So... my wife wants to get baptized

In My Humble Opinion
1

And I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I’m a former Catholic, atheist since 13 or so. I married a Catholic, but we quickly became the Easter and Christmas types. Our first two kids were baptized Catholic, but we had a really terrible experience at the second one involving a Nigerian (military) priest who decided to preach that day (in front of both our families) about how messed up Americans are because we don’t beat our kids enough.

That incident prompted my wife to give up on the Catholic church. She found some born-again generic Jesus church and loves it. It’s the sort of church where people put their hands up in the air to praise Jesus while they’re singing about praising Jesus. She started going weekly, doing Bible study, and listening to Christian rock.

We’ve talked about all this – she still holds out hope that I might find Jesus, I told her that it’s going to be hard for me to keep making fun of born-agains if she’s going to become one.

For kid #3, she decided not to baptize him Catholic, instead opting for some generic “dedication” ceremony at the new church. No objection here, but there’s been a lot of tiptoeing around the subject to account for the attitudes of both our families, especially the older generations, who define themselves in part by their Catholicism. The decision has caused much consternation for my wife; I’m being supportive, but I really don’t have an opinion on the subject. Offending my grandparents isn’t a concern of mine. I told her we could do one or the other, both, or neither. She opted for just the dedication.

Now my wife has decided that she wants to get baptized in this new church on the same day as the dedication. This is a full-on dunked-in-a-bathtub type of baptism. I told my wife I was going to have a hard time making fun of people who get baptized in bathtubs is she was going to do it.

Oddly, the more I’ve let this sink in, the more I feel conflicted about it. She really doesn’t want to get baptized in front of both families, but she feels like if she reschedules she’ll be chickening out. I can’t argue with that. On the other hand, I think the only reason she’s doing it that day is because one of her church friends egged her on.

What says the Dope? Is this unnecessary feather-ruffling or should I encourage this in the name of being true to herself?

2

i believe that one baptizm is all that is necessary. you can be born again as many times as you need or like.

3

Encourage her to do what her heart tells her. If she’s nervous about what she’d tell her friend, she can say she was being overeager and wants to make sure she’s not confusing her joy over her child’s dedication with what she feels for herself.

When I was a teenager, the church I attended let you deal with the equivalent of “confirmation” whenever you felt ready. I found out a guy I had a crush on was going to be getting confirmed soon, so I said I was ready too and we had our confirmation together. It bothered me for a long time afterward. She shouldn’t feel pressured or guilted into doing something, regardless of how “good” it might seem, as her conscience may bother her afterward about her motivation.

4

This would be a dealbreaker for me, especially given that she’s telling you she wants you to convert.

I don’t know what to tell you, man. This sucks donkey-ass.

5

It doesn’t sound like your wife is looking to you for spiritual advice, but support as her husband and friend. While your tongue and cheek comments about not being able to no longer make fun of x if she’s going to become x, may be ways that you are trying to semi half heartedly tell her that her actions are making you slightly uncomfortable, she either needs you to be supportive or flat out tell her that you are uncomfortable…not waffle in between with passive aggressive platitudes. Sounds like you love her and are supportive of her following her own heart. If so encourage her.

6

Depends on the church. My father’s denomination would not accept a sprinkling baptism as legitimate: only a full-immersion. I’ve heard both Dad and other ministers of his church give sermons on why full immersion is necessary for salvation.

7

This. Also, if you’re going to be supportive, be it. If you are unhappy about all this and need to say it, step up and do that. Waffling around with ‘teasing’ comments is not constructive.

8

'Cause God counts the molecules! Not enough molecules, not enough salvation - it’s that simple.

I guess… I’m not too sure why God would care either way. :wink:

9

My comments to your wife would be that it’s perfectly acceptable to have a religious ceremony like a baptism held privately, there’s no “chickening out” if she wants to move it to another day. It’s not a drag race.

My comments your you are that you should figure out what specifically bothers you about all this, and then talk about this with your wife. It sounds like you were both ostensibly Catholic when you got married, you had your kids baptized, so you can’t really say you never agreed have religion in your house – but maybe you’ve changed your mind over the years? Or didn’t expect your wife would take it to this level? You mention the friends at church, is the influence they have on her that is bothering you? Or is it entirely different, the people at her church are perfectly nice but you have a problem with the organization? Would it be different if she became a daily-mass Catholic? If it is something like the friends/influence, then that’s something you can talk about pretty directly. But you have to be able to express that to her first.

