I thought of this after responding to the thread about hosting parties. Our preference is for 4-6 people - maybe as many as a hard max of 8.
Even when we just have another couple over, it is almost impossible for everyone to engage in a single conversation as we all sit in the same room or around a table. Usually 1 person will be talking - or 2 people will be the primary participants in an exchange, and then the 3d person turns to the 4th and starts a completely different conversation.
How do you feel about this? Are you the type who will start a second conversation? If you were trying to listen to the first conversation - or were the first person talking, how do you respond to the person who tries to start a new conversation with you.
Hell, there generally isn’t anything all that interesting being said by anyone. But if I’m not at least listening, I won’t KNOW if anything interesting was said. And if I don’t listen to other people, why should I expect them to listen to me?
In most such gatherings, we are all pretty similarly situated socioeconomically. It is not as tho there won’t be plenty of time after one boring conversation for everyone else to initiate their own preferred boring conversations!
Note, I’m not talking about when a couple of people head into the other room to fix food or drinks or something. Nor am I talking about when 2 people share some unique interest the other 2-4 don’t share. We could just be talking about our vacations, kids, jobs, etc.
We’ve discussed this topic not that long ago. But my google-fu isn’t working.
I don’t mind sidebars as long as they aren’t loud, mean (like two people making fun of the person who is speaking), or last a long time. Like, if the main topic being discussed isn’t interesting to me at all and it’s been dragging on for a long time, I will probably indulge in a little side conversation with the person seated closest to me until the conversation switches to something more interesting.
I go out for drinks sometimes when three coworkers. Usually the four of us will engage in a conversation as an entire group, but over a couple of hours it is inevitable that we will splinter into two subgroups for a minute or so. I don’t know what causes this dynamic, but it’s neither awkward or jarring to me.
Seems to me if sidebars keep cropping up enough for them to bother you, that means that either people are getting bored by the main conversation or they are having a hard time feeling heard through all the voices sitting at the table. Like, maybe someone in the main group keeps talking over them or interrupting them. It can be hard getting a word in edgewise when there are lots of people trying to do the same thing at the same time. And while it may seem like everyone has the power to steer the conversation into a certain direction, this isn’t true. Whomever has the dominant voice and personality will typically dictate what gets discussed and for how long.
I’m trying to figure out what the hell you’re trying to say by this. What does socioeconomics have to do with the quality of a conversation? Do you mean to say that everyone has similar tastes and interests? Because that makes more sense.
If I am following one conversation and someone near me starts speaking about something different I will politely acknowledge them and then quickly turn my attention back to the one I want to be involved in. If someone is not picking up my cue and persists on talking I will simply stop acknowledging them. If I want out of the fist conversation I might throw a few baits out to see if anyone wants to join me in a new conversation. If they look like they want to become engaged I simply turn to them and start talking.
I struggle with this, too. I think part of it is that I have central auditory processing disorder, one symptom of which is difficulty understanding speech in noisy environments. So, if my husband and his siblings are having one conversation, and my son is trying to tell me something, I can’t really hear/understand either conversation.
But I think another part of it is just the FOMO that the OP described. What if there’s something really interesting being talked about? I might have something brilliant to add!
Finally, there’s the issue of how frequently I get to talk to the people involved. In my first example, which was a recent situation in real life, I wanted to talk to my in-laws because I don’t get to see them very often, whereas I live with my son, so I finished our side conversation and asked to continue it later.
