So, it looks like my marriage is ending.

[PunditLisa]

Well, that just sucks.

I have nothing to offer except my sympathy and advice to talk to a lawyer.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@filmore

<snip>
Maybe instead of divorce, see if he’ll do a separation. In some states that’s required before divorce. It will give him time to cool down and realize things are not so bad. Try to validate his feelings but open the door to a separation. Say something like “Things have been tough, maybe too tough to fix. I’m not sure what could be done. But we’ve been together so long and I’d hate to quit if things could be worked out. I’ll go along with the divorce, but could we first try a separation for a while? If you still feel the same way, we can divorce after that.”<snip>

That sounds like a very good idea. You’ve both just been through a very difficult time (and are still going through it) and my best armchair psychologist guess is that you’re both tearing at each other instead of pulling together. Maybe you need some time apart to heal and get your feet back under yourselves and realize that you’re still partners and you still belong together.

[purplehorseshoe]

hajario beat me to it - it’s definitely in both your best interests to involve a neutral third party to help mediate the discussions.

I’m sorry that your deli closed, and that the closure has strained your marriage so badly. Resentment, especially when it’s chronic and long-term, is incredibly corrosive to even the strongest of relationships.

[bup]

Well, if it doesn’t feel dumb coming from a message board person you’ve never really interacted with, I’m sorry.

I have no advice, but I feel pain just reading your OP.

[zoid]

I’m very sorry not what you’d expect.
I’m goiong through it too. It sucks.

[Inigo_Montoya]

@Zebra

I going to die old and poor and alone.

Funny how some people value what others don’t. I expect to die before I retire (youngish & not poor) and to get no time to myself when I’ll crave it most.

Sorry for your troubles OP, Zebra & others. I felt truly robbed when my marriage ended, almost like someone I loved had been murdered because the past 25 years had been the foundation for a future that was never gonna happen. But you’ll find, later, if it really is over and you’re done with each other, the process is liberating if a bit scary. It really is not what you’d expect.

[graybuilder]

@Prof.Pepperwinkle

My condolences, my sympathies, not what you’d expect. If it’s applicable, there’s a very good website at www.survivinginfidelity.com with lots of advice and supportive people who may be able to counsel you.

I am very sorry for your hard time, and hope you reach out to a therapist.

While there are great sites on the internet to help you, there are also ones like s-i which is a mixture of great advice, and incredibly bitter people who refuse to look at any of their own actions. One thing I learned in therapy was to fix the marriage you have to first look at your self honestly. Then work on yourself and the marriage.

[MoodIndigo1]

not what you’d expect, I’m sorry you’re in such pain. Those who advise seeking the help of a neutral party to sort things out are right. Losing your deli must have been a huge disappointment for both of you.

If you do divorce, you’ll be joining vast numbers of people who’ve survived it, many of them thriving, so hang in there.

I’m going through a divorce at the moment personally, at age 66, and though it’s not easy, it’s also oddly liberating.

BTW, congratulations on the new grandchild! I envy you for that.

[Seanette]

not what you’d expect and zoid, you don’t know me, and I haven’t been where you are, so all I can do is offer sympathy and best wishes for your lives to work out happily for you in the long run.