So you want a man who knows how to treat a lady. Well, how do you treat your man?

In My Humble Opinion
41

prisoner6655321 - Why don’t YOU tell us what it means to YOU to be “treated right”, and then we can tell you if we do that or not.

As far as your question about what the compeition asks for, I don’t know if it means being “treated right”, but what seems to be the equivalent request at least in terms of frequency that you see in almost every man’s personal is that they want a woman who is “fun-loving” - which seems to be code for a woman who won’t give them a hard time for going out with the boys or watching sports whenever they feel like it.

I think the core of the issue is that many women feel like we do nothing BUT give in a relationship - try to cater to the guys needs, whatever that particular guy needs- and don’t receive much in return. For example, in my last relationship, the guy wanted full body massages every single time I saw him, which I was happy to do - after the first couple times, he didn’t need to ask, it was just assumed. But he never cared if he did anything back that I would have appreciated as much as what I did for him. I kept telling him that I wanted cuddle time/basic affection as repayment and never got it. So I left. I think women who say they want to be treated like a lady are really trying to say that they don’t want to be the only one trying to meet the other’s needs.

Either that, or I agree with astro. :slight_smile:

42

Ok. When I read the OP, my first instinct was to make a smart-arse remark. Instead, I’m going to share with you the advice my mother gave to me before I moved with my boyfriend:

“If you make it your no.1 priority to make him happy, and he does the same for you, there won’t be 2 happier people in the whole bloody city.”

My mum, I should point out, is the ultimate, circa 1970s Womens Movement, militant feminist. But as she would tell you, it was never about putting women in charge of men. It was about equality.

So I follow her advice, and I don’t always succeed, and neither does he, but mostly, our lives revolve around making each happy.

I can kind of see your point, but it’s not about gender, it’s about the new rules society has given us. We are living in a very “Me” centered society. We are not encouraged to put the happiness of others above our own. It’s all about what I want, what I deserve, what I need. We become so used to putting our own needs first, we forget about other peoples.

43

Your mother is a very wise woman, Jenny. I don’t think I’d mind turning into my mom if I were you.

I also think that Thinks2Much has a really good point–many women do see their relationships as give-and-take…where she gives and he takes. I don’t know if that’s a function of women tending more towards being nurturing than men, or if it’s a function of everyone’s natural tendency to inflate their own contributions and downplay others’, or what, but it is a pretty common perception. Depressingly common, really.

What, exactly, constitutes showing she loves and respects you? Waiting on you hand and foot and providing daily blowjobs? Saying please and thank you when you trot out the chivalry stuff? Folding the newspaper back up the way you like it when she’s done reading it? What? As others have pointed out, we can’t tell you if we measure up when we don’t know what your standards are.

44

That depends. What kind of car do you drive?

Ha! I kill me.

45

How many times do I have to tell you people that this duscussion isn’t about me. I wasn’t asking for advice. I was making an observation. I only gave myself as an example because I know it best.

Still, thanks for the encouraging thoughts and concerns. I give in. Let’s talk about me. :smiley:

I don’t think I’m expecting too much. Basically, I want to feel like a boyfriend.

I enjoy, I really truly enjoy giving pleasure. I love giving massages. I like taking care of my girl. I like making breakfast in the morning for her. I like planning things. I like cuddling and carressing. But I don’t want to be the only giver in the relationship.

When I go to a party with the girl, I want her there with me. She is my date. We are there together. I don’t want her running off dancing with and chatting up every other guy in the room and only save me one dance and only hangs out with me for a few minutes. If we are somewhere on a date, then well, I’d like to spend some time with her. Is that too much to ask?

I am romantic. I loove giving little cheap (and expensive sometimes) gifts to remind her of me. I’d like to receive a card, a little gift out of the vending machine, or even a stuffed teddy bear or something from time to time. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I just want to know that she cares about me and that she thinks about me when I’m not there.

I don’t expect to be the only guy (but yes-only boyfriend) in her life. I don’t expect her to wait on me hand and foot. I don’t expect her to be a baby machine, or a sex machine. (I am a christian.) I want a girl with a life. And I want a girl that wants me to have a life. And I want a girl that is willing to share her life with me and wants to be a part of my life.

