So I found out my grandad died, a year and a half ago

Me and my brother, found out through an ancestry website, that my Grandfather died around Christmas 2017, and my father didn’t tell us, and didn’t confirm it until I asked him about it. His excuse was that my grandfather didn’t want us at the funeral because we didn’t bother with him.

Now a bit of background here, my grandma died in 2011, and my father told us, but didn’t want his brother to come to the funeral, we all got mad at him for that, because it’s not his decision to freeze somebody out just because he doesn’t like them, so me and my brothers theory is that he didn’t tell anyone this time round because he didn’t want his brother to know. Well he knows now since I’ve told him.

So I don’t understand his mindset, the same time his father died, I reconciled with him after a long time not speaking to him, and when I confronted him about it, he blocked me. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my brother at all.

Family dynamics can be weird. My mom’s brother cut off all contact with her because he thought she was stealing from their father’s estate - even tho she offered to show him all the accounts (they had a mentally disabled sister whose care came out of the estate.) When the sister died and my mom sent him his share of the remaining estate, they reconciled. Sorta.

They had another brother who had been hospitalized since the 70s. When he died, my uncle buried him without telling my mom. She found out several months after the fact - we have no idea why he didn’t tell her. Then when he knew he was dying, he told his daughter that he didn’t want a funeral or anything, and Mom found out about his death on Facebook.

Yeah, families can be weird.

I didn’t find out my father’s mother died until the Christmas card we sent came back marked “deceased.” When I asked my father what happened, he explained that between my wife giving birth to twins and my mother going through the first of her several near-fatal events while fighting cancer, he felt that I was, “juggling a lot of plates already.”

Mind you, ten years earlier, when my mother went in for removal and biopsy of a lump, neither of of my parents told their kids until after the biopsy came back negative because they didn’t want to worry us when there wasn’t anything we could do. And I (and my siblings) got along well with my parents.

So your father didn’t want to tell his brother that their father died, and you told him instead. Sounds like you and your father are about even in the spite department.

No I’m not. He deserves to know his own dad died, it’s like me not telling my brother, it’s a disgrace.

My father did it out of spite, and kept it from me, my brother and his own brother for over a year, and yet I’m spiteful?

So the OP’s father has a monopoly on sharing close family information? To the point of keeping the OP’s uncle in the dark about his own father’s death?

The OP’s father may be spiteful. The OP sounds like a caring person who wants to let his uncle know about the death of his own father. That doesn’t meet any definition of “spite” in my book.

If the OP was so interested in his Grandfather’s well-being, maybe he could have, you know, contacted him personally once in awhile.

My aunt didn’t want to tell anybody that Grandma had died, then got mad nobody attended the burial. Mom was having necessary surgery 500km away, the Bros stayed by her side, I was 1200km away, the rest of the family hadn’t heard about it by Aunt’s wishes.

People is weird.

This is just so sad. I feel bad for you, OP. I have no advice for you. Except maybe you and your brother have some kinda little service. Light a candle, share a drink over your granddad.

That’s not always possible. But hey, you win the “talking out of your ass” prize, congratulations.

My dad is very strange about sharing difficult information with my sister and me. He won’t talk to us when he sees us. He won’t call us. He’ll write us a letter. Now, when we see a letter from him, we assume that someone has died, or has cancer, or fell down a well.

People be weird.