Social Interaction with Kids

I’m a socially awkward person raised generally in a Chinese culture. My mom’s a very exhuberant person (likes hugs, backslaps, and the like). I’m much less inclined towards such things–I’m very paranoid about personal space, so with the exception of family and close friends, I try to keep a strictly hands-free policy.

However, I have a weakness for all things cute. (And yes, I consider all kids cute. Nobody has ugly babies.) In situations where I’m introduced to a family with small children, I don’t really know how to interact with said kids. (I usually pat them on the head, or in the case of infants, shake their feet.)

Yeah, yeah, not a problem, I’m being paranoid. But the quandry starts once I become more acquainted with them. I want to be around them without worries of being accused as a pervy kiddie fancier. (And yes, I’m hitting an age where this could be an issue.)

So fight my ignorance. What would be good manners when being around someone else’s kids?

Don’t pat their heads… They hate that! Would you touch an adult you just met without being invited to? Offer your hand. If they don’t want to shake hands then just as with an adult, move on. Don’t tell them they’re cute, they know it and you’ll just embarrass them.
Kids appreciate being treated with thoughtful respect. Talk to them as you would to any new aquaintance.
Never “talk down.” If they speak in full sentences, they will understand anything you say, and if they don’t understand, they will tell you they don’t.
Get down on their level, and make eye contact. Listen, when they tell you something and respond thoughtfully. Ask questions you want to hear the answers to.

Babies like smiles and eye contact. No need to touch the baby either. If its a babe in arms, and a parent asks if you want to hold it, then decide. If you don’t feel comfortable holding a baby, gracefully decline. Otherwise, cradle an infant so his head and back are supported.
Older infants, that sit up on their own, are wiggly so if you choose to hold them, do so firmly but gently. Tentativeness, can make the baby wary. Be confident, or don’t hold the child.
Good luck. You won’t be seen a perv as long as you are respectful.

Ditto all the above. As a (somewhat intellectually precocious) kid, I hated it when people spoke babytalk to me, or wanted to pinch my cheek and tell me how cute I was because I was blue-eyed and blonde-haired. I much prefered my grandfather’s friends, who’d tell off-color jokes, show me how to crimp a blasting cap, and generally treat me like another one of the guys.

Kids will ask some amazingly perceptive questions, and their ability to integrate, if not actually comprehend, the answers is nothing short of astonishing. I was explaining to my 5 year old “nephew” (son of a former coworker who I’ve known since he was in diapers) about the sky being blue and I included a simplified explaination of Compton scattering. Over dinner, he repeated the explaination–only slightly garbled–to his parents. With any luck, he’ll mention me in his speech when he collects the Nobel Prize for Physics. :smiley:

I’m not terribly fond of the little squirmy maggot-looking apes, but they sure do like me. The trick, it seems, is to fight your (or at least my) natural instinct to freeze up like a Vermont stream in December and support/cradle them as described above. What bugs me is some parents will force their little buggers on you, as if it’s some great privlidge and honor. If it really bugs you, just tell them that you’ve just gotten over mono or something.

I make it a point to always stay in the room with the parents when handling children, unless they’re a family I know very well. I’m sensitive to this issue, too, 'cause kids are always climbing up on me. I don’t mind playing with them–it’s usually socially less awkward than making small talk with adults–but there are limits to what is permitted; I wouldn’t let a toddler or above sit on my lap, for instance. Also, sometimes kids–just doing what their as-yet socially unrestrained instincts tell them to do–will themselves do something inappropriate, like exposing themselves or the like. I try to put a stop to that as quick as possible, verbally, or otherwise keep an appropriate seperation; again, that’s why I prefer to stay within view of the parents.

Stranger

Ditto the above. I divide kids into three basic groups and treat them differently based on that.

Kids about 10 and over: treat them like adults with very short attention spans. Shake hands when introduced, use real words/sentence structure, be respectful, answer questions asked, etc.

Kids between 3 and 10: same as above, but no hand shaking (they don’t get it yet). Silly questions are good (“so you must be 30 now, right?”). For some reason, they think it’s funny. For what it’s worth, this is the best age group to ask questions about how much things cost. They have no clue, and (I really don’t know why) for some reason it just cracks me up. Ask a 5 year old how much his new shoes cost – “a hundred dollars!” – and dad’s new car? – “a hundred dollars!” – my house? – “a hundred dollars!” Yes, my life is pretty barren that I find that funny.

Kids under 3: follow the parents’ lead. Don’t be afraid to ask questions (“do I have to support his head?” is okay; “is she supposed to look like that?” isn’t). If you’re uncomfortable with the kid, walk away.

Stranger, I’ve never thought about making sure that the parents are in the room. I figure I’m not going to do anything wrong, and they know that (or they wouldn’t leave the kid with me). Plus they know their kids. One friend’s kid loved an escort to the bathroom once she learned how to use the potty. My friend would just shrug, and let her hapless guests be dragged off, one by one, so that the kid could show off how well she could use the potty.

I’ve thought that was weird, but I never was concerned that I would be suspected of doing anything nefarious. My friend knew the kid liked to show off her potty skills, so wasn’t concerned about the escort issue.

Having to be careful about being alone with kids is kind of sad, because kids are so open with people, usually. But I guess that’s the world we’re in now.

So, dotchan, as long as you aren’t a “pervie kiddie fancier,” you’re likely safe. :wink: But if you want to be extra safe, keep the parents in the room. And if the kid wants to show you something in em’s room, tell the parents – “hey, kiddo here is going to show me that Dr. Seuss collection – want to come along?” If the parent has any concern about you being alone with the kid, the parent can tag along, and you haven’t broadcast your concern that you’re going to come off as a perv.

But relax – in some ways, kids are so much more forgiving than adults about social awkwardness. What you perceive as your own ineptitude around kids, the kids just perceive as the way all adults behave. So relax and have fun.

Well, I’m in my thirties, divorced, no current (or recent) girlfriend, and I’m kind of a loner with some odd habits (i.e. I read, no interest in watching sport, et cetera) so…just looking at the raw stats I probably fall into some demographic in common with sexual predators. Yeah, me and Ted Bundy. :shudder:

Plus, kids will come up to me, uninvited, and just start climbing all over me like I’m their favorite uncle. :confused: I’m a little uncomfortable with kids (well, people overall), and I’ve never had younger sibblings or family to deal with, so I’m probably somewhat oversensitive to the issue. That being said, I don’t think I’d be too concerned about the scenerio you describe…but I wouldn’t go in and close the bathroom door, either.

Kids are okay, I guess, but on the whole, I’d rather play with puppies.

Stranger

Gotcha.

But you have to understand that the likely reason that all the kids want to play with you is not because you fit some pervie demographic but that, based on how you treat kids (not talking down to them, etc.), you’re cool.

And not to hijack, but if liking to read is an odd habit, this whole board is cracked. But I suppose that begs the question . . .

One tip I’d like to make is that even if you love interacting with little kids, don’t immediately rush up to them and greet them like your old college beer mates. They’ll immediately be overwhelmed, start crying, and run away. Ignore them at first; let them size you up and approach you on their terms. Hope this helps.

Since you’re looking for advice more than straight facts, I’ll move this thread to the IMHO forum.

bibliophage
moderator GQ