You definitely shouldn’t feel like a pathetic loser; and I’m glad you say you’re not (and I hope it’s true).
Here is an absolute fact of life: When you’re in the middle of the shit; often times you don’t realize you’re in the middle of the shit. In other words most people in a fucked up situation didn’t get there over night. It generally happens so gradually that you begin believing you’re in a not so un-normal situation. Get out of the bad situation. I personally thank you should finalize the divorce, and stay away from both Melissa and June; and get your shit together. But that’s just my humble opinion.
If you can ever get to a place where you’re looking at this situation from the outside you’ll realized how screwed up it is.
First, while there are those who feel no need for sexual fidelity in a relationship, most of us do, and it’s not because we regard our partner as property.
Sex is an inherently risky act, capable of creating life (conception, pregnancy, and birth) and ending it (HIV, some forms of hepatitis, and probably soon syphillis and gonorrhea). Condoms can fail, and so does an individual’s caution. When a couple pledges monogamy and fidelity, it means each is trusting the other not to bring home a communicable disease that could potentially cause considerable pain, cost their fertility, or shorten their life. It means the woman trusts the man not to create children outside of their relationship, and it means the man trusts the woman not to create children inside their relationship that aren’t his.
Making a relationship work means a commitment of time and energy, it means placing your partner as your first priority - higher than other family, higher than work, and higher than passing urges. If one partner is off chasing tail, that means whatever resources they’re spending on securing another lover - time, money, affection, commitment - is not going to the person they’ve supposedly devoted themselves to.
That being said, people don’t have affairs because their partner has somehow failed them. They have affairs because it’s easier to get what they want from someone else than working on the problems in the relationship, or because they’re selfish and don’t want to live up to the promise they made, or because they’re bored and convince themselves that it doesn’t really matter. There are a thousand reasons to have an affair, and only a handful of them are really sympathetic. In the end, though, it is not the other partner’s fault their spouse cheated on them. All responsibility lays at the feet of the cheater.
I don’t usually weigh in on relationship threads but what the hell. IMHO, the biggest mistake was having a child together when you say the marriage never really recovered. I’m sure you both love her, but it is such a classic error to have a “Band-Aid” child to try and pull a failing marriage together.
Hope things work out for everyone. Most of us make stupid youthful mistakes out of hormones, ignorance, and thoughtlessness. It is one of the reasons I think most people who marry young have such a tough time of it. Think long and hard before you marry again - June may be unwittingly using you as a rebound relationship as you are available and safe. You and your daughter may end up hurt if she decides she needs to put everything that reminds her of her ex out of her life.
Yeah, I’m having a hard time getting past the “she knew he fucked small children and screwed him anyway.” That’s not just a “fling,” that’s an epic collapse of judgement and priorities. I’m not gonna speak for Dave, but while I might be able to get past my husband cheating on me and repair our relationship, I really don’t know if I could get past my husband cheating on me with someone who abuses children. And I don’t even have kids, just nieces and a nephew! Girl’s got issues.
Full marks for trying to repair the relationship, tho’ - I mean that honestly. And it just didn’t work. Best of luck with your new love.
I don’t think anyone thinks it would be easy to forgive that kind of transgression, but the issue is that you did. Or at least you said you did, or maybe you only implied you did. I actually don’t fault you for anything (how can I, I don’t know your life), but the way I read your OP is thusly:
[ol]
[li]You married young[/li][li]Your wife had an affair (fling, whatever) with a scumbag. (BTW, I doubt I would have been able to have forgiven her and I would have divorced her then…)[/li][li]Yo, Opal.[/li][li]She cut it off and never talked to the guy again and the two of you worked it out.[/li][li]At least you worked it out enough that you remained married to her for an additional 9(?) years and even had a kid with her 4 or 5 years after the fling. To me this implies that you forgave her and I would be surprised if she believed differently then I.[/li][li]Recently, you realized you had feelings for someone else (June) and also realized that you no longer had feelings for you wife. (Unclear on the order here, did one cause the other?)[/li][li]You told your wife that you couldn’t do it anymore and told her it was over.[/li][li]You hooked up with June.[/li][li]You logged onto the SDMB and filled us in on points 6, 7, and 8 and informed us that it was because you were holding a grudge about the fling and you really didn’t work it out 9 years ago and never forgave her for the fling with the scumbag and really the marriage ending is all her fault and has nothing to do with #6.[/li][/ol]
Is that it? Because you dredging up this shit from a decade ago in order to justify you ending your marriage now seems kinda lame. If you want to end your marriage, good, do it. Feel no guilt. If it isn’t working, it isn’t working. Why bring up all this old shit? Are you trying to blame your wife for you ending the marriage? Trying to paint yourself the victim? Why not just start a thread saying the marriage wasn’t working so you cut it off and shortly thereafter you hooked up with a friend and it’s awesome? Why shame and blame your ex-wife in the process?
I have to agree along with the person above that said the title should be “so I cheated on my wife”. He has obviously convinced himself that it is her fault he cheated so therefore it is her fault the marriage didn’t work.
I don’t think he cheated, but he definitely seems to want to blame the marriage ending on his ex-wife and is unable to take responsibility for ending it. Whatever, I can’t morally wrong him for all that stuff, marriages end all the time and people fall out and into love. I hope they are all happy in the long run.
I am kinda worried about his ex-wife though, it sounds like he is trying to blame her for the marriage ending (don’t blame me for leaving you, it’s all your fault for being a slut!). I have known people who pulled that kinda shit before and I think it’s despicable. First they rock their SO’s world by telling them that it is over, then when the SO is trying to figure out why, they place all the blame on them instead of having the balls to just take responsibility for their feelings on the matter. I think it comes from not wanting to be the bad guy. It’s ironic really; they are not the bad guy for ending the relationship (at least IMHO), but they sure are assholes for putting all the blame on the person they are leaving. What a mindfuck.