I expect to be treated like a first class person in her life. If she has any long term plans with me, she will treat me equally as well as her best friends, parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, etc. Which means, she won’t hang up on me the second any other person calls. Of course if the other person needs her then that’s okay. And of course she deserves to talk to her friends. I don’t mind if she wants to just chat with her best friend. But if every single time I’m talking to her and someone else calls she chooses them over me, I don’t like that. The spouse is supposed to be the number one human in your life. The boyfriend/girlfriend is a pre-spouse. They deserve to be treated similarily. Maybe not number one yet, not until you exchange vows or at least get engaged. So just under #1. But that doesn’t mean the boyfriend/girlfriend should be treated like #2 either!! He/she should be treated just as well as the other important people in her life. I don’t like feeling unimportant to her. I don’t like being treated like a second-class relationship.

Please don’t take the previous paragraph to the extreme. I don’t mean I expect to be with her or talking to her every second of the day. I just want her to follow some freaking etiquette. If she is with me, she shouldn’t just leave or hang up the second someone else, anyone else, grabs her attention. It gives the impression that she is looking for an excuse to get away from me.

Bottom line… I hear lots of girls described like Thinks2Much said, “Many women feel like we do nothing BUT give in a relationship.” Well introduce those girls to me. I’ve never dated a giver. Any giver would love me. When these girls complain about all the things they do for their boyfriends and the things they want their boyfriends to do for them, I always shout out, “BUT I DO THOSE THINGS!!!” Why are you with that asshole instead of ME!

And try to understand that it’s not something that I’m doing. The girls I date don’t change when they are with me. They treat all guys the same. This is who they are. And their friends do the same. I’ve participated in discussions with them about relationships. And my friends and coworkers and just guys in general act as if the girls that don’t reciprocate my affection are normal. And don’t say I need to look for dates elsewhere. I look everywhere. As I said, dance studio, clubs, supermarkets, church, anywhere. The girls (at least in Houston) are changing,becoming more selfish and worldly (even the christian ones). The girls that complain about being the only giver are becoming more and more rare. And that is what I am talking about in this discussion. It seems to me that the world IS as Jennyrosity said: very “Me” centered. The world is changing. And I don’t like it one bit. Not one bit at all.

46

prisoner6655321 You sure you want to stay in Houston? I’ll date you if you move to the Chicago area. :wink:

It sounds like part of the problem is that you are attracted to your opposite - extroverted women. Many of the things you describe as annoying tend to just be part of the package when someone is very gregarious.

I do all the things you said, from staying with you on a date to not even answering calls on the other line if I am on the phone with you, to doing little thoughtful things like cards and gifts. I have never found any men like you in person, either - so there. :stuck_out_tongue: According to our respective data samples, neither you nor I exist.

47

I treat my man like he should be treated. He is my slave. He remains around my house half-nakkid and is always ready for sex. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry and massages my feet when I come home from work tired. He never says anything that disagrees with me unless he wants some kinky sex.

It is any wonder I don’t have a boyfriend? :smiley:

But seriously, if I did treat my guys like that and made it public knowledge, I bet you good money I could find a ton of guys willing to ‘date’ me. People are individuals and we all want different things out of a relationship. Everyone is going to say they treat their man well because they are treating him how he wants to be treated (if they are doing it right).

Some girls wanted to pamper, wined, dined and have everything paid for them. They will bitch and moan if you ask them to lift a finger. That’s just how they are and while I would never date them if I was a man, I have known tons of those girls and a good deal of them aren’t at a loss for men.

I guess you could say I wore the pants in my last relationship and if you have a problem with that, then you got problems. There are tons of guys who prefer to be the ‘girl.’ He cooked, cleaned and spent most of his time in our apartment while I was out working. I paid (and still do when we met up to go to movies or dinner now) for him. I like paying for guys because I am very proud of my money. I don’t want my boyfriend to worship me, he’s got to love me terribly, of course, but I want to be equals.

I don’t want to have kids so I’m never going to be laying around the house in the future. I work and will continue to work, so I will have just as much, if not more money than my husband (if i ever get married). Because of that, we are going to be treating each other different than the stereotypical male/female relationship and that isn’t wrong.

