I see this all the time when looking through the personals: “Looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady.” Sure, all well and good for the ladies. But what about the guys? Don’t they deserve to be treated right too? Or is it just assumed that they DO get treated right? Or is it assumed that they don’t DESERVE to be treated right? And what does being treated right mean anyway?
Now I don’t really look through the guy personals so I don’t know for sure but I really doubt the guys ask, “looking for a lady that knows how to treat a gentleman.” But you do know that treatment of each other is reciprocal right? RIGHT LADIES??? RIGHT??? I think that this inequality is evidence of how the world is changing, thanks to Women’s lib. Now let me clarify. I do know how to treat a lady. I respect her and care for her. I treat all of my girlfriends right. I make them feel like the most important person on Earth. And really she is to me, so I want to make that clear to her. But something that I find lacking today is a lady that really knows how to treat his man. All of the women I have dated in the past have been selfish and expected me to wait on her hand and foot. Which I did gladly. I gave massages. I cooked. I planned everything. I payed. I always let her go first. I pull out her chair and stand up when she leaves the table. I give her compliments constanly. I do all of the standard gentleman niceties, and plenty of others as well. But then I get little or nothing in return.* So what gives? I know it’s not just me. Women wear the pants in today’s families now. It’s a pretty common joke that the woman is the boss and tells her man what to do. It’s becoming almost natural for the man to accept his role as slave, because well… “the little piggy deserves it.” But when you find the real gentleman ladies, the one that loves and worships the ground you walk on, how do you treat him? If any guy deserves to be treated “right” it’s the gentleman who treats his lady right, correct? So if you do know how to treat a man, what does that mean? Do these gentlemen get treated right? Or is it just the jerks that get treated right today? In today’s world, what does being treated right by a lady mean? Does it mean cooking and cleaning for him? Surely not. Right? So what do you do? Or do you treat him right? And if you don’t treat your guy “right”, then why not?
Please don’t ask me what “treating a man/woman right” means. That’s one of MY questions to YOU.
*This topic isn’t me complaining about my situations. I have been noticing other people’s relationships and seeing a pattern. Guys are slaves that women own. I only gave myself as an example because I know more about it.
After writing out a logical, well thought out response to the OP I decided to be smart and avoid the flaming pile on by saying:
Women are blessings and we scumsucking idiot men should count ourselves lucky that they even stoop so low as to allow us to pay for and fix things.
Unclviny (your humble servant who lives to serve Womankind)
Oh, and I’m sorry that your dating efforts have been unsuccessful, but that’s not the fault of the whole of womankind.
(Personally, having a guy pay for everything, wait on me hand and foot, and compliment me constantly would drive me insane, but like I said in the last post…)
While I think you need to take a few moments to breathe and then stop looking through personals and go out and meet real people, I do, sort of, sometimes, agree with your point.
I see lots of references to treating your lady like a “goddess” or a “queen”, but rarely do I see people telling women to treat your man like a “god” or a “king.” What gives?
(Of course, I also hang in the neo-pagan community, and this is a hot button topic for a lot of us who follow Goddess or Goddess and God religions. Too much of the time, God gets left out, both in ritual and in social circumstances.)
I think, of course, in a healthy relationship both happen, and each partner cares for the other with love and respect - whatever that means to the individual. I realized about two years into my marriage that a healthy relationship isn’t about treating my husband the way I would want to be treated - it’s about treating him the way *he *wants to be treated. In a reversal of stereotypical gender roles, when we get home after a long day, I want him to leave me alone so I can read, Dope or just be by myself for a bit. He wants to talk, to connect, to chat. My treating him like I want to be treated (leaving him alone) hurt him. I had to learn how he wanted to be treated, communicate with him about how I wanted to be treated and we worked out a compromise. That’s “taking care of your man.”
So if your lady likes having doors opened and chairs pulled out for her, fine. Doing so is treating her like the Lady she is. If she’d rather do it herself, you’re being annoying. And the same holds true for men.
