Personal favourite of mine that is unlikely to give too much offence is numpty. Best used when someone makes a gaff: “Oh you numpty.”
In rising levels of insult:
Dick
Dickhead
Cock
Prick
Oh, and in similar use to numpty and at least as good is “fuckwit”
Good way to wind up Scots, Welsh, Irish is to refer to them as being English. Refer to the UK as being England. Then refuse to be corrected on it.
Referring to America bailing out Britian in WWII is likely to start WWIII
Praising Margaret Thatcher also winds up some left winger.
Er, while the multicultural value of this thread is nice, I think it belongs in IMHO.
‘Slag off’ describes the action of insulting someone - it doesn’t sound right to tell someone to ‘slag off’ in the same way as asking them to ‘fuck off’ does. Calling someone a Slag is correct though - despite properly referring to a promiscuous female it can be used universally.
By the way, can anyone from the UK explain this quote from Sexy Beast? Jam-rag I understand, but the rest? Is Dr. White a brand name of tampons? I would probably think it is even funnier if I knew what the hell it meant!
“You’re the fucking problem you fucking Dr White honkin’ jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble!”
Bold letters. . .
1776! 1776!
For some in-context modern English obscenity, you can read I, Lucifer, by Glen Duncan. It’s one of the best novels I’ve read in recent years and apropros to the OP.
I don’t get it. Is it racist to say you’re a missionary in the west? Why? My cousin is a missionary in Newark, NJ, and my aunt’s first missionary work was in Mobile County, Alabama.
Dammit! My post was eaten. I would practice damning with faint praise–something the Brits excell at.
Or you could take refuge in obscure American slang–go back to the ‘20’s and start there.
Or you could watch AbFab as a tutorial or BBCAmerica (I dont’ get that channel, but it would give you an intro into the fine art of British insults).
I will say this: the direct attack is never best, especially in a written medium. Go for rapier thrusts, rather than hack jobs.
Good luck. Don’t expect victory, but a recognition of a worthy opponent would be praise indeed.
(I’m American, btw).
If any of them have anything to do with numbers or accounting then = “turf accountant” (= “bookie”)
If he was actually a missionary it’s not (and I owe him an apology)… but a lot of people, especially from North London, look down upon South Londoners and I’ve heard similar comments from such people regarding their trips south of The River. The major Black African and Black Carribean communities in London are in the South and make up a significant portion of the population, and that’s why it came across as racist.
:eek: Someone else has read that book??? faints I love that book.
I’d agree with the WWII comment…and throw in WWI, 1812 (leaving out the part where they burned down the White House, we won is the point) , 1776…and asked them how the Empire thing is going these days.
Definatly wind them up, although if they’re anything like my SO they’ll just bring up George W. Bush…
I think references to 1776, and certainly 1812, will be met with shrugs and/or bafflement. Britain has been in a lot of wars over the centuries, some of which it lost. Nothing particularly special (to Brits) about those ones. Indeed, before I started reading these boards I was not aware that there had been any kind of US-UK altercation in 1812.
Remember Status Quo Antebellum? It was at best a draw, although it was a draw in which our caiptal city was burned and theirs was not harmed by us or the other enemy with whom Great Britain was engaged in a continental-scale war at the time.
49 posts and no one’s mentioned tosser – alternative to wanker.
And though it doesn’t work all that well in print (needs some spin in the delivery) there’s always
Shut it! You slag!
In reply to any unwelcome utterances.
“Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they’re all out of you!”
If that doesn’t work, just tell him you slept with his wife.
And whether or not you leave out the part about the only major American victory being three weeks after the war was over, a draw is the best that America can hope to claim.
And despite studying History 1789 - 1914 in school, I had never heard of the War of 1812 until I moved to the US. I am currently reading a book called, imaginatively, 1812. I do not know yet who the author will view as having “won”. I do recall that well-known historian (?) Stephen J. Gould describing the War of 1812 as a British victory with a generous peace treaty that allowed the US to maintain its pride.
Except in British it would be something like “the wanker shop rang and they’ve run out of you.” 
Most Americans don’t know about it either. All the better.
If it’s just meant to be an insult (then sing the Star Spangled Banner)
And I know it was a draw but you don’t bring up that point when you’re going for “neener neener neener”.
Yes?