Some advice on a an argument with my dad.

In My Humble Opinion
1

My family has an apartment in Madrid. It has been rotting for some while due to the fact that we did’nt go to Madrid that often and in the past year, my parents have decided to remodel it.

So, they talked to the construction people and have had plans to redesign it for the better part of a 7 months and finaly, both of them went to Madrid about 2 1/2 months ago.

They were only planning to only spend about 3 weeks there, but alas, things did not work out the way they should have time-wise, and my father had to return to Santo Domingo to continue his work.

I had been planning since last Decemeber with two friends to spend 3 weeks in Spain, counting on the fact that the apartment would have been done at the time it was supposed to be done, but it did’nt happen due to certain circumstances. We had almost the whole exact date pinned out but at the last minute I had to tell them it was’nt possible to go under the circumstances that we wanted, and the circumstances the parents of my friends wanted. So it was cancelled.

My mom, meanwhile, has spent quite a lot of time fixing the apartment, almost entirley by herself, with the occasional help of my brother and some of the friends she has in Madrid.

My mom, so it happens, misses the family alot especialy me and my father and she is afraid of flying, but has improved upon this fear significantly with medication and “family” therapy.

It now so happens that my dad wants to go to Madrid to “help” her out, but in fact the aprtment is almost done.

I really don’t want to go, because:

  1. I have no good excuse for going and telling my friend that I’m going because my mom wants to see me and my dad
  2. I just bought a puppy and I am the person who looks out for him the most, he is only a month old
  3. I have a gym routine that will be broken and I am under a strict diet
  4. I will see my mom for a month and a half before I go to college anyway

My dad first agreed with me. A few minutes ago he comes into the room and says “You know, sons can be selfish too.” "Your mom has been busting her ass off for 2 1/2 months and you don’t want to go because your afraid of looking bad in front of your friend? Who’s more important you family or your friend?

“I would like you to acompany me, I don’t want to go either, but it would make her so happy given all the effort she’s done this last month.”

I told him he was guily tripping me (in a nice way) and that it was also selfish that my mom want to go all the way to spain for 10 days (for me it is pointless to take a 9 hour flight for just 10 days, *maybe *more, nothing is definitive with my family and flight departures) just because she wanted to see me and is afraid of flying. She will see me anyway. And my dad will accompany here anyway.

He really did’nt listen to much and still said I was being egotistical.

He said that we already have been very nice to my friend and that he should understand the circumstance, which I believe and ridiculous to begin with.

He says the dog will be taken care of by the peopel who work in my house, which isn’t very true, they don’t really care for the dog.

He just left and is in one of those “I am right you are wrong and no more discussion” type of mood.

Now, I do understand hsi points, I may be being selfish, but he is being selfish as well.

I loathe flying. Going to Spain for 10-14 days is pointless IMO, because Madrid is almost empty in summer and we will not spend more time there just to spend money.

Again, My mom WILL see me again. And I do think they are being a bit selfish as well.

What advice can you give me?

2

Can I go in your place?

3

Maybe this is how your father looks at it: You were willing to spend three weeks in your parents’ apartment in Madrid with friends, but not ten days there with family.

I think if you intend to use the apartment with friends (whenever) – the apartment that your parents own and are working hard to fix up – it’d be a good idea to go along with your dad. And maybe they could use your help.

4

I have to add, I was going with a friend, maybe two, but my parents were also going.

5

I agree with your Dad. I don’t understand what the image with your friend has to do with it.

6

What’s the rub, really? You don’t like dad “making” you go? You don’t want to go if you don’t have a distraction from your parents? It’s 10 days, fercryinoutloud. You’re making it sound as though they’re asking you to go away for years. The puppy will be fine to have someone else care for him/her for that length of time. You’re friend will be fine if you tell him/her the story. You have to pick your battles and this one doesn’t sound like it’s worth taking your dad to the mat for, imho.

7

Bah! I traveled more than 15 hours (Los Angeles to Amsterdam) for a WEEKEND once! Met my now-husband that weekend. Totally worth it! So you never know!

So ask if your friend(s) can come with you now. If they can come – great, if not, then at least you don’t have to feel bad that you canceled on them, then went without them, and they’ll be more understanding that you went without them, because at least you re-invited them.

8

I’m concerned by the fact that you’ve bought yourself a puppy yet are headed off to college in a month and a half. That aside…

You say your mum is on medication and is having family therapy. Does your mum have a mental illness that is currently being treated?

If so, that must be pretty stressful for everyone in the family - particularly your dad. He must be very concerned for your mum, and no doubt wants everything to go smoothly for her during this difficult time.

That may be why he’s being difficult about this. He’s worried about your mum, and wants to do all he can to make her feel better.

The fact that you’re headed off to college soon is also a factor. Yes, your mum will see you before you go, but maybe right now all she’s thinking is that her baby son is all grown up and pretty soon he’s going to be far away. So right now she wants to spend as much time with him as he can.

We’re talking 2 weeks out of the rest of your life here. I think you could do that for your mum. It’s not like you’ve arranged a holiday somewhere else with your friends, have you?

9

I’m a little concerned by the fact that you bought a month-old puppy, let alone the whole college thing. Did you mean you’ve had him for a month, or seriously that you bought a four-week-old puppy when the usual age for weaning them from their mother is around 8-10 weeks?

I don’t think 10 days will have a catastrophic effect on your diet, unless it’s extremely strict and restricts the foods you can eat to those which cannot be bought in Madrid, which doesn’t seem like a very long list. A gym routine could also probably be on hold for 10 days. You could go jogging or walking if you feel you have to exercise while you’re there.

I agree with most of the posters in this thread. It’s 10 days with family. Sometimes it’s good to just give in in the small things.