Really, there is someone out there who will treat you with just as much compassion and respect as you show her. And she’s the real Queen to your King.
Human nature being what it is, there are plenty of selfish people out there of both sexes: people who want and expect that they will have things given to them and done for them without them giving much in return. And somehow, many of them seem to find someone willing to play along and be the Giver to their Taker.
It seems obvious to me that a relationship ought to be a two-way street, beneficial for both—if it isn’t, why bother?
And while there may actually be a Right Way To Treat a Lady (or a Man), it’s more important to learn the Right Way To Treat a Human Being and on the Right Way To Treat the Particular Person You’re With.
I can’t help but notice that your words make it sound like you are treating all your girlfriends exactly the same. Maybe you need to 1) start looking at each girl friend as an individual or 2) start dating in a new pool.
Just one woman’s opinion, but guys who ostentatiously behave in the manner you describe drive me nuts. It sounds like you’re pretending to be a well-mannered doormat in order to keep a woman, and doormats are no fun. Guys with opinions, and a sense of equality are what I looked for.
Whether it is unpopular or not, I agree with the OP. Women have a massive upperhand in what most people would call healthy relationships. The obvious exceptions would be in cases where the man is emotionally or physically abusive to the point where the woman becomes psychogically damaged and is helpless under his rule. The woman can withhold sex, be constantly nagging, or threaten to take away his kids and money in the case of marriage. The man has little recourse except to comply and obey to her demands if he doesn’t want to suffer a terrible fate.
Umm… didn’t you read the asterisk (*)? I said this discussion isn’t about me.
You’re right. I have run into some women that don’t like chivalry. So I lay off. Basically, I do what WhyNot and Thudlow Boink said… I (try to) find out what she likes. But when we are going out on our first date, the default is chivalry. Any woman that doesn’t like chivalry should still expect it. I mean, what is the world coming to anyway? Chivalry shouldn’t be dead. It’s not demeaning. It’s accepting the fact that men and women are different. Women are special to men and deserve to be treated so. But, the men like to be treated well too.
Oh, I know it’s not just the ladies. The ladies in these personals are asking this for a reason. A lot of guys DON’T treat their ladies right. I see that all the time too. Boneheads.
Okay, again… this discussion isn’t about me. I do treat each woman different. She’s special. And the word “special” means unique. I understand that. I treat her how she likes to be treated. I’m not a doormat. I know girls say they don’t like a doormat, and to a certain extent this is true. But this isn’t about me. I’m not complaining about my own personal life. And I don’t meet women in the personals. I just look at them for fun. You know, like while I’m eating my lunch. I meet women in dance class or a club or at church or at the grocery store or wherever. I have never met a girl from the personals.
How is a woman supposed to reciprocate all that? Why should she? Obsessive behavior and hyperromantic expectations are not a solid basis for a relationship, on either side. You sound like that creepy “prince” guy from The Onion.
Dang! I’m not like that all the time. I’m a freaking normal guy. Don’t just focus on the example I gave. I said I’m a gentleman and chivalrous, not an obsessive creep.
I wear the pants in my family? I have all the power here? Well, it’s news to me. Women are the only ones who withhold sex and nag and bitch and can put the other partner in an untenable financial situation in case of divorce? Again, news to me.
I mean, yeah, lots of women suck. They’re selfish and self-centered and what have you. But women don’t have a monopoly on being shitty partners. There’s plenty of men who expect to be able to come home and flop in front of the tv/video game/computer like a giant slug while their partners do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child care, and to then get sex whenever and however they want it. This doesn’t mean that women suck, or that men suck–it means that some people just suck.
And, well, if I were doing a personal ads and thought the “how to treat a lady” line would weed out the “run the dishwasher four times a year and brag about helping out around the house” kind of man, you can bet your ass I’d throw it in there.
Of course they do. One should always treat others how they expect to be treated.
I always treat my guys right. I have always been very proud of what a good girlfriend/friend/lover I am.
