It’s pretty simple really.
If you have an adult relationship with your sister you can raise your concerns with her.
If not, you can say nothing and pretend you aren’t concerned and use the excuses offered in this thread as ways to not confront things.
How trite. If you had read the entire thread, you would realize that the subject has been broached. It was covered in the first post and rehashed in multiple responses. It is in fact a point of contention between Antigen and her sister, and I tend to side with her sister. From her own description of things, it appears to be negatively affecting their relationship. I have not heard testimony that drinking has negatively affected her sister’s life.
There are many definitions and descriptions of problematic alchohol use. To the best of my knowledge, none of them include the number of drinks one can be seen holding in pictures on Facebook.
I’m sure your false dichotomy makes you feel all smug and warm inside. Have fun with it.
IMHO the loving thing to do was to confront the concerns with your sister. So far so good, you talked about it directly with her, and didn’t tell the whole rest of the familyand get them spun up and on your side. Bravo.
Now the thing to do is: nothing.
In any destructive pattern (if there is one, and the evidence is running about 70% likely as I see it) the key is for the principle to see it his/herself. Until that happens no further progress can be made, and it must happen on her own. By caring enough to be upfront about your concerns you have given her a leg-up on noticing, and addressing the trend.
I said no more progress can be made, but a great deal of damage can be done if you keep pushing it. Release the information, like a butterfly flapping around her head. When new signs and indicators come up in conversation, picture yourself watching that butterfly flapping around but resist the urge to pounce on the topic. Small responses like “Hmmmnnn” or “That’s awkward,” or “sounds awful” are what you are going for here.
I would also advise you to beware of the word “should” in your conversation with her. Anytime we use that word we are pretty much either judging someone or trying to impose our expectations upon them. Your sister clearly has a different idea for her life than you do. She’s 30, it’s time to accept that. She does not want more sisterly influence in her life. A friend who could listen non-judgementally might be able to draw her out with gentle questions (spaced about six months apart) and bring this train to a halt years sooner than it would otherwise stop.
Give her space, make her feel welcome and safe in your life and in your home. Let her know you are on her side no matter what decisions she makes, and she can always come to you for caring support. Then go find somehting else to think about, because you will drive yourself crazy with worry if you don’t.
Wow, 70% chance of problematic drinking, based on secondhand accounts of her Facebook activity and response to her sister’s intrusive advice.
May I ask what scientific evidence you used to arrive at that number?
She has mentioned how she uses it for “networking” and I know she talks about the company a lot, promoting events and that sort of thing.
And yeah, I guess maybe I’m overreacting, and I haven’t said anything to her about it since the one time. I can’t say we’ve ever had a super relationship, our family was strained growing up and none of us ended up extremely close, but I don’t think I’m nosy and judgemental as a rule. However, I am the older sister, so take that for what it’s worth. Her being too busy to talk, and always upset about something, has been going on for a long time, since before me bringing anything up. She only calls me when she’s got a crisis in full swing, never to share good news or just say hi. Maybe because of this I’m getting a false picture of her life being a mess and her needing help. When she’s asking me what she’s supposed to do with no money, how she’s supposed to get anywhere when she’s not getting a raise or promotion, it feels like she’s asking for help, but I guess she just needs to vent and let it out. I’ve tried adjusting my responses to her since figuring that out a few months ago, and just trying to be generally supportive, but maybe it’s too late. I feel like I only get to see parts of her, and that’s probably the problem.
Oh well. I’ll let her be, as I’ve been doing, and keep any concerns to myself.
It might be. Are you in a position to go on a (strictly non-judgemental) visit with her? It might be fun reconnecting. And if you guys end up in a bar, let it just happen, but you would be in a position to observe and see if she’s out of control.
I wish you luck. It is tough when you’re worried.
I think the openness is a good sign. When my sister had an alcohol problem she went out of her way to hide how much she drank. It does sound like your sister isn’t quite gown up yet.
Partying is a feature of certain careers. It isn’t something looked for in a tax accountant, but it is in a sales rep.
And I probably came across a bit too strong in my criticism. My point is though, that it’s unfair for you to judge your sister’s behavior, especially with accusations of alcohol problems, based on her Facebook page.
If she has a problem, you can only find that out by fostering a better relationship with her and you won’t get there by judging her based on her online activities. Based on the fact that she’s progressing in her career, I kind of doubt that she has a drinking problem. If there is a problem, it’s probably one of money management.
She’s young and presumably single, living in a big city and trying to have fun. That shit’s expensive! If she’s asking for your advice about money, that’s the time to talk about her expenses at the clubs. She probably still won’t listen to you, but at least she asked. From what you’ve said here, absent any other information, I don’t think it’s likely that your sister has a drinking problem.
I’m sorry if I came across as an asshole, but being the big sister doesn’t hold a lot of weight when the little sister is almost 30. You’re equal adults now and you should treat her accordingly. She may never be comfortable completely opening up to you, but if you keep treating her like a little sister, I can practically guarantee that she won’t.
As you so rightly assert, there is no scientific evidence available to us. I do have some personal experience in this area, however, and offered my impression based upon the information provided. It is customary, in these circumstances to use qualifying words and phrases such as “about” and “as I see it” in order to make the reader aware that one is providing less-than-scientific input.
You may wish to review my post and reconsider whether such qualifiers were used approriately.
You may wish to review everything in this thread, and then consider the 100% likelyhood that you are full of shit.
It is also customary, when speaking in abstract concepts, to refrain from using concrete numbers. You may couch a statistic in as many qualifiers as you like, but if the statistic has no basis in fact, it remains a steaming pile of shit.
Mr. Jones, you are out of line here. You are free to disagree with others, but not tell them they’re full of shit. You may wish to dial it back; as you noticed you’re a bit strident in this thread and that oftentimes leads to us saying things we probably shouldn’t.
Ellen Cherry
IMHO Moderator
Acknowleged and understood. While I stand by my sentiment, my delivery was uncalled for. My apologies to TruCelt and the board for my brusk reply.
I see no evidence based on this post she is an alcoholic. She sounds like a normal, single professional in her 20s.
There is such a thing as a high-functioning alcoholic. They’ll focus on one aspect of their lives (usually their career) and so long as their drinking doesn’t fuck that up, it “proves” they aren’t alcoholic, not matter how laid waste the other areas and people.
But I hope we agree on one thing: number two and three of Alanon’s Three C’s: “I didn’t cause it, ** I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”.**
I chair an Alanon group, and we usually have people come in who expect “how-to” tips on getting somebody else to stop drinking. We can’t help them. But to the ones who come in with “I’m sick of this and it’s driving me crazy” we can offer help.
I probably mostly suspect a greater than about 30% probablity that you are correct, as I see it. Possibly substantially higher. Maybe 90% or more. In my opinion. Under certain circumstances. In Western Canada. On days that end in a “y”
If I could be bothered, and wouldn’t have to anonymize them all, I’d post a random sample of pics of all the 20- and 30-something women on my FB friends list. The only way they’re not clutching booze is if they’re holding babies.
Here’s what people post pictures of on facebook:
Your sister doesn’t have any kids.
Chill.
You forgot cats.
Or were you including that under 1?
Stop facebook stalking me, MichaelEmouse!
I think I might be only somewhere about 43% sure that you’re being honest, in my opinion.
Okay, I’m done. I can almost assure you. Within something like 93% certainty, I’m practically positive that this is my last post in this thread.