Social Chemistry- something beyond our control?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I feel there are two stages in successfull dating: Acting appropriately, and good chemistry.

The first stage can be reached through time and effort. Some people mature quicker than others, some learn hard lessons slower than some. But overall, I think most people eventually reach a point in their life where they know what they want in a relationship and they know how they should behave to achieve it. The point is, this part is something people definitely have the potential to improve.

The second stage is much harder- Chemistry. I used to not believe in chemistry, I thought it was something made up, an excuse. But now, I’m starting to see where people are coming from when they say ‘he/she was nice, but there wasn’t any chemistry’. I guess the frustrating thing about it is that there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do to improve your chances, short of the laws of probability- meet/date people until you finally ‘click’ with someone.

It can be a little discouraging when you do everything in your power to make things work out, and the other person appreciates it but just plain isn’t interested that way. I’ve been thinking about it this evening. Good Chemistry seems so incredibly random; some people get it early in the game, other people never seem to find it. Is this all there is to it?! :confused:

2

From only my own experiences and observations of others, and not from any scientific data-holding point of view (i.e. I have no cites), I have to agree with you. There are people who have been interested in me who I know are good guys, would be excellent providers, and we can even hold an interesting conversation for hours on end. But there’s no “spark.” There’s other guys (sigh) that are just SO wrong for me on SO many levels, yet I find myself irresistably drawn to them, thinking about them when I’m not around them, and sooner or later, we’re in bed again. And it’s always amazing. Darnit. :smiley: Blame it on the pheremones.

Is this some sort of masochism? Am I subconsciously seeking out inappropriate partners to sabotage my relationships? Nah. There’s plenty of nice guys I like. I’m married to one of them. (Let me prevent that hijack right now by reminding posters that I’m in a happily open marriage, so my use of the present tense in the above paragraph is deliberate, accurate, and not an issue.) There’s also jerks I have no spark with, so it’s not simply a “Nice Guy vs. Bad Boy” thing.

There’s been two times I’ve overcome the no-spark issue to become involved with a friend I thought there was no sparkage with. Both relationships were comfortable, both lasted about two years, but neither one was satisfying in the long term.

And the same thing happens outside of romantic or sexual relationships. There are some people with whom I have a lot in common, yet we don’t “click.” Conversation is dull, and there’s no real point in developing a friendship. Others I may have absolutely nothing in common with, yet they’re fascinating to talk and listen to, even though later I may wonder why I was so interested in this person talking about football, or taxedermy or whatever it was I hold no interest in usually.

What I find most interesting of all is that there’s people on a message board I feel I “click” with - people I’ve never met and probably never will. Those are people who’s posts I’ll always read, nearly always find myself responding to, and get excited when I do a new search and see they’ve posted. Sometimes those are people with whom I share things in common, but sometimes not. Obviously, pheremones or whathaveyou don’t play a part in this!

(And yeah, Incubus, you’re one of my “clicky” message board folks. If you couldn’t tell. :smiley: )

3

Thanks :slight_smile:

4

Wow, I think it’d be VERY interesting (and probably impossible) to do an experiment on social chemistry that compared what types of people ‘clicked’ in real life vs online. Communicating with little more than the typen (I don’t think that’s a real word) word is so different than RL interaction.

As far as social chemistry, it’s a funny thing. It’s something that definitely exists, and is noticable, and it’s very evident whether it’s present or not, but it’s darn near impossible to explain, and for that matter, create. Part of me wonders if people don’t ‘click’ because they’re not being themselves for one reason or another? For example, when you’re on a first date, many people tend to be too worried about offending/turning off the other person, instead of acting like they would around good friends. Maybe this shield they put up is also an unintentional barrier to chemistry? That may explain why female friends say things like “I can’t believe you’re not taken…you’d be a great catch”.

But yeah, it definitely exists, and when it’s there, it’s great, but when it’s not…there’s not much you can do about it.

5

Hypothesis: The only people who click with absolutely everybody are the kind of predatory sociopaths who are likely to have a freezer full of severed heads. Discuss. (Or not. "Sup to you.)

6

I gotta wonder…

Chemistry is probably something that we can’t control directly, but I kinda think that there’s a certain attitude which makes that click more likely. I’m not sure exactly how to describe it, though.

7

This is interesting. Perhaps there is something about subtleties of attitude.

Hmm :confused:

8

Maybe it’s that two people who “click” will likely have similar attitudes?

9

I don’t think that’s all there is. Some people just have that quality that causes a lot of other people to click with them.

10

Beyond your control? Not if you both get drunk over dinner.

11

Somehow I imagine that would make things go really really well, or really really badly…but I’m leaning on the ‘really really badly’ part at this point… :eek:

12

I agree thre’s an attitude that people are more likely to click with. If you look through personals, a lot of people name the quality “comfortable in their own skin” as one they’re looking for in a partner. I think this goes a long way toward clicking with people. Just being confident and comfortable with who you are, and being at ease in most situations. It’s an attractive quality, and if you’re at ease, it likely will help put those you’re talking to at ease, and therefore make the interaction more enjoyable…perhaps this is a piece of this clicking of which we’re speaking?

13

Ah, but you must agree, you’ve taken control of the situation, whatever the outcome. :wink:

14

I think you’re right about chemistry, Incubus - sometimes it feels like a crap-shoot when you’re dating.

I’ve met several men who are amicable enough, but, even though they felt chemistry with me, I didn’t feel the same chemistry with them. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them - I just didn’t feel the same way. But I do with my husband, and always have, even before we were dating.

Friends are like that, too. Have you ever noticed that sometimes you just don’t “click” with certain people, and right off the bat, you know you’d never be able to be friends with them? Maybe they have a different sense of humor, or perhaps you can tell that they’re lacking in some sort of quality you have, or vice versa. Or perhaps you just don’t feel comfortable with them for some reason you can’t really define. It’s not good or bad - you just don’t have that smooth, easy friendship that you feel you should. Dating is somewhat similar, but with slightly different chemistry. I’ve always assumed it was a combination of anticipation and sexual tension. The tension’s gotta be there for the anticipation to happen, and the interest in the other person as a friend has to be there, too (for me anyway - if I don’t feel I can be friends with somebody, there’s no way I’ll trust him with my emotions or my body).