Making my man happy makes me happy. I was with my boyfriend for 9 years and treated him like he was my prince. (He was.) I loved to take care of him: feed him, make a good home for him, do more than my fair share of the household duties. He was my favorite person in the world, and I would have done anything for him. I respected and supported his wants, desires, and dreams. I recognized that he was an independant individual, with interests, friends, a career, and I always cared about what he cared about. I showed him how much I loved him physically, mentally, emotionally… in every way I possibly could. I took him to dinner, bought things for him… and he did the same for me. From my point of view, it was a relationship of mutual love and respect (well until we broke up, unfortunately.)
I’ve had a few boyfriends who turned out to be real assholes. I kicked 'em to the curb, and they deserved it.
Being treated like a lady means beaing treated with respect and love. Being treated like a man means the same thing. Being treated like a human means the same thing.
Yeah, I’ve seen relationships where the woman treats the man like shit. I have seen relationships where the man treats the woman like shit. I am proud to say I will strive to do my best to never ever treat the person I love like shit. There are sweet, loving woman out there and I am one of them
If you don’t “wear the pants” then it’s only because you don’t excersize your “right” to be in charge. Let me say that your huband is very lucky that you are a caring wife (or I feel for you if your husband isn’t a caring husband). And let me emphasize the word “LUCKY”, since it’s becoming more and more clear that a truly mutually respectful relationship these days is rare. But… nyctea scandiaca, your testimony gives me hope.
Do guys deserve to be treated right? Depends on the guy. If the guy is a total asshat, then no; he deserves to be treated like an asshat and kick in the ass. If they guy in question acts like a gentleman, then yes he serves to be treated accordingly.
Do you treat your guys right? I only have one guy and he is treated the way he acts. If he is being a total dork, then yeah he gets the dorky treatment. About 98 percent of the time, he is the kindest and sweetest man I have ever met and he gets spoiled rotten.
**If you do, how do you treat them? ** If I do what? Is this the second half of 2? If so, see above.
**If you don’t, why don’t you treat them right? ** Again same as above answers.
What does being treated like a lady means? My opinion only: Having doors opened (any and all doors including cars), chairs pulled/pushed out when going to dinner at a nice place, nice touch is asking what she is going to have and ordering for her, being attentive and polite. Really just not being an oaf on a date.
First of all, every girl here is going to say “Of course I treat him right.”
Secondly, stop with the wide brush. I treat my guy right. I do all the things you said, except maybe stand up when he leaves the room - where would the the point be in that?
We split the chores. We have agreements. It’s just the two of us, right? I give massages when he comes home tired, and he does the same for me. I buy him flowers sometimes, and sometimes I’ll drop by unannounced with lunch for him, or pick up dinner.
I think you’re just bitter - but truthful as well, in that BOTH sexes can be horrible. You’ve just had some very bad experiences.
The first two it’s the man’s fault as well, if he puts up with it. What, you think men can’t be enablers? If your woman does something you don’t like, and it works on you, then it’s your fault too for allowing her.
The third one - the custody battle - well this peeves me off too. Too many times I’ve seen women get custody just because they’re female, and not because they’re good mothers, especially when the daddy is really good.
The fact that you’re having to post this poll surprises me - most relationships I know of (in any real detail) are pretty loving and mutually respectful. The most dysfunctional one that I can think of involves an asshole of a man who berates his wife for every slight mistake/forgetful moment/etc. and snickered when he told the story of how his wife’s doctor blamed part of her memory loss on stress induced by him. (Yeah, he thought it was funny that he causes that much stress and tension.) Not generalizing from that or anything, mind you, just saying that’s the bad one that comes to mind.
My husband brags to his friends about how lucky of a man he is to have a wife and best friend like me, and I similarly brag about him.
You are aware, aren’t you, that “looking for a man who knows how to treat a lady” is more likely to be code for “looking for an old-fashioned man who believes men and women are different and puts women on a pedestal” than code for “looking for a new-ageish guy with pro-feminist attitudes who will treat me as an equal” – right?
