So my sister is getting married. All of a sudden

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I never thought my sister would get married. She is always senstitive (I refrain from the word ‘bitchy’), always complaining and in somewhat poor health. Three years older than me, I am always terrified of her. My presence was never welcomed in her room. If she came home and I even as much glance in her direction, she would glare at me and gave me a sorching ‘What?’

The sibling tension didn’t wear off over the year. She’s an New Ager, and I was at that time a rather stoid Christian. She would tell me how narrow-minded I am not to trust in her crystal healing and beliving that there’s only one true way to God, while I resent her for trying to shove her belief down my throat (the irony).

Eventually, we all moved out and went on our seperate way. She had depression and serve anxiety, and had to stay in a care centre. Same for my mother. Me, I managed to get a job and a decent apartment room to rent.

Then suddenly, out of the blue, my mum called me. My sister is getting married.

Now, I’ll try to explain the implications here. We’re Chineses, rather conservative ones, and getting married pouring thousands into a wedding dinner and ceremonies. Getting a stamp on a piece of paper is known as ‘registeration’. If you don’t hold the proper wedding dinner, relatives and friends would be flooding the grapevine about how cheapskate you are. I guess I can understand why my mother is worried. No one would have the money now (mum, sis or me) to hold a 10-course wedding dinner at hotel which probably would cost in the range of tens of thousands.

The second sticking point is that my sis only had known the guy for 4 months. It’s too short a period! My mum pointed out. While the culture here has somewhat progressed, my mum thinks being a divorcee is bad and rotten and all that because she was one, and she caught a lot of crap for it. (Singapore consisting of a majority of conservative Chinese families and all that).

The last thing is how my sister get to know the guy. Through a wrong number phone call. I have no idea how it happened. Sounds interesting though. I wonder what sort of guy my sister got hitched up with, considering her attributes.

2

Honestly I don’t see anything alarming about this engagement. Is she supposed to stay single because she can’t afford a nice wedding? And who cares if she met him on a wrong number. It’s a cute story. The only thing that sounds like a red flag is the 4-months of dating, but you’ve never me the guy and haven’t talked to your sister so you don’t know enough to evaluate the relationship. And it doesn’t really sound like you want meet the guy so may as well assume the best.

I think you need to just call it like it is, you can’t stand your sister and anything she does would annoy you. Here she did something that has nothing to do with you, and you haven’t spoken to her personally, and it still bothers you. And that’s not unexpected, I’m sure what you say is true, she’s a bitchy person and you better off not having to deal with her. But I think this whole wedding will go a lot more smoothly for if you just stick with your original plan of being uninvolved in her life, and don’t worry about details of who will pay for her wedding (not you!) or how your relatives will react to a divorce that hasn’t happened yet.

3

My Chinese friends in Singapore had a very small wedding, (under 50 people), and, while the family was not delighted, certain it could only lead to divorce and went only grudgingly along, the sky did not fall and everyone’s life just continued along.

They are still married, have a teenage daughter and are the apple of the mother-in-law’s eyes, at this point.

You have a difficult relationship with her and that won’t likely change. You may still be distant from each other. All you can do is try and be open hearted. That’s all there is sometimes.

It seems like you’re in one of those spots where the only thing you actually have any power over changing, (or should, really), is your own attitude.

I wish you good luck my friend it won’t be a smooth ride, I’m sure.

4

Yes, the country is stuck in a transit from old values to new. The registration of the marriage is later, so I will get to meet the groom. And my mum wants to have a talk with me afterward.

The thing that her decision may have some influence on my life. You see, according to Singapore laws, only married couples can apply for housing projects. We have been without a flat for about three years, and all along it has been my mum’s plan once my sis hits 30 (which she is now), they would apply for a flat together so we could stop living at rented place. Got a feeling ma is going to kick up a fuss about how worried she is sis would not take her in and asking me to do something.

Hope my gut feelings are wrong.

5

What would she ask you to do?

I don’t know about your customs, but isn’t it better that your sister is married so you don’t have to take care of her in the long-term?

6

Is the implication that your mom will try to get you to put up the cash for a lavish wedding for your sister, who is maybe getting married to apply for a flat with her new husband - and on top of it, that you will be expected to house your mom?

7

I feel for you, but a proper Chinese wedding party is out of the question. I attended one when my best friend married a nice Chinese American gal in San Francisco. I was the best man, and boy, was the wedding a big deal with the Chinese traditions and all. I will remember it for the rest of my life. They have a “little” boy who at the age of 11 is almost six feet tall. Great kid.

8

Nope, the question now is like who would care take of mum. She’s pushing 60, demonstrated a lack of ability to stay in any job, and does not have much of a pension because she was unemployed for a long while. (Singapore has no social welfare. The government docks a percentage of your pay and put it in a ‘bank’ and only when you have retired you could access it).

I think my mum is worried if she could move in with sis. And worried about me, in a sense, because the plan was when my sis hits 30, mum and she could apply for a flat and we all could be reunited. (Come to think of it, I am quite sure the age is 35, not 30. That what makes my mum a disaster in waiting - she always got the details wrong, like selling our old flat in belief that she could apply for another public flat, and she was wrong and we all end up in rentals).

9

Of course, I am okay without the weddings and all that. It’s what the older people think, and older conservative Chinese are all about face and outward appearances at times. I guess mum is worried about that.

The legal registration is nothing to them in a sense; the loud outward appearances of being married sort of indicate a kind of social status. Not doing so tend to invite lots of gossip, and is scandalous and etc. According to Chinese custom, sex before that wedding dinner is wrong. Cohabiting is wrong. The old people in the demographics still have this mindset (my mum and her peers).

(Or it is easy for them to say ‘Times have changed! Young people should be able to do what they like’ but when it happens to their own children, they takes a different tone)

Thankfully, we are moving away from that. I used to joke that Singapore would see more marriages if we drop all those expensive rituals when we come to marriage, and treat it like westerners in the US. The Malays’ wedding ceremonies tend to be cheaper, but are whole day affair. They would organise an out-door lunch and dinner, complete with music, DJs and singing. Same for the Indians. Chinese wedding is the bomb. A wedding dinner, plus either a traditional tea serving ceremony, or a ceremony at a church, followed by photo shoots, honeymoon and etc. before it can be considered as ‘proper’.

I made up my mind that if I am going to get married no one would know.

10

stoid?