And, in no way do I consider the typical relationship less. I know a good deal of girls and guys who want to do things the ‘old-fashioned’ way. As long as everybody is happy and healthy in the relationship, it is fine by my book.

48

Well, now that you mention it, I am looking for work all around the US. If I end up in Chicago I’ll give you a call. :smiley:

You might have a point. I am quite shy and find it far easier to get together with a girl when she makes me comfortable. And generally an outgoing girl makes me more comfortable. Not that I’m not attracted to a shy girl. Quite the contrary actually. Maybe there is a group of girls I have been missing.

Just a little off topic reminder. I noticed Thinks2Much that you are at 499 posts. Congrats. Don’t waste it. :smiley:

49

I suppose this echos what others have said, but I like to be treated like a lady and I fully reciprocate that treatment. My SO and I do for each other. We take care of each other’s needs when we can. I like to cook him nice dinners and give him what he needs sexually. Sometimes he cleans up or runs to the store at 10 when I want ice cream. It’s equal.

I would never expect a man to cater to my every whim without doing anything. That’s not realistic. When we go out, we take turns paying. He spoils me a little and I spoil him a little, but our relationship isn’t about material things. It’s about love and being together. We try really hard to be understanding about what’s going on in the other’s life. Our relationship is a little complicated because he has two children from a previous relationship and I have one. That means we have a lot of compromise with time, etc. We don’t go out a lot, but we make up for it by spending lots of time together at home.

I’m lucky though, I’ve dated many bad ones to find this good guy. It’s taken my whole life and I don’t plan to ever let him go.

50

So basically, you want to be treated the way I and pretty much all of my female friends want to be treated, and the way we treat our partners. (Let’s not get started on the whole “partner=gay” thing again, eh? That’s a point where we’ll just have to agree to disagree.) So yes, I’d have to say that you’re certainly missing a very significant part of the female population. I’d also have to say that you desperately need to revamp your dating criteria if such basic standards aren’t being met. Where are you meeting all these self-obsessed twerps you date, anyway?

(I will have to admit that I frequently click over to my mother if she calls while I’m on the phone with Dr.J. Yeah, I know, he’s my husband and all, but he’s going to be home in a few hours and we can talk then. I see my mother three times a year, tops, and talk with her a maximum of once a week. When she calls long-distance, he gets bumped. So far he doesn’t seem horribly offended. And I have to disagree with you that a boyfriend should automatically be as important to you as family and long-term friends. No man I’ve known for a matter of weeks or months gets equal billing with people who have loved and supported me for decades. Past the year mark, maybe. )

51

Do you think that maybe you’re a Nice Guy?

Recently discussed in this thread: In which I pit Nice Guys

52

Why is it time that is the deciding factor for when someone is as important to you as your friends? Many people meet and marry in a matter of months (or less) and have happily-ever-after marriages. A year seems pretty arbitrary. What if we lived on Mars or in space? 365 days wouldn’t make any sense then. Does it always take 365 days for you to fall in love? No. 'Course not. It varies from person to person. Regardless of time, you should treat someone who is important to you as if they are important to you. So when you choose your friends over your boyfriend, then you are telling him that he is less important to you than them. That might be true, especially early on. And that’s okay, at the beginning. I have friends too. But eventually my girl becomes more important, and I hope that I become more important to her too.

I believe that when you fall in love with the person, you should treat them special. Love is when the object of your affection is at least as important to you as your best friend and your grandmother. Falling in love with someone is recognizing that they are more important to you than yourself, and at least as important to you as your closest friends and family. So, if that person is just as important to you as your best friend, why don’t you treat him/her that way?

Now, there are extenuating circumstances when dealing with time with my best girl. Naturally if she hasn’t talked to someone in a long time, it’s perfectly understood if she wants to talk to that person. If it’s life and death, or even a little bit of a problem, it’s okay. I know, friends need help sometimes. And if my girl has the shoulder to cry on, she needs to be there for her friends. But if it’s just to chat with a co-worker, or a family member she sees weekly, or, heaven forbid, daily (as happened with my last girlfriend on a regular basis), they can wait while we finish our conversation. I’m not asking to monopolize her time or anything either. If she is on the phone with her best friend that she saw an hour earlier, I’ll understand if she wants to finish her conversation. But I’d appreciate a call when she is finished, unless she can’t. But if she can’t, then she’ll tell me that she can’t and won’t just leave me waiting by the phone.