I agree about the passive-agressive jokes but I think it does sound like you want to try to be supportive. Just, you know, figure out exactly what parts you can and can’t support.

10

It’s a ceremony. It has no more power than what you assign to it.

And I attend such a church described in the OP. It’s really not the baroque horror that a lot of people think such churches are.

11

Though he’d object to the phrasing, my father’s explanation of why total immersion is necessary to avoid going to hell basically comes down to That*'s the way the magic works.*

12

There’s specific things I don’t like about the church, but that’s not really it. When we got married I agreed to raise our kids Catholic and go to church as often or as little as she wanted me to. That was the bargain. I think it really comes down to the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. She’s making me confront my prejudices about born-again Christians. Also, I don’t know what our future looks like. Even if she went back to being a devout Catholic, I know what that future looks like, and I’m ok with it. This path, however, is unknown to me.

My biggest fear, which is something we’ve already had a deep talk over, is that this church alienates me from my kids. Unlike the Catholic church, this church is very concerned about saving people. Everyone’s constantly asking if so and so is saved, and if not, there’s an implied (and sometimes explicit) effort to save that person. My greatest fear is that my kids get to be teenagers and freak out that I’m not saved.

That’s probably an irrational concern, fueled by fear of the unknown, but it is what it is. In any case, you’ve all made me realize that my “clever” comments really are being passive aggressive, so I’ll knock that off. It’s going to take me a couple of years to get used to all of this, but in the meanwhile I can’t be supportive and snarky at the same time. The important part, and I can’t stress this enough, is that she’s still the same person I married. And I need to focus on that.

Incidentally, we told our parents. My folks are being absolutely great about it, and her parents reacted exactly the opposite of what we expected. Mom was cool with it, although she prays daily that we’ll go back to the Catholic church. Dad was a bit less cool with it, throwing out some snark of his own. There’s still a few more relatives she’s worried about, but the rough part is over without issue.

13

It sounds as if you two will be able to work this out. I, too, am one who responds to discomfort with humour, snarky or not, and my spouse also has a hard time with that, so that’s just something you <and I> will learn to tone down on. :stuck_out_tongue:
I’m not sure how your children are, but I grew up with folks rather non-religious, with us kids being free to choose whatever we wanted, and I don’t recall ever feeling weird that my folks weren’t going to church when we did. We didn’t go the Catholic route, though, and so didn’t have the ‘if you don’t belong you’re wrong’ thing making anyone uncomfortable.

ETA: A couple of years ago, my sweetie’s boys from a previous marriage took communion, or something, with their mother’s nearby church. It was a nice little ceremony that fell on Christmas Eve.
Now they and mom are going to a Quaker church; I really don’t know what the boys are thinking along the lines of church loyalty, but I <personally> think it’s not a bad idea to have different viewpoints and exposure to different ways of thinking. I think that letting them know you and your wife are together on whatever the kid or kids want to do is probably more important than anything, and from the sounds of it, you guys are doing well with figuring things out, rather than just letting things ride and possibly build up. Kids know when something’s not quite right, so keeping everything out in the open and talking about it is probably a good idea.

14

If that does happen, it will be a great opportunity to teach them a lesson about respect and how we should respect other people’s individuality, their religious views, etc. You will be able to use this current situation of how you respected their mom’s decisions as an example.

15

Because he’s God. If Peter Criss can demand a certain kind of potato chip, and Van Halen can demand certain colors of M&Ms, then God can damn well demand full immersion!

16

I’ve actually addressed this with my wife: “Laura, if you get involved in some freak-assed religion (or worst, become a Baptist*), it’s over, baby, OVER!”

I was, like, ~85% kidding when I said that.

I think.

17

Baptism is just a symbol, so who really cares. It’s like saying if you lose your wedding ring your marriage will break up. The ring is a symbol, so is the baptism.

She should do it if she really wants to. As for you, you can do it for her, it doesn’t matter if you’re only going through the motions, if you’re doing it for her.

As Laura Petrie says

“My mother told me whenever I get into a cab to make sure the picture in the back of the cab matches the driver. I don’t know what good it does, but you do things for your mother.”

18

For some denominations it’s more than a symbol, even a requirement for salvation.

19

Absolutely. Dump the bitch!

If she can believe this kind of crap, and start to act on it, get away from her. And get your children away, too.

20

She’s a witch! Burn her! :dubious: