn’t just a paint the walls and repaper the bathroom but a full makeover: new living room furniture, new dining room furniture, a completely redone kitchen, every wall repainted, etc… (Because it’s a largeish church they have a long reach so they were able to get a lot of the materials and supplies donated or cheap, there are some interior decorators in the church, and the labor was done by the parishioners.)

Now, it wasn’t a totally blind redecoration: the couple’s children and other family were consulted on their taste and all, and the sentimental items were retained, but most of the furniture (which was old and worn) was discarded and pictures were reframed and the like. It was a very sweet gesture, and a costly one as well (had they paid for it themselves, not that they could, it would have been quite a few thousand dollars). And the church is very proud of it, and by all accounts the couple was thrilled.

That’s why I felt a little bit bad when I heard about it and thought “Ewwwww!” I can’t think of anything more traumatic than coming back and finding my house completely redecorated and remodelled. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to renovate- I’d love new appliances and granite counters and a flat screen and the like of course- but it feels like a major invasion of privacy and personal space. (“It’s not that I’m a jealous man; I just don’t like other people touching my things!”)
Plus I would want to be the person to pick out the furniture and the colors. There are some colors and fabrics that I hate the look and feel of and even my closest friends probably don’t know it- and not because it’s a state secret but it’s never come up in conversation. (I hate brass and glass anythings, leather [or worse, pleather] sofas, most pastels, berber carpet, etc., but I don’t recall having discussed this with them.) So while I’d be incredibly moved if anybody did this for me and I’d certainly ooh and ahh and gush over it, I might also at the same time hate it and go Adrian Monk (or worse, the Dragon judge from Clean House if you’re familiar with that episode) on the inside (“PUT THAT BACK OVER THERE WHERE IT WAS AND WHEEERE’S MY TELEPHONE BOOK!!!”). Their heart was definitely in the right place, no disputing that, but I think that this is a bit too much to do without express consent and cooperation.
So what do you think? Suppose they brought in the Clean House/Queer Eye/Whatever other design shows team while you were gone; would you be ecstatic or apoplectic or somewhere in between? (No biggie, just curious.)

2

The thing here is that there was plenty of research done - in particular other members of the family were consulted - so it was done right.

3

I’m like you. I wouldn’t like it. It would be like someone coming into my closet, getting rid of my entire wardrobe and replacing it with something else, with no regard to how I felt about my clothing in the first place.

4

That’s a tricky one. While the people want nothing more than to be nice and do something good, I agree that it’s not something I’d want and IMO not the way to go about doing it. I think it’s a way of unthinkingly treating the person you wish to help as a child–with the best of intentions, but still not very sensitive.

A while back on one of my message boards there was a woman in a similar situation, actually. She was grateful that so many people wanted to help her in her very difficult circumstances, but she was also frustrated that a lot was being done without her input or approval.

This couple may very well not be totally thrilled–but how do you say that without sounding incredibly ungrateful and rude? They may have just decided to keep their mouths shut and make the best of it.

In such circumstances I believe it’s far better to treat the person you wish to benefit as an adult capable of choosing their own paint colors and furniture. “Look, we have a lot of people who know your circumstances and truly want to help you fix up your house so that it’s in good repair and comfortable for you. Please allow us the honor of helping you out, and we’ll make sure that nothing is done without your approval; we know you need a new kitchen floor, so maybe you could show us what you’d like and we’ll do the work.”

5

That works well. In case Dopers have been planning to redo my house as a surprise, I officially want dangermom to be in charge of it.:wink:

6

That’s evil and cruel! It’s trespassing, vandalism and theft as well.

Typical of *those people.:mad:

( *self righteous do-gooders)

7

If we went on vacation and came back to find the apartment totally redone and pretty much every item in it thrown out, I’d be thrilled. I just can’t bear to do it myself, I always find too many reasons to keep things, even if they go in a box and I don’t look at them for years. My place is way too small to be sentimental.

It’s a tiny place - who wants to volunteer?

8

I would not like it at all. I would understand that the gesture came from the right place, and be humbled that the group thought enough of me to want to give me a better place to live, but … to come into my house and poke through my things, and decide what to get rid of, and decide on decor and colors and fabrics and styles, and poke through my things? No. Just no.

I’ll tell ya, though, church congregations can have very strange ideas about the place where the pastor lives. I have a friend who is a clergyman, and he and his clergyman friends have lots of stories of parishioners having no concept of personal space when it comes to the clergyman’s house. People have no qualms about coming over for a visit and poking around without permission. Opening closets, going into closed rooms, etc. True, most of the stories have to do with actual parish houses that the church owns – there’s this idea that it’s “their” house, not “his/her” house – but I can see the attitude carrying over even if the clergyman owns the house.

