In general, it may be that the feeling expressed above manifest themselves as a perceived lack of security. And perhaps having to continually support a guy who needs this level of reassurance can wear someone out, or make them feel trapped.
Especially if the girl is naturally outgoing and self reliant, she may not necessarily need/appreciate a similar degree of reassurance, and they may just not understand why it is the guy needs to be continually encouraged, and may expect that the guy should find this self-esteem/confidence themselves. Ergo, the guy thinks they are selfish, and the girl just doesn’t realise what he expects to receive.
Have you ever told a girl what your expectations are? Or. as other posters have said, (and as explained above) perhaps some guys are attracted initially to girls who actually aren’t right for them long term.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you are or were a jerk. I meant that they might not know it’s annoying to you if you don’t. If they keep doing it after you tell them it bugs you, then that’s different, of course.
I dunno. Different aspects of etiquette are important to different people. My version of etiquette is basically the Golden Rule- if it would annoy you, don’t do it to someone else (as I understand it, Miss Manners advocates a similar standard). That doesn’t always work- for example, I might hang up on you when someone else calls, because I don’t really mind if someone does that to me. And some things in the etiquette books would fail my standard- call me “Mrs husbandsfirstname husbandslastname” and watch me fume.
Sorry, I’d rather love the word “spouse”. It should mean partner and more. The only reason we use the word partner these days is because it doesn’t connote any sexual orientation. But guess what, neither does significant other or spouse. And if we do use it because it also means, well, partner, then that tells you that something is wrong with the world. If spouse doesn’t include partner in its definition, then there is something seriously wrong with the world.
Exactly. I hold doors for men as well as women. But I take special care to make sure that my girl never touches a door handle. And if she does, then I help finish the job of opening the door. (Little quiz: who goes through a revolving door first, guy or girl, and why?)
Thanks for the compliments. Finally! My fishing worked. I got a compliment!!! Took you long enough.
toonie, let’s take a closer look at this statement, at least from my perspective.
I’ve got to pretty much agree. Mrs. Mercotan and I are fortunate in that it is our pleasure that we manage to make each other happy, mostly. But we both agree we are not responsible for the other’s happiness. To us, that seems a terrible burden to place on another person.
OK, here’s where I violently disagree. If Mrs. Mercotan is unhappy, I want and need to hear what she has to say. If I’m not willing to do that, the relationship is broken. I am under no obligation to act to make her happy, however. I may choose to, if it’s the right thing to do. If by adding 45 minutes to my driving day 2 days a week to pick up the kid at school and free up her time will make her happy, I’ll act.
But if her happiness involves me setting fire to her car so we can collect insurance money and let her get a Mercedes, I’m not gonna buy into that. Or if it involves a twenty-something guy named Esteban, well I ain’t going there.
The best relationships seem to be made when people who are already happy and sufficient unto themselves get together because it makes them even happier to do so.
The stronger person should enter the revolving door first to get it spinning for the weaker person. Standard etiquette states that the lady should enter the building first, which sometimes necessitates the man doing a full revolution in the door. In our specific case, that would mean I hit the door first, because I’m rather bigger than he is. If it’s one of those automatic revolving doors, the lady should enter the door and the building first.
And ya know, I generally don’t use the term “spouse” because it does mean so much more than partner, and part of what it means is quite often inapplicable to the situation. To me, spouse means you’re married. Not that you’re in a long-term commitment, or “married in all the ways that matter,” but actually legally married. I prefer partner because it’s never inaccurate, but is much more succinct than “signigicant other.”
It also occurs to me upon re-reading what you want from a woman, that maybe you’re coming across differently than you perceive yourself. Especially the bit about staying right there with you at parties, unless you’re married and know who she’ll be going home with…I could see how that might be seen as unattractively possessive. I could also see how it might come across as being sorta clingy and needy, like you need constant reassurance that she’s not going to go off with someone else. In short, I could how it could be taken as a sign you don’t trust her, which you say has been true in your most recent relationships.
That makes me wonder a) why you didn’t trust them and b) why you would be with someone you don’t trust. What, specifically, made you not trust them? Was it something they’d done, or just that they hadn’t sufficiently proved their devotion for you to trust them? And why on earth would you want to waste your time with someone you can’t trust? Without trust, there’s nothing to build on, so if you’re just wasting your time if your ultimate goal is to find something long-term and serious. So what gives?
Oh, and a year is just an arbitrary point where I, personally, would be starting to cross the line into being serious about someone. I know that some people get married in a matter of months, but those people aren’t me.
Well, I have no idea what type of woman the OP specifically is attracted to, so I cannot comment on that.
However, I’ve heard guys complain before about selfish, flighty girlfriends. Why do they always get selfish, flighty, extroverted, self-absorbed girlfriends? Well, sometimes, just sometimes, it’s because that’s who they pick. They pick very beautiful, very popular girls, very self-absorbed girls, who know they can get a variety of guys, ‘cause they’re so freakin’ HOT and everything. But the guys want these girls, because, you know, HOT and everything. And then they wonder why the girls are selfish and self-absorbed!
There are plenty of pretty, hot girls who are not self-absorbed. There are also a lot of pretty, attractive, but not hot-enough girls who are not selfish. There are also a lot of average-looking, sweet girls who are not selfish. It’s less likely for a not-hot-enough girl to have that special blend of self-absorbed selfishness (not that a not-hot-enough girl can’t be a selfish cow), because the not-hot-enough (according to some guys, anyway) girls aren’t given so much of a free pass as some of the hot-hot-hot girls are. There’s an old saying that one of my friends (wicked old goat that he was) used to say, (I’ll put it in spoiler box because it’s kind of crude) “He’ll eat a mile of her shit to get a piece of her ass.” See, the girls who get that kind of guy a lot, well, they’re going to be more apt to get selfish. So when a guy is willing to: at a mile of her shit to get a piece of her ass then this is what he gets. A selfish girl. A girl that knows that many guys will: eat a mile of her shit to get a piece of her ass if this one guy won’t. So who cares? She’ll get another guy if this current one doesn’t want her. Because she’s smokin’ HOT.
(And just to make sure I’m very clear here, not all smokin’ hot girls are this way. Not at all. I am sure that there are many smokin’ hot girls on this board who treat their guys very well.)
Took you long enough.