So I've ruined my life

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I was going to have this a BBQ thread, pitting the horror of accidental pregnancies. But I would probably make it sound a little lame and undeserving of a pit. So MPSIMS it is.

So my girlfriend is pregnant, and just six more weeks and she’ll be past the supposed danger period when the embryo’s future is uncertain. And after that who knows? She sent me an email a little over a week ago explaining why she had been in a bit of a mood with me. A lot of stress over quite a few things, including a late period. So even though I was invited to stay over for the week, I was told not to come over after only two days, and my stuff was rather uncerimoniously dumped back at my place by car, along with the sundry items I’d left at hers to make staying over easier (which I think was a bit much, she could have just binned them, a toothbrush and shower gel)

Then a text message bolt out of the blue, she’s pregnant. Since I’m at home, the other side of the country (ok, its only Northern Ireland, but its still a long enough hike) I’m told over the phone to wait till the next week, but I go over the next day to see her. She seems ok, a little tired and sick, but smiles to see me and berates me for coming over, even though I’m responsible for the kid to be inside her, she still says I’m making her horny. But then, two days later, after a doctor’s appointment and a hospital scan (slight bit of bleeding, the embryo’s future is uncertain, possibly because of g/fs age, early 40s) I’m told not to come over, not even to pick up keys I left at hers. Text messages become increasingly terse and her friends (two of whom work with me) get the same treatment.

I’m worried, for her health, the embryo’s health, her and me, but I think she has more worries than I. She’s in her early 40s and has two kids already to two different Dads who didn’t stick around. The father of the first child on hearing that she was pregnant, tore off on his motorcycle so fast the engine seized. The father of the second child accompanied her all the way to England for an abortion that was called off at the last minute, the result being her second, youngest child.
Her kids don’t mind, the elder thought it was quite funny, despite being pregnant herself with a baby that is months older than the embryo inside her mum.

So I’ve no idea what will happen, she’s made reference to doing things alone before (meaning raising two kids as a single mum) so I may end up simply being a Dad who dished out some cash at the start of every month and then pisses off. Or the embryo may perish and I’ve suspicion that would be the end of girlfriend and me.
Still, a thought, in the space of one year I’ve gone from a 25 year old virgin who’s never had a girlfriend to a prospective father to be. Amusing that I, someone from the far side of the country in a small town ends up losing it in the same council estate my girlfriend did 20 odd years ago.

BTW, the thread title comes from the leaflets given out in a Simpson episode, not that I beleive a kid would ruin my life. Beneath the worry and uncertainty, a bit of me would like to think I would enjoy the experience of being a Dad :wink:

2

What would you like to see happen here, Pushkin?

3

Well, I’d like to make sure my girlfriend (although I’m not too sure if I can call her that any more) is ok. I rang about half an hour ago and she seemed less than pleased to hear me, but upset rather than angry. She asked to be allowed her space, so I guess I should maybe not pester her for the next few days unless she gets in contact with me.

4

Pushkin, I’m sorry you’re under so much stress and everything is so uncertain. The only comments I can really make are that her attitude right now may have very little to do with you. I was a complete basket case the entire first trimester. The sudden rush of hormones can make a person behave less than rationally. Hang in there.

5

I’ve never known a pregnant woman to be pleasant even “much of the time.” When my ex found out she was knocked up by her BF (yeah…but that’s a whole 'nother story) she bitched him out but good and told him that she’d get rid of it and he’d not need to worry. In an attempt to be supportive he was completely agreeable with the idea, her body, her choice, whatever she chooses is fine by him. Easy enough seeing as she’d alerady made a convenient (for him) decision.

What she wanted was for him to get past the anger and tell her that, no, in fact he’d like the baby and that they needed to find a way to make a life for her(my) kids, his kid & their kid and them–the whole “It’s alright baby, love will find a way” philosophy. Well, he dodged that mine. And she saw him for the shit that he is. She killed his embryo and she’s not said a kind word to him or about him since.