9

I would find it an outrage and an invasion of privacy. Please, no one EVER do this for me!

On the other hand, anyone who wants to help me clean house while I am present is welcome to come over. Once the place is clean and organized I’ll worry about new paint and such.

10

It’s kind of like proposing to someone in public at an event. Nice thought, but very bad idea and it puts people on the spot. I wouldn’t like it. It basically says, we think what you have is shit, and we think the shit arranged this way is better for you. F that.

11

I was part of a similar gift for a friend. She was overworked and stressed and had let her house get very, very cluttered. Her closest friends got together and cleaned her house while she was on vacation. She was grateful but admitted later that she felt very conflicted about it. She was happy it was done, but embarrassed that we saw her home like that and that we felt it was something she needed. I was glad to help her out (and she did feel helped) but I admit it’s not something I will ever do again as a surprise. There are just too many opportunities to hurt feelings and too many ways it can go horribly wrong.

I really like Dangermom’s solution. Do it, but involve the family in every way possible.

12

I would wait until all the parishioners were in the church and then I would bar the doors and remodel it with a can of gasoline and a road flare.

This seems like an outrageous and unforgivable violation of my personel space to me.

13

Misplaced, overzealous helpfulness maybe, “evil and cruel” hardly. I agree with the others who would not want this to happen to them, but still feel gratitude. I cannot agree with you PatriotGrrrl and your overgeneralization*.

14

This is a laughable overreaction. Do you actually think any of those folks have evil or cruelty on their minds? They were trying to help. I tend to agree with the OP that I personally would rather be consulted if someone had such a gift in mind for me, but I can’t ascribe evil to them.

15

I would be very upset … I may want my place redecorated, but I can say with 99 % assurance that anybody who did not ask me directly what I wanted would have no idea what I actually want just by going by what I say to people when I visit. Just because I may say something like that brown marble in the powder room looks fabulous with the brass accents does not mean I want marble of any kind in MY bathrooms … Just because I like something in someone elses house does not mean I want it in my house.

Just like I find the Loftcube way freaking cool does not mean I want to live in a hypermodern concept house …

And to come home to find MY furniture gone? want to see someone going truly apeshit? I dont care if it looks like I got it from the roadside during spring clean up, it is MY damned furniture.

16

And anyone who wants to pay my way to the South so I can do it is welcome to. :wink:

I can see why people do this as a surprise–a) people like to put on surprises and b) usually, if you ask someone if you can repaint their house as a gift, they’ll say “Oh no, we’re fine, thanks so much but we don’t need help” even if they do. It’s quite hard to accept service like that (maybe we should change the saying to “'Tis easier to give than to receive”) and doing it as a surprise means you don’t have to talk the person into accepting. But really, I think that just takes away choice and dignity from the recipient. If people thought it through more, they’d realize, but I think they just get swept up in the excitement of preparing such a big surprise gift.

17

I’d be thankful for their good intentions, but I would be creeped out at the idea of people being able to paw through my stuff for 10 days. I’m very easy-going about my living space, so I would probably like whatever they picked out but I don’t know if would ever be able to admire my nice new couch without thinking about someone flipping through my journals, opening my underwear drawer and looking through the medicine cabinet.

18

I would hate it, but here’s the thing: my friends and family know me well enough to know that I would hate it. So, I’m hoping in this case, since family was consulted, that the family knew it would be OK. I could re-do my mom’s house in a way she’d love, but I also know she wouldn’t be comfortable with near-strangers rummaging through her stuff and that she’d prefer to be part of the process.

I do think this particular situation is maybe a little different, though, since the family was in really difficult financial times and the adult kids supervised. It doesn’t sound too bad to me.

19

Today my neighbor mowed my front lawn, without asking if I would like the help. It needed it, and I appreciate it, but it kinda upset me a little bit.

20

I think it’s possible to know someone well enough to know they’d like it. I hope that was the case here.

Since you mentioned the refinance it doesn’t sound like it, but is there a chance that this was a church-owned parsonage? Or became church-owned with the refinance? Because that sort of changes things. At that point maintenance becomes the responsibility of the congregation. The family, broke as they are, really aren’t going to take on fixing up what is essentially a rental property if it’s a parsonage.

My first reaction is that I wouldn’t like it for myself, but upon reflection, I think I could deal. The truth is I want nothing to do with home remodeling work myself, and really have minimal say in what my home looks like now. The furniture is almost all my husband’s from before we married, and the house was built on spec. So, have at it. I think we’ll be on vacation in July.