And, oh I forgot this one. If we are together, like on a date or something and someone calls her on her cell phone, it’s not very polite to chat with that person for 15 minutes while all I can do is stare at her. That doesn’t have anything to do with boyfriend/girlfriend though. That’s just etiquette. If you are hanging out with someone and someone else calls, it’s just plain rude to ignore the person you are with. This happens a lot to me. Another sign that our society is crumbling.

After I get married I anticipate a lot of things will become a lot easier. Divorce is a big deal. It’s not just breaking up. So chances are little things won’t separate us. (Maybe tons of little things, but anyhow…) So a little bit of the burden and worry about the relationship is released. I don’t have to worry that she might break up with me. She picked me. I am number one. I live with her. I see her daily. I talk with her daily. I sleep with her. I get her kisses and hugs. I raise and care for her children. I go on vacations with her. I have Thanksgiving dinner with her. I get the new years kiss. All of those thing I can be assured of, because I deserve it, because she picked me. Then I won’t mind so much if we go to a party and she wants to dance with other men. I know that she’s going home with me. Yes, I realize that a lot of this is related to trust. I guess the last girlfriends I had I didn’t really trust. But that was mostly because they didn’t treat me as if I was important.

So, where do I meet all of these nice girls? Hmmm…

53

For me, something really important (family or friends in the hospital and someone calling with an update, for example) or time-sensitive (where and when we’re meeting for dinner tonight, for example) takes precedence over chit-chat. No matter who any of the parties involved might be. But I don’t really like chatting on the phone that much.

Oh, and remember, some of us don’t have Caller ID, so we don’t know who’s calling without going over to that call. Of course, in that case, I don’t hang up on the person I was talking to earlier, unless putting them on hold counts.

54

Yeah, I don’t think that’s me. I’m not the opposite of asshole guys. I try to treat her like I like to be treated.

I’ll repost some of the things this trever guy did and reply to them:

I don’t think I fall too soon. Is the 3rd date too soon? :smiley: J.K. Seriously. My last girlfriend, it took maybe a month or what? 6 weeks for both of us to fess up (to ourselves) that we did actually really really like the other, that there could be a future there.

I don’t pretend to be interested in what you have to say. If I am trying to get to know a girl, I will be interested in what she is saying. I am a listener. But I do have things to say too.

Well, even though you might look at this thread and think that I am blaming all women for being selfish, I do learn lessons from my relationships. And I have grown enourmously in 2004, perhaps more than any single year in my life. Believe me, I have learned lessons from my girlfriends. But there is another common factor, they were also selfish. I didn’t make them selfish. And I think we all are confirming that I don’t expect too much either.

That’s just stupid. As an example, while I am dancing with a girl I inevitably always screw something up. A lot of girls will often apologize, but I will ALWAYS fess up, “No! That was totally my fault! Let’s try again!” But I don’t do it to get a compliment. I say it because it’s true and I don’t want to discourage her. I want her to feel comfortable dancing with me. And I want her help to get it right the next time. And I want her to help make me a better dancer.

Maybe that wasn’t the best of examples. Sorry. Basically, I don’t have an agenda when I am first talking with a girl I’m interested in. I don’t fish for compliments. I like them but I don’t fish for them. If a girl doesn’t compliment me, then well, she must not like me. Well, maybe I do have an agena, but the agenda is only to see if she has anything more to offer me than looks and if I would be compatible with her.

So, nice guy? I try to be one, but “nice guy”. Nope, not me.

Anne NevilleTalking on the phone is just an example that I figured we all could relate to. I’m just asking for some courtesy, etiquette, respect, and assurance that I am important to her. That could be given on the phone, on the web, or in person. It could be given with gifts, with affection, compliments, or with time. I just want to feel like her boyfriend. I (eventually) want to feel like she thinks of me as her husband, or soon to be husband. I want her to trust me and show trust and be trustworthy. I’m sure you agree that it’s not too much.