Unfortunately I don’t know your girl. Sounds like she’s used to getting dumped on though and is assuming you’re about to do the same.

6

First of all, thank you for choosing to want to stick around. My guess is she might get the feeling that you’ll do the same as the previous “fathers”, run away from it. Assure her you want to be as much of a father as she will let you and how important it is to you that YOUR child has a father figure in his/her life. That is, assuming from your post, you DO want to be a part of it’s life. Correct me if I’m wrong here.

Things are scary for both of you right now and she is feeling a lot of anxiety, plus with a lot of the hormone fluctuations right now, she’s probably just freaking out. Have you discussed what the future of your relationship entails? Do you want to be with her? If this is just a fling, it seems your lady-friend may need to seriously consider her birth-control options. Don’t take offence, it seems all these pregnancies were accidents and maybe whatever she’s using isn’t very reliable.

You need to follow your heart with this one. I think it would be in your best interest to try your damnedest to assure your girlfriend you won’t leave and you WANT to be there for her and your baby. If she doesn’t see herself with you, it may be difficult but you have every right to see your child and share custody. I don’t know how paternal rights are handled in your country, so you need to make it painfully honest your intentions in this matter. She’s very confused and scared right now. Assure her of your feelings for her and your child, hopefully soon she’ll come around.

Best of luck to you, I hope this time next year you’ll be a proud pop. That is, if that’s what you want. Honesty, no matter how hurtful or brutal, is the ONLY way to handle this situation. Keep us updated, you’re in my thoughts. :slight_smile:

7

Thanks all, I’m just keeping my fingers crossed for her health first of all. G/f thought her period may have come after all when she noticed a bit of bleeding, but the pregnancy test was positive which is why the doctor asked her to see someone in the nearby hospital to be sure.
So she’s pregnant, but there may be a bit more of a chance it may not happen. Since she said she didn’t want an abortion at all, I’m hoping it does work out for her. I’m sure losing a baby, even at an early stage is going to mess up her mind.

8

And in a further twist she and I are no longer in a relationship. A long(ish) email just before lunchtime today confirmed that.

So, I have to wait about 5 weeks and some blood tests will be done to see if ex-g/f’s age will affect the pregnancy (assuming it hasn’t failed at this stage) and if the tests show up any abnormalities she’ll have an amino acid test.

All so many worries, having her run off with another man and have our baby is just the icing on the cake, but I just want her to be ok.

9

Um…what? Is there already another man? If there is, would you like directions to the clue store or do you think you can find your own way?

In any event, I’m so sorry. Wimmin are a starnge and troublesome lot. Rarely are their motivations related to our actions, despite what we might like to think. Keep tabs on her, if it’s your kid in her belly she might appreciate your sticking around. That’s just a guess though. Could be she was just using you for your seed.

10

I’m curious as to her reason for not continuing the relationship. Most of us women would actually WANT to keep the father of our children around unless its detrimental to the health or safety of others, of course.

Then again she may be different, but if it’d yours, and you’re ok with it, I don’t see what the problem is…

11

The woman sounds mentally unsound. I’d suggest keeping away as she’s treated you terribly and isn’t the type of person you want in your life.

If you have no parental interest in the child and she has no interest in you being around then you’ve also dodged a bullet.

12

You throw this little tid-bit into the mix as though it were a minor piece of additional information. It is not minor.

It seems she’s asked you to leave her alone, and she may well have her reasons. I’d advise granting her wishes. Don’t initiate any further contact with her.

It won’t take 25 years to find the next one. Like riding a bicycle, once you’ve got the hang of communicating with and being around a woman, you don’t lose it.

Best of luck to you.

13

Hormones can do strange things, Martin, and be very temporary. Maybe he shouldn’t rush into a decision about junking her for “mental unsoundness.” She might change her mind six times in the next few weeks and that would still have nothing to do with her real feelings for him.