Of course, this may not be what happened in this case. I have just seen shit like that before with other couples and I felt really bad for the person left… Took them years to recover from what could have been a simple divorce, but instead became a nightmare of blame, self-recrimination and insecurity.
Did she actually know the guy was a pedo, or was it that she should have known because the info was easily google-able? Again, the OP was a little vague on that.
Also, not to stick up for her again, but the guy was obviously a sociopathic liar and she was in a very vulnerable place. I have a hard time believing he was all, “I like to fuck kids, lol!” And she responded with, “Who cares! Let’s bone!” I have a feeling the actual story was far more forgiving of the future-ex-wife. But of course, we only have the story of the husband, and he’s clearly slanting it to be as forgiving to himself as possible.
Anyhoo, again, I don’t fault him for ending the marriage. Or even the cheating*. But the way he paints her as responsible for his transgressions is a bit of a dick move.
*and this BS about how “the marriage was already over” is just that- BS. If you aren’t divorced, or officially separated with the understanding that the vow to sexual fidelity is over and you’re about to divorce, the marriage ain’t over. Being unhappy doesn’t count, or else, NO ONE is a cheater.
Ok, somehow I missed this post, and it answers a lot of my questions.
I think you are clutching at straws. I think that is natural. But you will BOTH be much better off (and be much better co-parents) if you accept that the blame for the marriage ending is a 50/50 thing. She did wrong, you did wrong, neither of you are horrible people from the sound of it. Marriages end. Its sad, but it happens.
But blaming her is, again, a bit of a dick move, and it will only cause resentment between you that WILL affect the way you are able to successfully raise your child. Let it go.
In my experience, blame comes from guilt projected outwards. So, seriously, YOU ARE NOT A BAD GUY. Accept that. Forgive yourself, and forgive her. I promise you, that is your path to happiness. Portioning fault by bringing up things that happened a decade ago is the path to madness. I’m speaking from experience here; there is a certain pleasure that comes from going over stuff like this. It’s like picking a scab. But stop picking. Let it heal.
You seem like you are in a better place, which is good. But I would maybe have two critiques going forward:
Transgressions in a relationship have to have some sort of statute of limitations. Either you resolve yourself to actually get over it, or you don’t. It seems like you took the middle road of trying to work it out until something better presented itself. That’s not really a fair thing to do. Not sure your ex deserves that fairness, but your partner in any future relationship probably does.
You gotta stop implying that your wife’s infidelity ended your marriage. It seems you ended your marriage. Your rationale was understandable, but you need to own the decision. Nobody made you stay for nearly a decade after the infidelity, or impregnate this person. Own the decision.
You knowingly had a child with a lying, unstable person. I know as a spouse, you recognize that you can largely disconnect and divorce yourself from their problems, but a child has a much harder time doing that. You can pick your partner, your kids can’t pick their parents. You owe it to them to pick someone who is not a shitty person. I think you might have dropped the ball there. That said, hopefully things will work out for the best.
I imagine the optics here will look really bad to your daughter once she gets a bit older. The fact that her parents are divorcing, and you are shacked up with mommy’s friend is hard to explain to a child without going into sordid details. The whole family may need counseling at some point.
No one is ever too young IMHO. My best friends have been together for twenty three years and we will be celebrating her fortieth later this month. Some other good friends have a similar story. Never too young, but it is against the odds for it to last…
Just wondering, because my husband and I got married when I was 22 and he was 25, and we have been married 8 years this coming June. I guess since neither of us went in to marriage with rose colored glasses we have managed to power through the hard times and enjoy the good times.
Also, I agree with others in this thread who have said that hooking up and starting a relationship before divorce proceedings have concluded is pretty crappy no matter the justification.
It wasn’t a minor infidelity, even though it happened only once (he believes).
She took his car, fucked somebody in front of witnesses. That isn’t minor. It was scandalous and notorious, which isn’t minor. I’m not making excuses for anybody, and everybody’s morality is their own, but, sheesh… you didn’t only call it minor, you called it *very *minor.
Sheesh, again!
ETA: The scandalous and notorious nomenclature isn’t a character judgement, by me, at least. It’s meant to signify that the wife, more or less, waved a big flag and said “Fuck you, husband!!! In YOUR car, in front of anybody who happens to want to watch!!!” etc…
I’m worried, Dave.B, that you still are extremely immature.
Not in your behaviour, per se, but, in that you 1. Believe that your wife cut off contact with him. 1.a. Believed that ‘making’ her promise to cut off contact had any effect. 2. Believed that taking your wife’s phone and cancelling her email, etc…would stop her. 3. Blame your youth as the fault for the marriage breakup. I don’t blame you, in this scenario, however, you should be mature enough to realize that it wasn’t anybody’s age that made your wife into a whore, or you into the victim.
Point being, now that you’re a dad, I hope you can take off the rose colored glasses.
Best wishes, and I’m glad for you that you have a fine, happy daughter!
Just checking in to say that I’m still here reading all this.
There’s a lot to digest here, and thanks for all the opinions. Obviously I have to put all of this into the context of what I know, rather than just the brutal facts presented in my OP. There were many more subtleties that contributed to the end of the marriage, yes - on my part too, but I never got over this. Maybe it was a mistake to even try to get over it, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have my daughter.
Keep it coming. Our counsellor said this would be cathartic, and she was right.
