Pushkin- I’m sorry. This doesn’t sound like a great situation for anyone involved. I just hope you can work everything out together.
Has she talked to you about what she’ll do if the amnio shows Down’s? If she is NOT going to have an abortion under any circumstances (even a diagnosed lethal or serious abnormality), then that test is not in the baby’s best interest as it has a 1-2% miscarriage rate. If she would have a termination if the result showed an abnormality, then it is reasonable to go ahead with it.
In case you weren’t aware, terminations for foetal abnormalities are legal in NI, so she wouldn’t have to travel. I know none of that is what you want to hear, but I hope it might help make some decisions.
I had a longer reply but our office network crashed so I’ll be brief. Yes we had a long awkward talk about sex before we did it and I trusted her and asked her if the contraceptive device (diaphragm) was working ok and was in. She said she knew how to use it and it was in all the time. The only time I knew it was out she took the morning after pill the next day.
It was only later she admitted to having left it out one time or another and assuming her age made it unlikely she would be pregnant :smack:
As to what I wanted from a relationship with her? I enjoyed the time we spent together and really didn’t think much beyond that. I didn’t think about kids and she said she didn’t want any more so that was that really.
Irishgirl; thanks for the advice. I actually found out about the situation regarding abortions because girlfriend actually had to go to England for one and stopped only at the last minute.
I’m not sure how far no-abortions would go with her. If there was a risk of severe abnormalities or something else problematic I’m sure she could very well change her mind.
I have to agree with some of what PunditLisa said on this one - three babies by three different fathers - and now she no longer wants a relationship with the father of the third baby? Something is a bit odd here. Usually when a person is going to be in a stressful situation, they seek out help with it. I guess hormones could explain it - I’ve never been pregnant so I don’t know. For the sake of the child, I hope you will stand firm regarding your rights to see and parent your baby. It will make a HUGE difference in his/her life.
The woman sounds flaky to me, hormones or not. Two kids, one of whom is pregnant, and now the mother is pregnant again. She is fifteen years older than you and obviously has more experience sexually. From what you say, there is already another man (lover) in the mix. I don’t think hormones are playing a big role here. Are you absolutely positive the fathers of the other two children aren’t paying support? Do you have just her word for that? Is she employed and does her lifestyle fit her level of employment? Does she seem to have more money than her job would justify? I hope you will express an interest in the child to be, but before you agree to take on the responsibility, I hope you establish proof of paternity via DNA testing. At the very least, if she insists on dumping you, I hope you would get some sort of legal advice as to your future liability. I admit to being cynical, but I suspect you don’t know the real truth in this situation.
Before I confuse things, there isn’t as far as I know another man. I was just speculating what would happen if further down the line she did meet someone else and had my child as well.
And yes, the other two fathers are apparantly paying support. One child is only a few years younger than I and is in the middle of a masters course at uni’ which the father helped provide for. And the father of the youngest provides money and looks after her weekends as well as on holidays.
Well, if the baby makes it all the way through to birth then yes, I would like to help bring it up. It sort of rubbed it in that a Times article on the day she told me she wanted to call the relationship off highlighted the problem of single mums :rolleyes:
Oh, for the love of Christ. After two kids, she thinks it’s “unlikely” she’d get pregnant again? Sorry, that story wouldn’t fly in a hurricane. You’ve either been set up or you’re dating the most willfully ignorant woman in Ireland. Not sure which is worse.
Okay, first off, I got pregnant the first time with a diaphragm. Second off, you don’t leave it “in all the time” unless you want to risk Toxic Shock Syndrome.
I would encourage you to encourage her to put the baby up for adoption, if she’s not willing to marry you. For God’s sake, kid, she’s got two kids by two different fathers, a third on the way, and now her daughter is following in her footsteps. Is this really the woman you want raising your child?
Next time, even if the woman SWEARS she’s on the pill, slip on a condom.
Sorry, to clarify, I meant they didn’t live with her and raise the child day by day, just sent her money every month and took the kids for holidays or weekends.