Right. It’s only his flesh and blood – as much his as it is hers. He’s responsible for a life.

What if she decided just to put the newborn on his doorstep and walk away? That would be just as fair – moreso if she really is unsound. (Pushkin, she’s not going to do that.)

Pushkin, you need some time to think just as she does. You don’t have to make a sudden decision about what to do. Think about your feelings about your own future and what you want for yourself out of life. What kind of character do you want to build on? What are your values? How will your answers affect what you do now? These are things for you to figure out for yourself.

14

Do you mean an amniocentesis?
If you want to be part of your child’s life, stay in touch with her. You have rights as well as responsibilities.

15

A horrid question, but are you sure the child is yours? Anyway, I believe you’re right to worry about the child - isn’t there a vastly greater chance of Down’s Syndrom with older mothers?

16

I don’t think she was after me for me seed :o She’s had two kiddies from Dad’s who didn’t stick around and one of her kids is having one of her own. So she said she could handle things by herself as she had done in the past and even if she weren’t preggers herself, she’d still have too much to take care of herself with her coming grandchild.

17

Fairly sure its mine. Yeah, Down’s Syndrome was something she mentioned, that and an increased chance of miscarrying.

18

:rolleyes:

19

If I’m reading the OP correctly, there is quite an age difference between the two of you (she’s in her 40s, you’re 25).

She’s probably really freaked out.

Consider factors:

  1. Two children from two different (absent) fathers. That’s going to shake her faith in men. And I know nothing about your relationship, but your age difference might not make her feel more confident.

  2. She’s currently fixing to be a mother and a grandmother at the same time. That’s got to be tough.

  3. Hormones from the pregnancy itself, plus the fears that come along with being an older mother (previously mentioned Down’s, etc.).

I don’t know if you see this woman as a “forever” kind of relationship. I don’t know if she saw it as “forever” (which could be another cause of her anxiety).

Just communicate honestly that, whether you love her or not, you care about her and the baby, and that you intend to be a present father. No obligation on her to continue your relationship as it was, but you will be supportive of the baby (if that is what you feel).

20

I’m going to try to be civil here considering it isn’t the Pit.

You sound like a nice young man. However. You’ve hooked up with a woman who already had two children by two different fathers, none of whom have a current relationship with the mother. What were you thinking? Why in the world didn’t you do everything you needed to do to ensure there wouldn’t be a THIRD child? Virgin or not, surely you understand how a child is created. This didn’t just “happen” to either of you. Shame on you both.

Either your GF has seriously bad luck in choosing birth control methods or she is carelessly, perhaps deliberately, getting pregnant. One unplanned pregnancy and I can be sympathetic. Three? Sorry, there’s a common denominator. And her children are paying the price. There’s no surer way to ensure screwed up children than having screwed up parents. This child will be born into a home without your presence. You might not be able to change that. Do what you need to do to mitigate the damage.

You say the other fathers haven’t “stuck around.” There’s a possibility that they didn’t stick around because GF ran them off, just like she’s trying to run you off. Don’t let the trend continue. If, in fact, you’re the father of this baby, YOU are responsible for him/her. Your child will be brought up by a wrecklessly irresponsible woman. Do everything in your legal power to ensure that your child will have some stability and a constant source of paternal love.

You may have no choice as to what happens with your child until she gives birth. However, you do have rights once the child is born and it’s proven that you are the father. Make clear to her now that you are not just a sperm donor and that you WILL be a part of this child’s life. Aside from the monetary support, you have both a moral and a legal responsibility to your child to protect him/her.

My advice? If you have a good relationship with your parents, bit the bullet and tell them now. You have a long road ahead and you’ll need support of family and friends. If you cannot repair your relationship with your GF, you still have an inescapable obligation to your child. Your child, their grandchild, is the most important thing in your life now. Don’t muck this up.