Reading this thread on how do you treat your man, I noticed it has many interesting responses from women. But given the fuck ‘em and feed ‘em advice given in this thread, I wonder if women are really qualified to answer. I mean, I’d like to think I’m doing what my partner wants, but I’m not a mind reader. I’d like to know what I can do in a long-term relationship that would make a man feel good/needed/wanted/appreciated.
Then I had an odd conversation with my BF about how he thinks he does stuff around the house I don’t notice. Unfortunately, he couldn’t give a concrete example.
So, men, two questions:
What do you want your mate to do for you? (I’d like at least a few non-sexual answers)
What do you do already that you don’t think you get credit for?
Maybe when we’re done men who feel under appreciated can print this out and magnet it to the fridge.
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands states that once in a while to: Cook them a good meal, let him hang out with his buddies, and an occasional roll in the hay. I would have to agree with that.
Food? Good.
Sex? Good.
Let’s see, anything else?
Oh yeah. If I ask you if something is wrong, TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG!
This would be accurate if your man is a Neanderthal.
I like food and sex too. But while I have not read Dr. Laura, but the reviews of her book seems to be more of the same fuck ‘em and feed ‘em (with a bit of don’t contradict 'em tossed in) advice. Surely men must want something other than food, sex and complete control of the TV remote.
Well, I can cook, so mainly, I just want sex.
Firstly, being a male, I would like to have sex when my partner wanted sex. Secondly, loving to cook, I would like to have equal time in preparing meals ESPECIALLY if it was a meal I knew she would enjoy.
My feelings and thoughts that involve my life should be kept in at all costs if the sharing of them would either cause empathy, sympathy, pain, remorse, or basically anything dentrimental to the well being of the partner. More precisely, the relationship should be entirely centered on their feelings and thoughts regardless of how this would affect my well being. Hypocritical, sure, but that is honestly what I not only want from relationships, it is what I expect. So, really, in a relationship with a male like myself I would want nothing at all except for complete openess on your part and not really sex or food unless you wanted those and I could be of assistance.
- When I put brand new shelves in the garage like you wanted, say “Thanks, hon,” instead of “<scruitinizing pause> Don’t you think they would have looked better a little more to the left?”
- In addition to our time together (both with and without the kids), be comfortable with each of us also having our own activities and friends. We don’t have to enjoy all the same things, and we don’t have to like all each other’s friends, and we certainly don’t have to criticize our partner’s friends whom we dislike.
- When I say something doesn’t matter, or I’m not thinking about anything… BELIEVE ME!
- Don’t look for subtext in what I say. There isn’t any.
- When you’re angry with me, say so.
- Let the past be past.
- Don’t “correct” my pronunciation and usage. I’ve talked like this for 40 years, and I’m not about to change.
- Don’t hold a grudge against me for not doing things you never asked me to do, but merely imagined that I should do.
- For God’s sake, if something’s important, tell me very clearly. Hints, suggestions, and innuendo go right over my head.
- When I really need it, be my refuge… even if I don’t particularly deserve it at the moment. And I’ll do my level best to do the same for you.
Fortunately, I now have a wonderful partner who is mostly in tune with me on all of the above. Took some time and pain to find her, though.
If only! That woman seems to somehow know every move I make.
PS: ZebraShaSha, are you sure you’re male?
Food Intake:
There will be much food and we shall rejoice at it’s goodness and abundance. I actually like to cook so you probably won’t need to worry about this too much. We can go out too, but I’m not paying for it all, especially if you’ve got a job.
Chivalrous Acts:
There will not be random silly Chivalrous Acts and we will rejoice at their absence. You’re a big girl and this is not the 1920s. I am not your protector, guardian, prince charming, etc. If you don’t like opening doors, then don’t get to them first. If you wait for me to open the car door for you, your ass is getting left on the sidewalk. If you want to be treated like a “lady” you can quit that job, put on a corset, give up your right to vote, and find another boyfriend.
Communication.
There will be much communication and we shall rejoice at it’s goodness and abundance. If there is a problem, then we will discuss it. There will not be petty passive-aggressive behavior when you do not get what you want. Please realize that if you start something, we’re going to finish it, so there will be no "Ok I just don’t want to talk about it"s thrown at me when the discussion doesn’t go as you desired. I will not “let you win”, and you will love me for that. Don’t expect and want, ASK!
This goes both ways, and you will expect the very same behavior from me that I expect of you.
Physical Stuff:
I like cuddles, massages, and uh other stuff ;). Indulge me. I will indulge you as well.
Probably some other stuff too. Perhaps I shall return later with other thoughts.
PS
Yes, that dress makes you ass look gigantic and I like it that way ;).
So perhaps I don’t sum things up quite so concisely. All I have to add is “yeah, this too…”
Here’s one: I’m NOT a sounding board. Or, if you want me to be one, just say so. The way my brain works is that I only say something if it’s REALLY important; otherwise, I mull it over for a long time. So unless you WANT ME TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM, don’t ASK ME how you can solve it.
'Cause I’ll try to. That’s what I do. I solve problems.
So if you REALLY just want to have someone listen while you blow off steam, then just blow off steam. Don’t position your gripes–to which you do not want a solution–as a serious of insurmountable questions and problems to which you’re seeking an answer.
Because you’re not. You’re just unhappy with the way things are, and are planning to let them remain the same, and continue to be unhappy. If you think that’s a good course of action, fine, but don’t come to me as if you’re really looking for a solution to the problem.
Bing-fucking-GO!
Can I say that in this forum? If not, I apologize.
I was merely indicating enthusiastic agreement with that particular item in Sample_the_Dog’s list.