55

Not to point fingers at anyone or anything, as I struggle with this thought myself - but isn’t it selfish to wish other people weren’t so selfish?

56

I am also quite shy and always went for the outgoing ones, until I realized that was the source of my problems. It can be a little slow at the beginning when two shy people come together, but it is worth the extra effort. As far as where to find them, dancing isn’t going to be it. The library, special interest clubs, hobby type classes through the community college, or despite your obvious distaste for it, I have had the best luck meeting people similar to myself through on-line personals.

And I did waste my 500th post, despite seeing your reminder. Oh well. :slight_smile:

57

My point, really, is that different people show that a person is important to them in different ways. One of the ways I show it for Mr Neville is that, when we’re eating bread (real, crusty bread, of course), I give him the bread ends, because I know he likes them (I like them OK too, but he likes them more). He doesn’t leave voice mail messages for me unless it’s really important, because he knows I find voice mail annoying. Other people (who don’t like bread ends and don’t mind voice mail) might express the exact same feeling in the opposite way.

Bear in mind that we didn’t start out knowing those things about each other. Our showing how important the other is to us is an ongoing process of finding out what the other likes, and doing it. Have you told your girlfriends how much it annoys you when they always hang up on you when someone else calls (or other things that they do)? Women’s intuition is highly overrated IMO, and some of us don’t seem to have it at all.

Absolutely you should expect respect and courtesy from any girlfriend, or any friend for that matter.

58

Oh, I don’t have a distaste for online personals. I just haven’t found anyone worth meeting outside the web yet. I am a member of match.com and eharmony. I like match.com more. At least you can see all of the members and they do have a very powerful search engine, not to mention personality matches and appearance matches, which eharmony totally ignores. (I’m sorry, call me shallow, but there are just some types I just can’t get attracted to, no matter how great their personality is.) Why doesn’t eharmony realize this? I know a girl of my dreams is on eHarmony, but they won’t introduce me to her. Their standards are just too high.

As to the other suggestions, hmmm… I don’t go to the library all that often. But bookstores are popular around here, especially the Barnes&Nobles with the attached Starbucks. Special interest clubs: isn’t dancing a special interest club? Now I don’t mean dance clubs. I go to a studio more than dance clubs. I interact with all of the girls in my dance studio. The nice girls are there, but not too many I would want to date. But I am going to another dance studio too. I just started a few weeks ago. Other clubs, I thought about maybe taking some classes with Leisure Learning. Maybe some cooking or writing classes. Might some girls be found there? I’ll find out.

59

Boy, that hit home. A bit over 12 years ago my S.O. informed me, and I quote without missing a word because it’s burned rather well into my head,

Ahem. :frowning:

I think the word “partner” is brilliant. It connotes nothing as far as sexual orientation and everything as far as working together. Respecting together. Wanna dig a garden? Fine. Do it together. Know something he doesn’t know, and wants to learn to do? Fine. Teach him to knead dough together. Wish for quiet time alone to decompress when arriving home from work? Great. Make sure your partner is aware of this need, and hope he/she respects it. Love the word partner, it is a glowing ideal.

The courtly manners may seem stale to a lot of folks, especially in this post-post-post-retro-post-feminist world. I hold doors for everyone. I was taught that basic manners must be gender-neutral. Nothing wrong with being well-mannered, I think. It is not a chip to be cashed in later on in the evening at the Bank of Underpants, North America, but rather an end to itself.

I know how I wish I were treated. It has nothing to do with how I am. -shrug- such is life. I admire the O.P.'er for asking straightforward questions that most guys wouldn’t ask. More power to ya.

Cartooniverse

60

Naturally I tell them. I’m nice about it too, so none of this “no wonder you’re alone. You treat your girls like a jerk.”

But don’t you have to admit that now that we have to tell people that they are rude is evidence of the worsening condition of the world? When (and why) did polite society get so rude! Remember when every house had an Emily Post book? Now it’s rude to give someone an etiquette book.