I was musing the other day about living with my current sweetie (we don’t currently have any plans to move in). I realized that a lot of the maybe-negative things that I occasionally do when alone in my apartment (eating stupid stuff, gaming for hours, mainlining porn, letting messes accumulate) I would probably not do if she was there all the time.
Part of me thinks that would be cool, and a net positive for me, my health, my career, etc. But part of me is like, wait, why would you not do those things? Shame? If so, why the heck are you doing them now? And what about your man-freedom? Because I would miss that.
So to make this IMHO- people with live-in-sweeties (married or not). Does the presence of your SO make you live better? Is so, how? If not, why not?
Well, you’ve just listed all the reasons that social scientists list when they write about why marriage benefits men; they wind up healthier and with better careers because women make them eat better and all that stuff. So I guess you could go out and get a book about it from the library.
My husband helps me live better. I’m more likely to cook healthy meals at home rather than getting something from the drive-through, because there are two of us to cook for. I’m more likely to drag myself to the gym, because there’s someone I want to look good for. I’m more likely to try new things, because I have someone to try them with, or at least someone to encourage me. (I’m making my first ever appearance in a community theater production soon, partly because my husband helped convince me that I would have fun doing it.)
My husband has a good effect on me, particularly in terms of keeping a regular schedule. I swear he can’t sleep past 7:30 am. I’m not always up that early unless I have to be somewhere, but I don’t think I’ve spent any Saturdays sleeping until dinner time since we were married (unless maybe I had the flu or something). For a while I was getting up at 5:30 to go to the gym with him, but love can only go so far.
For food I don’t know if the effect has been positive. I tend to serve myself the same amount as I serve him. The calorie math doesn’t really support that. Plus, he loves spicy stuff and hates bland stuff. I like spicy stuff, too, but much of it doesn’t like me and making him what he loves has resulted in a few regrettable episodes when I give in to temptation.
We give each other lots of good advice about stuff. In general I do feel living with him has made me a much better, more patient, more mature person.
Would your porn intake decrease due to a corresponging rise in actual nookie? If so, that’s a bonus right there, assuming, you know, you can get her to do the stuff the girls on teh internets do that keeps bringing you back to them.
It’s not so much that I am a porn freak, but it’s indicative of what I do when she’s not around- I occasionally will binge on stuff that in moderation would be OK- it’s more the binging than the stuff, ifyouknowwhatimean. It’s not a constant problem but I think having someone around whose opinion I care about would make me a little more disciplined.
That may not count as actual discipline, but I would take it.
From my experience of living with women (3), I’d have to say that there’s a bit of both.
My live-in g/fs have gotten me to hold myself to higher standards, while I’ve gotten them to lighten up.
For instance: I now wash dishes every night, put the TP on the roll instead of the back of the can, put my socks in the hamper and clean the litterbox regularly.
On the other side of the equation, [she] doesn’t mind leaving her shoes at the bottom of the stairs, plays video games and has become an expert player at “what’s that smell?”
Honestly, though–I cherish the times she’s out of the house. That’s when I can walk around in my underwear, eat mac and cheese straight out of the pot, and masturbate while playing video games and watching bad sci-fi. That is, I could if I wanted to.*
Just like with any aspect of a relationship, there’s going to be a give and take. You will both change. In some ways for the better, in some…not so much.
The key would be in setting the boundaries and making compromises upon move-in. “Honey, on Saturday evenings from 5-9, I will be in front of my computer, playing video games. I’ll try to limit it, but I can’t promise I’ll succeed. After that, we can watch porn!”
YMMV, of course.
what I actually do, however, is wash dishes, do laundry, vacuum and start dinner. Dammit.
I’m definitely a better person since I started seeing my boyfriend.
I clean more (I was a horrible slob on my own) and keep up with my grooming more often, since I care what he thinks about my appearance.
In general he just motivates me more. It’s not that I didn’t care about things before, it’s just that I actually do something about it now.
Unfortunately I don’t eat as many vegetables or fruits since living with him. We’ll have to work on that one.
As for my effect on him, I know he’s more relaxed (I’m very laid back and I guess it rubbed off), but other than that I don’t really know. I have a feeling he cleans a little less, but our roommate thinks he’s a dirty fellow, and apparently thought so even before we met.
