This sounds nice in theory. And it works in many contexts, but quite possibly not in this one.
The problem is that certain varieties of overly religious folk don’t regard what they see as someone else’s future of eternal damnation as his/her individual choice that they should respect. They regard it as something that person needs to be saved from, whether they acknowledge it or not.
Yeah, he needs to destroy his life in order to save it. :rolleyes:
It’s definitely a concern that she’s getting more and more into it. It sounds like they’re really trying to suck her in, and the real concern with that is that these kinds of churches usually aren’t very happy about members being married to non-believers. The next step will be for them to start working on YOU, and warning your wife about being “unequally yoked,” and shit like that. This could definitely become a problem if the church starts trying to pressure her more and more to convert you (it will start with inviting you to social events and picnics and shit. They’ll try to pretend like it’s casual socializing. it’s not. It’s strategy). Maybe they’re an unusually tolerant church who isn’t bothered about having a member married to an infidel, but the raising the hands over the head shit is not a good sign. This could come to a head two ways, with your wife getting bored with them and leaving the church, or with her getting so assimilated that it leads to a division in the marriage. I would push her in the first direction (and maybe try to compromise on a UU option or something). Try not to let her give them too much money. You’re right to feel conflicted. This isn’t the kind of familial religious life you signed up for.
Substitute anything/anyone for Jesus and look at it from that angle.
“Honey, I’m going to church and wave my arm over my head and praise Thor and talk about how anyone who doesn’t is going to be punished for eternity”. “OK, have fun”.
I think a lot of people are interpreting the problem in this OP as ‘‘my wife is religious and I’m not.’’ What I’m getting is totally different - you’re concerned because her act of baptism at this new church, in front of both families, is kind of confrontational to the die-hard Catholics, and is a wild departure from her past expressions of faith.
The real question is why your wife wants to get baptized on that day, in front of both families. Is it because of a conviction she personally feels or because other members of the church are pressuring her? Absent anyone else’s input, would she even want to get baptized at all? Because my personal feeling, as a former Christian who received a total-immersion baptism when I was 12, is that it’s kind of like marriage, in the sense that you’re publicly declaring your commitment to God in front of family and friends. It’s an inherently social act, but one that is driven by love for God, not love for the church, if that makes any sense. So I’d be really curious what her thought process is behind doing this, and why it’s important to her.
Dump the wife. Sell the children. RUN!
This is a problem that has the potential to become a Big Problem. Have you talked about how she’s essentially decided to change the “family religion” without your input and that you’re not entirely comfortable with that? Because that’s what she’s doing.
I’m surprised you didn’t object to kid #3’s baptism. If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s probably better that you mention it sooner rather than later, before she decides that the other kids need to be re-baptized, too.
This isn’t that much different than her converting to Judaism and deciding that kid 3 needs to keep kosher or converting to Islam and taking the kids to a mosque. She’s working on changing the entire family’s religion without getting you on board first, and you’re not required to be okay with that.
I was raised by a religious mother and a non-religious father. They have made it work and are still happily married 35 years later. As for the kids’ religious leanings, one of the best things my parents did was make my mothers religion available, but didn’t force us into it. It allowed us to make our own decisions about how we felt and let us be open to both points of view.
I feel very lucky to have had this type of upbringing. It allows me to be more open-minded about peoples beliefs. While I am not a religious person, I can appreciate and understand people who are.
As for your wife specific dilemma, if she is concerned about going through with the ceremony in front of the families (but still wants to do it) could she just tell her friends that she wants that day to be about your child and then reschedule her own event for another time?
If this is really the problem…
I really like this solution.
I don’t think I’m a die-hard Catholic, but I do have a problem with someone who’s already baptized re-baptizing: “a single Faith, a single Baptism” is said in every Mass. Since the OP grew up Catholic, it’s part of his, ehr, Pavlovian religious reactions; it goes against something so basic that it can make him freak out on an instinctive level.
I’m remembering a story which is told as being a true anecdote…
There was an Ecumenic Sinod (a meeting of pastors from any Church which wanted to join in for a chat) in Seville in the 1960s. One of them hears a local guy cussing and damning “the priests, the Holy Fucking Mother Church and the horse they rode on in” and they get to talking. At one point, the local says “woooo… Father, are you trying to convert me to your Church?” “Well, you seem to be unhappy with yours.” “And? I don’t believe in the True Church and I’m gonna believe in yours?”
The OP may not be much of a Catholic any more, but that doesn’t mean he has to be happy about seeing his wife joining a denomination which, if she’d been part of it when they met, might have meant they wouldn’t have gotten married.
All I can say is, “Thank god I married another atheist!”
Well, it happened. No drama. On with life, I guess.
Of all possible issues one can have, this is really minor. Is (or was) it worth making such a mountain out of?
Cite for this being a mountain?
Have a BBQ at the beach, with lots of beer for the relatives. Hopefully the won’t notice your wife being baptised when she goes in for a swim.
Baptism issues aside you are deluding yourself if you do not think her becoming ever more involved in this evangelical church is not going to eventually drive a wedge between the both of you. For better or worse people who are highly emotional find HUGE comfort and resonance in these environments, and there is lot of peer pressure to get everyone in the family onboard.
Her being OK with you not being onboard this faith train is not going to last forever. Lot of marriages are broken up when one spouse gets really involved in a church and the other does not.