10

So obviously I should cancel my upcoming trip because I have an 11 hour flight for a 7-day stay?

As far as advisc goes, mine to you would be to grow up and start acting like an adult rather than a spoilt kid who can’t have his own way. The OP reads as little more than a selfish rant about why you should do family stuff when you can’t do friend stuff. And as for the puppy? Don’t get me started.

11

You didn’t say how old you are, but you sound young. Soon, you’ll have started your adult life and won’t be seeing your parents nearly as much. Your mom misses you and is probably going through pre-empty nest syndrome. Throw her a bone and go see her.

Ten days out of your life to make your mom happy? It would be a no-brainer for me.

Signed,

Kalhoun (whose mom died 9 years ago and would trade just about anything to spend another 10 days with her)

12

You have a great excuse for going: Your dad is making you go. And your mom wanting to see you and your dad is also a good enough reason to go; she hasn’t seen you for nearly three months.

I really hope you didn’t actually buy a month old puppy but, be that as it may, it sounds like there are people available to take care of it, meaning giving it food and water and keeping it safe. They don’t have to be in love with the puppy, they just have to look after it. It’s only for 10 days. If you truly don’t have anyone who is responsible enough to take care of the pup, then no, you should not go.

This is a weak excuse. Travel always disrupts routine, but you were still willing to go when it meant 3 weeks with your friends. You can get back to the gym when you return. And your diet is up to you.

When is that? Your mother misses you; she wants to see you now. The fact that she can see you later doesn’t change the fact that she wants to see you now. And “I don’t want to go, I’ll see her later” does sound rather heartless, if typical for an older teenaged boy.

Go see your mother. Nine hours on a plane will not kill you. Ten days in Madrid will not kill you. And for goodness sakes, man up about it; don’t go and sulk the whole time, punishing your parents for “making” you go and ensuring no one else has any fun.

It’s also worth pointing out that for many (most?) people reading your post, a free 10 day trip to Madrid doesn’t sound like a very hard problem to have.

13

My advice is to go. Not because of anything your dad said or because this apartment is your problem or because they absolutely must have you there, but simply because it would be nice. Doing nice things for your parents when you can is the mark of a man.

And I wouldn’t just go, I’d be super-son. Cheerfully volunteer for any work that needs doing or errands that need running, and give no indication that you resent being there. By doing that, you can turn ten days of not-much-fun into a real demonstration that you both love your parents and are an adult deserving of their respect. Opportunities like this don’t come along that often – how you handle them defines who you are.

14

Oh, it’s so easy to be judemental and making me sound like a heartless snobby 19-year-old boy, but I didn’t describe my mother fully, because I don’t want to go over my life story.

Put it this way:

My dad way over a month ago even stated: She get’s into people’s lives WAAAAY too much, I hope she spends a good amount of time over there.

My Brother is 29(!) and he still has a 2 o clock’ cerfew when he was here in Santo Domingo. Apartments are very expensive here if your single, and he is.

I said 10 days could well be povisional it may be 7 days more than that, I have seldom remembered more than 3 particular days in which we come back on the exact date.

If this does happen, given that most my friends are leaving early august and I will stay in Madrid for my christmas vacations, I may well not see my friends for an entire year. My parent however, I will see for a long while. Not that I’m complaining but you really have to be in my shoes to understand exactly why I am complaining.

Again, it’s easy to look at this post and think (and say): “My god! What a spoiled little punk!” “10 days only sacrificed for your poor mother!”

I love Madrid, don’t get me wrong, but I believe I can better spend my time here, given the fact that my mother does not need my help, nor has she asked for it.

The aprtment IS complete, my dad is just starting to miss her.

I wonder how long that’ll last before they start fighting and arguing again…

However IF she asked for my help, or I had a geniune reason to go to help out and do SOMETHING over there, I would have no problem whatsoever.

15

Coupla things:

  1. Just because people don’t give you the advice you want doesn’t mean they didn’t understand the problem.

  2. When you actively ask for advice, you don’t then get to accuse people of being judgmental. You asked us to be judgmental.

16

Can you strike a bargain? Can you have some time working on the apartment if you get some time to see Madrid?

I know how hard it is to have to go places with your family just for obligations. My family made me go everywhere with them, every minute of every day had to be spent with them. But on the other hand I would KILL to go to Madrid at 19.

Just ask if you can have a set number of hours of work every day and a set number of hours of funtime.

17

Honey, sweetie… she has not asked YOU for help. She probably however, has spoken more to your Dad about how she feels. If you assume that your Dad knows more about your Mom’s mental condition than he is letting on to you, then things sorta make more sense. She is not feeling well, and needs support. I’m sure that when you were not feeling well, you didn’t need to outright ask for help from her.

18

True.

But again, the post would have been way too ridiculously long If I had posted everything about my mother. And in hindsight looking at the post as is makes it look like I’m bitching about nothing. But reality is a bit diffrent from what I say in the post. You don’t know, but my mother is not an easy woman…sure she’ll be happy to see me for the first…oh I don’t know 5-6 days, after that, she is probably the single most nick-pickty person I’ve ever met.

She can very nice, or she can be amazingly bitchy, it is rarely even keel with her. Hell, if my dad says, I hope she stays there for a while, and really means that, it was not in a moment of particulat anger, then you must know she is not an easy person.

I forgot to mention, my 29 year old brother lives in Madrid too, and can help her easily.

As to those that think my mother suffers a mental condition, well no, she doesn’t at all. But if you knew her well, you’d be suprised at her personality.

I love her alot, but in order to cope with her, one needs to hald insurmountable patience, and alone time is a must.

Hell, I’m not going to fight with my dad more about it, and I’ll eventualy have to go, if for nothing else than to please my dad, and I will not have an attitude over there, that’s for sure.