If you don’t change any of those behaviors, she isn’t likely to stick around long (no partner will). So the question in part is do you want to be the weird old porn guy who orders pizzas every day and no one knows he’s dead until there is a funny smell in the neighborhood; or do you want to create some space in your life for another person?
You both will have an impact on how the other one lives his/her life. In a good relationship, it is for the better for both people; in a bad one, one person’s life improves and the other person’s quality of life declines (the US cranked out a lot of this type in the 1950s); in a really bad relationship not only do both partners suffer, but so do the neighbors who have to hear the shouting. Welcome to adulthood, enjoy.
So, would I drag her down, or would she make me better?
In my case, the result was neither. Living together has demonstrated that we have different standards (or neuroses, as I’d describe it…) and we both stubbornly adhere to them. Consequently we are soon to move out and away from each other… / fug it.
When my fiancee and I moved in together, I’d definitely say that she made me better. It’s not that I was a slob before we moved in together, but our standards of “clean” were significanlty different. At first she would just clean up after me. Then slowly, she would introduce little chores for me to do, until I found myself keeping my messes nearly as clean as her standards. And I’m glad that I have.
If that doesn’t make sense, here’s an example. My idea of cleaning up after I eat was moving all the dishes and cooking utensils to the sink. Then, when stuff piled up, I’d spend an hour doing dishes. Her idea of cleaning up is taking everything to the sink, rinsing it off and putting it in the dishwasher. And ya know what? It sure makes things easier. Sure it takes a bit longer than dumping things off at the sink and moving on, but pasta is soooo much easier to get off the pan if you rinse it off imediately.
Another reason that I’m glad we’ve moved in together. While I was in college and for 5 months afterward, when I was done with whatever I had to do for the evening, I would open a beer or mix a drink. I wouldn’t just drink one or two, I would get loaded. I’m pretty sure I was well on my way to alcoholism. I still drink, but only one or two nights a week, and rarely by myself. It’s amazing how much money that saves.
I dont’ know if this does anything to answer your question, but in my case I’m glad I did.
Living with me definitely made my (now) husband less of a slob. I was the organiser of cleaning in the first year (i.e. I’ll do the vacumming, you’ll do the laundry today). After that I stopped organising the cleaning and in some cases stopped cleaning altogether. He soon noticed that the house was getting messy and definitely preferred it when it was tidy!
Here we are, ten years later, and he is better at the housework than me!!
I lived with a girl who made my man-life miserable.
I like watching horror movies in my boxers with a beer in my hand, but it always disgusted her. She hated my porn collection but that’s what guys my age (at the time, I was 22) had. So I found myself hiding some of these habits for her, waiting and praying for her to take a weekend trip with her friends or family so I could have time to myself again.
I’ve grown up a little now and I think I’d do better with it. There was benefits to the situation, like better food and a cleaner house. But I also think I resented her a little.
wasson raises a good point. Some girlfriends’ “just trying to help you lead a better life” is some boyfriends’ “controlling psycho bitch.” If having your girlfriend in residence raises your blood pressure, makes you sullen and leaves you embittered for past pleasures now involuntarily dropped, it won’t be a good situation for either of you.
My girlfriend and I lived together for a year. I was no slob before she moved in, but she did raise the level of hygiene a bit. It made me happy to have her around more often than she had been, and we discovered lots of things - mostly good - about each other that we wouldn’t have known otherwise. We grew closer together. She’s a good cook and my diet definitely improved; I became the kitchen cleaner-upper. It was a joy to wake up next to her each morning. Definitely more nookie than previously (but I was never a porn junkie before that anyway). And I knew I’d gotten her hooked on Star Trek: The Next Generation when I was once going out of town on a weekend trip and she asked me, unprompted, what time the show was on Saturday.
We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. My life would be far poorer and unhappier without her.
I think that this is basically my way of realizing that I may want to spend my life with this person. Where I have to fool myself into it by figuring out the benefits that I would derive from the situation.
Honestly I’m a bit suprised that I am even considering it. But I guess that is how it happens. I’m pretty confident that having her aorund would be good for me. I just want to use that as motivation so that I don’t need her around to be the best me I can be. THen when she shows up, I won’t resent her.
/ fug it.