I think so. I used the word “fuck” twice and no mod is (yet) standing behind me with a rolled up newspaper.
So the responses so far: say thank you, play nice, don’t whine about things you don’t want changed. This all seems reasonable. I’ll have a hard time with Sample the Dog’s “Don’t hold a grudge against me for not doing things you never asked me to do, but merely imagined that I should do” but I will try.
I don’t think we needed to impune ZebraShaSha’s masculinity, especially after the guy in the *how to treat your man * thread actually admitted he’d like it if a girl gave him a teddy bear.
Even if it’s something you can’t change and might make you feel bad? Or make me feel bad about being shallow?
This is going to read like some of those humourous lists that get around the net, but it’s not meant to be a joke:
- NO MIND GAMES PLEASE. I can live with being told to fuck off, but the silent treatment etc is not on. If you try that I will simply wander off and surf the net or go to the pub. Meanwhile, you will be at home thinking that I’m agonising over what happened. Actually, I will be thinking about Ford gearboxes.
- You look sexy enough in jeans and a t-shirt. Men don’t notice clothes, so just wear what you like and don’t ask us. Do not ask us how your arse looks.
- PLEASE don’t take us clothes shopping with you. It’s not fair. We don’t drag you around male haunts unless you want to come.
- I don’t want sex unless you do too. Honestly.
- If we don’t do a household chore, it is not because we are lazy. The male brain can tune out certain things like piles of dirty clothing. So we literally don’t see it. You may need to ask us to do it. The response will be “sure”, and we’ll do it. Don’t wait for us to do it and get angrier and angrier. Just ask us. Normally we will do it anyway, but sometimes we do tune it out. But it’s not laziness.
- I look at sexy women in the street. I can’t help it. I don’t ogle and drool, and I certainly am not unfaithful, but I will glance, yes. Men are hardwired that way. Please don’t get all jealous.
- I welcome your male friends on condition you don’t try to make me jealous. I won’t. I’ll just be annoyed.
- I need space and time alone.
Despite all the above, my relationship is actually very happy (just in case you’re reading this darling - it’s based on my ex
).
Oh man, theres nothing worse when you’re feeling lost and you can’t even hold onto your loved ones…
I think these are great questions, particulary as I’m a previously married man who is not looking for a new mate. These give me a little self-examinatinon and clarification.
What do you want your mate to do for you?
-
Like Toadspittle said, if you tell me a problem realize that I will give you an answer. It’s not just a guy thing, for me it’s a guy thing + B.S. in sociology/psychology + M.S. in counseling + trained behaviorist + I make my living by people ask me questions and I tell them answers.
-
A backrub every now and then it good. And it will be repaid in kind.
-
Realize that I like to drink beer, I will always have a dog and that the 2-3 weekends a year I go away with the boys are not drug and booze fueled orgies, but rather just drinking and telling stories while not catching fish.
-
When I come home from a 4 day, 1200 mile road trip, don’t complain if you tell me before I set down my suitcase that we are going out for drinks/supper with your friends/mother and I don’t seem excited. I live in motels and go out to eat for three months out of the year - it’s not always the thrill to me that it is to you. Just let me know 24 hours in advance.
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Do the thing where you look at me across a crowded room or in the grocery store that makes me realize how much you love me. I may never say it, but that look means a lot to me.
-
Make love like a wildcat.
-
Travel with me. For a day road trip, a romantic weekend or a vacation. Being away from our daily life let’s us get to know each other in new ways.
What do you do already that you don’t think you get credit for?
In my previous relationship, it was the fact that I did 90% of the laundry and 70% of the housecleaning. If you do one or the other every day, and keep a clean house, it’s easy. If you only clean house or do laundry when you have PMS (and you don’t realize it), yeah, it looks like I’m lazy for not joining in.
Whistlepig
I think these are great questions, particulary as I’m a previously married man who is not looking for a new mate. These give me a little self-examinatinon and clarification.
What do you want your mate to do for you?
-
Like Toadspittle said, if you tell me a problem realize that I will give you an answer. It’s not just a guy thing, for me it’s a guy thing + B.S. in sociology/psychology + M.S. in counseling + trained behaviorist + I make my living by people ask me questions and I tell them answers.
-
A backrub every now and then it good. And it will be repaid in kind.
-
Realize that I like to drink beer, I will always have a dog and that the 2-3 weekends a year I go away with the boys are not drug and booze fueled orgies, but rather just drinking and telling stories while not catching fish.
-
When I come home from a 4 day, 1200 mile road trip, don’t complain if you tell me before I set down my suitcase that we are going out for drinks/supper with your friends/mother and I don’t seem excited. I live in motels and go out to eat for three months out of the year - it’s not always the thrill to me that it is to you. Just let me know 24 hours in advance.
-
Do the thing where you look at me across a crowded room or in the grocery store that makes me realize how much you love me. I may never say it, but that look means a lot to me.
-
Make love like a wildcat.
-
Travel with me. For a day road trip, a romantic weekend or a vacation. Being away from our daily life let’s us get to know each other in new ways. Or remember the old reasons why we love each other.
What do you do already that you don’t think you get credit for?
In my previous relationship, it was the fact that I did 90% of the laundry and 70% of the housecleaning.
If you do one or the other every day, and keep a clean house, it’s easy. If you only clean house or do laundry when you have PMS (and you don’t realize you have PMS), yeah, it looks like I’m lazy for not joining in.
Whistlepig
noW looking for a new mate. I AM looking for a new mate.
Geez, could I had made any more wrong of a one letter substitution?
whistlepig