I think there is a lot to this story that we aren’t hearing. The OP said that the woman has two kids by guys who “didn’t stick around” which insinuates, at least, that they didn’t, well, you know, stick around. Now it develops that they certainly stuck around to the extent of paying support and providing baby sitting services on weekends. I suspect that a lot of “clarification” is needed, but I doubt it is worth the effort to extract.
Yes, I know it’s what we’ve been told for the last 30 years. But the latest studies show it’s not really so. Many of the old studies worked with correlation values that nobody with a serious knowledge of statistics would consider significant.
Sorry, I don’t have a quote from a webpage. Just quoting my pregnant sister in law, who happens to be an MD and a worryfreak, so of course she’s been “drinking” all the baby-problems literature she’s been able to find.
And she raises the kids under the loving parenting philosophy of Miss Havisham, Oh woe is me, the world done me wrong, men are evil, I’m a victim… I shouldn’t make fun. But I can’t help it. It’s what I do.
I’m with LouisB when he said: “I think there is a lot to this story that we aren’t hearing”.
The basic facts keep changing, almost from post to post. It’s hard to give helpful advice or write meaningful comments when the story constantly changes.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe this woman is use to being dumped or dumping the man out, but maybe because of the grandchild on the way or other factors, maybe she decided (consciously or not) to get pregnant again to either perserve her youth ( again, consciously or not) or, maybe, if she is receiving assistance of some kind, keeping the money coming in. ( I don’t know how it works over there.) Maybe she is on the up and up and maybe she is a loon. Maybe she is half and half. What a tangle.
Whatever happens during this time protect yourself legally and act with dignity. It is a time of high flying emotions and hormones.
You didn’t ruin your life, no matter what happens. Bringing a child into this world isn’t ruining your life, like say, having brain cancer or AIDS would. It is making it a brighter place and your pockets more empty and your time more compact. There will never be enough money. Ever.
Ruining your life would be to smuggle drugs up your bunghole or some other such dumbass thing.
What a crazy time for you.
I hope things work out okay with the both of you (and the little one too). I can tell you that pregnancy makes people act totally crazy. Ask Harborwolf about my behavior when I was pregnant. I went crazy. I didn’t want to be around him for awhile because everything he did made me angry. I couldn’t stand the sound of his chewing, his breathing, his voice. . . anything. I also would fly into rages at very tiny things. Once, I burst into tears because we were out of bagels. Another time, I screamed at my best friend, calling her a bitch, because she beat me at a card game.
My point is, pregnancy is a massive change in women, and it can really affect our behavior in ways most men wouldn’t expect. Hang in there.
:smack: Right apologies again, the basic story isn’t changing, I’m just not telling it properly. In the first quote, I was expressing thoughts I had, I was just speculating; how would I feel if she had my kid then years down the line found herself another man and lived with him and my kid.
Its just my mind idly speculating. Nothing has made me think there was another guy. She mentioned that the last time she’d had a boyfriend before me was about a year and a half before seeing me for the first time.
All replies to this thread are welcome and thanks for those received.
I managed to get in touch with my now-ex again, unfortunately only by email which is now the only way I am to contact her by.
In brief she seems to have picked up some bad notions about me, namely that only a fortnight after being told that I’d gotten her pregnant I was trying to make the receptionist in our office my new girlfriend and that I would not want anything to do with the baby save for a picture or two of any scans she had of it.
I can see why she might think this. The receptionist in our office is my age and has a similar sense of humour so I’ve been able to get along with her quite well, having a drink with her after work once or twice and seeing a film with another girl in the office. And all I’ve said to my ex about the baby is that I wouldn’t want to leave all the looking after it to her.
However, the receptionist in our office already has a boyfriend and has beaten off a rather pitiful attempt by one of our computer technicians to get in her knickers when his own girlfriend threatened to dump him. And I’ve been unable to speak to my ex about much since learning she was pregnant other than two emails, a handful of texts and a one minute phonecall so I’ve been unable to tell her anything else about how I feel. I responded to this email by telling her exactly how things seemed to me, hopefully she’ll read it.
The tone of the email seemed slightly angry which I can only suggest is because she feels upset and thinks I’m abandoning her or because she’s plain angry at being impregnated
It’s hard to give helpful advice or write meaningful comments when the story constantly changes.