I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as the perfect mother. Every woman walking the earth who has ever squeezed out their adorable little parasite and then attempted to shape it into a sane, stable, and happy adult has fucked up somewhere along the way. That’s a given. If they’re lucky though, they do less harm than good and end up with children who not only move out on their own some day but even come back for a visit now and again.
I’ve three sons myself, and am often grateful simply that we’ve gotten through another day without (too many) tears and little if any bloodshed. But I keep trying–I think most mothers do–to give my kids a loving home, to instill good values, to see that most of their memories are pleasant and some of them extraordinary. Whether I will succeed remains to be seen–the proof is in the pudding, as they say. Or, in this case, in the mature, loving, non-serial killing men I hope to raise.
So, let’s hear if for all the things–big and little–*your *mother did for you as a child that shaped your character in a positive way. Bedtime stories? Home-cooked meals? Cultural events? Well-deserved spankings? What did your mother do right?
Most of the stuff she was supposed to do - read to me, took me to the library, gave me some home-training, etc.
Some of the IMHO important stuff that I notice many other people of the same class didn’t get:
my parents took me along to places where I had to behave in nice restaurants and get along with adults. I have friends who STILL can’t have a nice pleasant conversation with older adult strangers, and we’re 30!
talked to me like a grownup (granted, she stayed home and we lived in the middle of nowhere, so I guess it was pretend I was an adult or go crazy for her)
home cooked meals, of course (remember, we lived in the middle of nowhere) and dinner ALWAYS eaten at the table as a family
In Junior High, I didn’t do too well in school. I always tested well, but I never did my homework, so my grades were abysmal if the teacher graded too much based on classwork. Basically, I was bored.
One time, during a parent-teacher conference, the Assistant Principal suggested to my mother that the reason wasn’t doing too well in school was because I might be on drugs. She laughed in his face.
My mom never told me I couldn’t do something. Well, she told me I couldn’t stick a fork in the toaster or play with fire just because I was bored (though my dad was a lot more lenient with that whole fire thing) but she never told me I couldn’t do or be whatever I wanted. When I wanted to be an actress she said that was fine but I had to finish school first and then made sure to enroll me in lots of theater classes. When I wanted to date boys she didn’t particularly like she didn’t say a word but sat up and waited to make sure I got home okay. After I grew up and moved out of the house and decided I wanted to go to New York she didn’t tell me I couldn’t even though she did not want me to go. She helped me find movers and sell my car despite the fact that she hated me leaving because she respected my choice to go. Sometimes she makes me want to tear out my hair in frustration but mostly she was and continues to be a pretty cool mom.
She bought the Encyclopedias that were my best friends. And loads of other books. She also gave me more freedom than I truly deserved. Never judged me that I can recall, I brought home many a ‘young lady’ that may have been ‘unsuitable’.
When it really mattered, she fought for me. At least, when I let her know I needed fighting for. In first grade when I wanted to quit after three weeks, she went to the school and talked my teacher into letting me bring my reading book home. (I didn’t see any point in sticking around if they weren’t teaching me to read.)
And somehow I always knew she loved me. We really didn’t see eye-to-eye at times, and I’ll always be grateful for the time I spent out of state, even if it was during my stinky first marriage, because it let us be friends when I got back.
And speaking of that marriage, when it got unbearable and I bounced back home, she never once said, “I told you so.”
She instilled a rough sense of morality into her little barbarian horde–none of us went to jail, although my brother Tommy came close.
She was the financial manager–getting amazing deals on food Her, Dad, Grandma, 3 boys, a girl, & assorted pets eat a lot), budgeting, & reigning-in my Dad’s occasional, nutty, get-rich-quick-schemes.
My mother did all the good mommy things that TV moms do—baked cookies with me, instilled a love of the printed page, let me get dirty–that type of thing. I feel the best thing she did for me was go to bat for me up against my father. He was and is a good man but he would have wrapped me in cotton and kept me safe from every hurt if he’d had his way. Anything new was met with initial resistance by my dad and Mom would say “Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.”
She made sure my sisters and I had Tonka toys to play with. This was not a common thing in the very early sixties. She had enjoyed playing with her brothers’ toys and didn’t see why we should be deprived just because we didn’t have any brothers.
She taught me the true definition of class by being classy. To this day, I damn sure recognize it when I see it.
She sacrifced for me on such a fundamental level that I didn’t even notice it. I honestly believed in my heart that she never wanted the last piece of pizza or apple pie, even though she loved apple pie more than anything.
She allowed my dad to be the one to educate me, and allowed him to teach me about things, even though he taught the opposite of what she believed (Christianity).
She taught me by example to detest hypocrisy and being judgmental.
Holy crap, I love my mom, I’m going to hug her so tight when I see her!
Seriously: in an effort to broaden my horizons, she introduced me to “culture,” such as it was in the Midwest in the late 70s/early 80s. Symphony, opera, theater (that never stuck), fine food from different cultures (one look at my waistline, and you’ll know too much of that stuck!).
Self-reliance was required at an early age. By the time I was in first grade, I had my own alarm clock and was required to get myself up and get myself ready for school. After school, we were in charge of getting our chores and our homework done, and being showered and in bed by nine. There were no reminders, just punishments if we failed to get things done on time. By the same token, she required my three sisters and I to work out all disagreements on our own. Mom was there for advice and assistance, not as a nursemaid or a warden.
It completely floors me when I hear my friends talking about how they can’t get their teenagers(!) up for school in time in the morning. Of course they can’t. Helicopter parenting teaches kids nothing.
My mom specifically, gave me lots of freedom, always made sure I had her non-judgemental opinion, and never pretended she was anything but another person trying to figure the world out.
The only thing I can really fault my parents for is that they didn’t teach me any sense of fiscal responsibility.
And I feel odd putting that out there, as I don’t know what it is they didn’t teach me! I am still fiscally irresponsible, and I am not sure how not to be.
So basically, while I had a horrid adolescence, I don’t blame them for it, and I think that the reason I turned out as well as I did is due to their ‘training’ of me, mostly by making me think critically about what I read and treating me as a strange, small adult.
And they both adore my daughter. That makes me love both of them.
She read to me, took me to the library and constantly handed me books she thought I might like.
She gave my brothers and I tools and wood and taught us how to use them. Let us build things all over backyard and never complained. And all over her house and rarely complained.
Was there for me every time I failed. Put me on horses, drove me to 30+ minutes each way to the barn, multiple times a week, and to the hospital when I crashed. We couldn’t afford for me to ride and show a lot, but if I was out there I could work and learn, and she gave me that opportunity.
When I started my period, she bought me my favorite kind of cake from my favorite bakery, and didn’t tell my brothers or dad why, just said she wanted a cake.
Gave me really nice jewelry. Went to Europe with me when I had my heart set on it. Cried when I graduated. My mom’s great.
